It may be a little too late to send a CARD… depending where you are, but don’t forget that SUNDAY is “MOTHER’S DAY!”… send something…

Not sure yet what “CORNHOLE MADNESS” at AQUA is …. However, they are doing it again tonight from 4 to 8 PM… along with FREE WINGS and MARTINI SPECIALS…. Which is a good way to warm up for a good CORNHOLE…. As I remember it? SQUIRM/ SMILE/ GIGGLE!

“BUDDY IS BACK” … at the SALOON ONE…. And the BAR WAS PACKED at 5:45 …… what a nice change…. at least on THURSDAY and SUNDAYS…. and the “BUDDY BLUE” Shot is also on the SPEED RAIL…people were getting NAKED by 6:15 OMP! YEAH!

BUDDY brought me a KEY CHAIN to match my T-SHIRT of “BUSH’S LAST DAY”….. 01.20.09… and this one COUNTS IT DOWN BY THE SECOND… so impressed…now the interesting past it that yes, it was “MADE IN CHINA”….can you all imagine the giggling that went on in that factory? As I write this it is 256 days, 4 hours.... 43 min... and 34 seconds…. I keep looking at it and wish we could SPEED IT UP!… THANKS HONEY!

ROYAL TEA is TONIGHT at the 801 BOURBON…5 to 7:30PM…. FOOD and HAPPY HOUR COCKTAILS… donation at the DOOR for AHI… Meet this year’s CANDIDATES for “QUEEN MOTHER!”….

Speaking of which… this is a new event …..SATURDAY from Noon to 4 PM at the KEY WEST ART BAR is having an event and show. For Wesley House Family Services… Billed as “PRE-MOTHER'S DAY BENEFIT”… 901 CAROLINE STREET…. May have to check this one out as well!

PRE-SALE for TICKETS / T-SHIRTS/ 50-50 and so on start this WEEKEND…FOR THE “SURVIVOR’S PARTY” (Sister Season Fund) stay tuned for details…

We hear that COLBY’S “GOING AWAY PARTY” before she leaves for EUROPE (FABULOUS PERFORMER at AQUA) is this WEDNESDAY at AQUA… We will miss her spectacular costumes and talents… will probably see her “AROUND THE WORLD” in the future!

Hear that “BILLIE and MATTIE” are moving up the KEYS a few miles, but will still be KEY WEST HITS… good luck!

WOW, we have a new PERSON that seems to be 86’d at EVERY BAR… and we couldn’t agree less… Not even a HUSTLER or a BEGGAR…. Will not give the name… ASK ANYONE… WHOW, to get barred for being a PRICK and AN ASSHOLE? That is WAY over the TOP!

Just as I was getting over the CINCINNATI CHILI after effects, BARBIE brings in some of the leftovers… YUMMY …THANKS COWBOYS… we will miss you and your cooking!

Kept seeing that the new “BETTER THAN SEX” dessert bar or whatever (at the old BOOTLEGGERS on PETRONIA)…. was going to open SOON… but must be the SEX is BETTER than DESSERT… seems there is a DELAY….but, the PLACE LOOKS GREAT from the OUTSIDE… YUM!????

Key West will join communities in 119 countries around the world on Sunday, May 18th in observing International AIDS Candlelight Memorial Day. From 6:00-10:00 p.m. at the AIDS Memorial at Higgs Beach, AIDS Help prevention staff and volunteers will be on hand to provide luminaria individuals to place beside the name of someone commemorated at the Memorial or in memory of any loved one, friend, relative or neighbor lost to AIDS. Join AIDS Help, the Monroe County Health Department, Care Center for Mental Health, Guidance Clinic of the Middle Keys, WomanKind, and Human Services Associates by participating in this event. Be a part of International AIDS Candlelight Memorial Day – the 25th anniversary of this event.

SO enjoy “UGLY BETTY” on THURSDAY NIGHTS…kind of like a cross between “ENEMA” and “BARBIE’…without as much BODY HAIR, a HIGHER VOICE and NO BRACES!! KIDDING!

Sorry we missed “BARBIE’S” DEBUT at the 801… just too many things to do in a day… but am sure it was WILD!

Want some of the VERY BEST “SALSA” I have ever tasted? Know I shouldn’t eat it... but…DAMN it is good… SUGAR APPLE on SIMONTON…HOME MADE and BETTER than anything you can make at home.. YUMMY and YES, SPICY…in a VERY GOOD WAY!

Wasn’t as bad as we expected, but the noise of the JACK HAMMERS could be hear all over from the passage to the new QUIZNOS….can’t wait till they OPEN!

Heard that the hammering was so bad that Dr. Claude Harris was setting up a TOOTH REPLACEMENT KIOSK near the POOL….kidding….

BUDDY (Big Mamma Bush… now a lot smaller) starts TONIGHT at the SALOON ONE from 5 to 10…. Looking forward to it and would guess many others will as well…. WELCOME BACK MY FRIEND! “BUDDY BLUES” are on the MENU!

Buddy has been in town what THREE DAYS? And he says he already has broken all of this NEWS YEAR RESOLUTIONS…KIDDING… WELCOME BACK TO KEY WEST!

Relief is just 10 days away as “ENEMA” and “GAYTOR” are off to DENMARK to see “JAZZ” the JAGGER FACTORY in GERMANY (Jazz, take your PASSPORT) and then to SCOTLAND to SEE “FRASER and JOHN”….. am sure we will get reports…but will check our local ARREST LOGS DAILY….. mostly about the downsizing of MILLER LITE and JAGGER here in the U.S.

Great to see “ADAM” back in town… recently on “AMERICAN GLADIATORS” and should be seen around! YEAH!

Understand that the new “STRIP HOUSE” is open… no not that kind… used to be the JOCK STEAK HOUSE at the REACH… hey things change… yet to hear of any reports of food quality…. Will when we do!

Didn’t realize that the “AMBROSIA” Restaurant… the BEST SUSHI in TOWN… has moved into the old SANTA MARIA space… need to get down to that end of town and check it out!

Goodbye CONN. DAVE… sorry you didn’t get a tan this time… they will ask about it in NEW HAVEN…. However one needs to get “OUT” of their room and “INTO THE SUN” in order to get color…. Well, at least of THAT TYPE… WHO KNOWS?

Latest reports from “JT” in VEGAS…. Convention is over, now it is play time… He still can’t get over “LOVE” with CIRCE DE SOLEIL and will go back again with his visiting Dad and his wife…. Also saw “PHANTOM” for his first time and loved it.. what is NOT to LOVE about VEGAS?

Today could be Congress' last chance to exercise real oversight on the war. The media is paying less attention to Iraq, but we need to remind Rep. Ros-Lehtinen that voters aren't—most Americans are more frustrated with the war than ever before. She loves to get MONROE COUNTY ATTENTION and PHOTO OPS…. Lets tell her what WE THINK.

IF you believe this… and we think MANY DO…..Call Rep. Ros-Lehtinen right now and tell her that voters are tired of dumping billions into the unwinnable war in Iraq? Here's where to call: Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen Phone: 202-225-3931

One of those nights when just need to crash early…later… PISTOL

It is only WEDNESDAY and it has been the WEEK from HELL, in so many ways. But I promised “ENEMA” I wouldn’t WHINE….MOVING ON!

Got MIXED SIGNALS...can you imagine that??.... The GARDEN BAR WILL BE OPEN during their QUIZNOS CONSTRUCTION...should be most enjoyabe to listen to the DRILLING and BREATHING THE DUST... are you all CRAZED????

The Queen Mother XXV Royal Tea Dance will take place this Friday from 5 to 7:30 p.m. at 801 Bourbon Bar. The event, which will introduce this year's candidates for the title of Queen Mother will showcase light hors d'oeuvres provided by Mangoes and happy hour cocktails at the cash bar. Donations at the door are greatly appreciated and benefit AIDS Help, Inc. of Monroe County.

The Queen Mother XXV Pageant itself is another fabulous John”Ma Production and will take place at 7 p.m. Monday at La-Te-Da, to benefit Hospice/VNA.

Lots of recent talk about PUPPY MILLS and PET FARMS…. THANK YOU …with RESPECT to SCOTT… at “DOGS on DUVAL” for his recent post on the windows of how selective he is about bringing those wonderful little creatures to KEY WEST… It has become THE place to stop and enjoy pups in the windows, but also WELL RESPECTED! APPLAUSE!

Very impressed with the KEY WEST WOMENFEST 2008 Website… of course they don’t have everything lined up yet, but the SITE IS HOT… GIRLS….just book your room now and come on down…see www.nakedconcierge.com

The only thing that can get “ENEMA” to switch from anything … but especially “PBS” radio… is RUDE GIRL and MOLLY BLUE… he can’t quit talking about it! YEAH!

DO NOT ASK “ENEMA” about the proposed CAPTURE of BIN LADEN… he will giggle till he gets red in the FACE…. Nasty BITCH! SMILE!

Sorry to see SYBIL leave the island as are the local LIQOUR DISTRIBUTORS…. Great to have you here from the HILLS…look forward to your return, but WARN us ahead of time…HUGS!

The BARRONESS wanted to take some of us out to DINNER and was (how many hundreds of years has he lived here?) going take us on the CONCH TRAIN… he thought they served DINNER….think about it.. Must be EARLY MORNING SCOTCH...Plus he claims to be so BROKE he can hardly afford FAST FOOD! TEE HEE! A DINNER THEATRE TRAIN…. SHHHHH… SWIFT will get MAYOR MAC”FEAR”SON to apply for a new TAX to support it… where would they put the DROP DOWN TABLES? GIGGLE!

So sorry that “JUDY” was the one eliminated from the AQUA IDOL…such a sweetie.. and she cleans houses, baby sits and always looking for work…contact AQUA for information.

Last night was more than interesting with DANCE SONGS… and for the most part enjoyable… very thrilled to hear they have already raised over $3000 and with the MATCHING MONEY… that is over $6000 already!

Have to share the line from our friend “CHERYL” about the HOST’S PRIVATE SONG…. 1. He is skinnier that TINA’S ARMS. 2. It should have been: “ROLLING UP THE REEFER” ….not DOWN THE RIVER…. Not that he would do that… but perhaps he should? We were all cracked up!

As we mentioned yesterday… for those that CARE about KEY WEST…do click on the results for the KEY WEST SURVEY that was worked on and wrapped up by the NAKED CONCIERGE…. You see the difference is that “HE” cares about what the VISITOR is looking for instead of TRYING to RECREATE this ISLAND….just a THOUGHT!

Great line from someone… “Who cares what you have done or should have done, it is what you DO NOW and in the FUTURE that COUNTS!” WHOA, that should crush a few EGOS…. If, they get it!

So pleased to see the beginning events of the GAY PRIDE WEEK for KEY WEST… see http://www.pridefestkeywest.com/ Hey, it is a start….

Have to apologize to the GAYTOR… the group (in the process we hear of filming a PORNO FLICK) the other night at the garden bar were NOT trying to PRICK GAYTOR’S PENIS… he really was NOT EVEN THERE…now we also heard that JOEY S. was there APPLAUDING…. No, he would do that would he? At least two of actors were over 23… GIGGLE!

CONN. DAVE has be new TRICK DU JOUR… see our PHOTO PAGE… and his time is running out… NOW the TRICK (and we lose that term with much abandon) was actually SOBER at 7 PM… that will never last…David likes ‘em DRUNK so that they remember what he DOES or DOES NOT DO to them??? KIDDING!

Pretty much, the news that the CT DAVE will be the newest model for the MANSEXUAL AD for MAYBELLINE EYE MAKEUP … come on, they CANNOT be REAL! AMAZING!

Mr. SISTER SEASON for 2007-2008 Eddie (the PURSE) Watson is getting organized for a fund raiser for the SISTER SEASON FUND in JULY…. CHRISTMAS IN JULY BAR HOP… could be fun… if EDDIE doesn’t get the CASA JIM DISEASE… real close… SMILE!

Hate to hear several reports.... witnessed the same .... That one of our favorite “ETHNIC” restaurants....seems to have lost it’s CUTTING EDGE… good SERVICE does NOT INCLUDE being FRANTIC… as we have said so many times, "we only call ‘em as we see ‘em and hear about ‘em." SORRY... all who read this know we support ANYTHING that is GOOD... and have and will!

Love some of the little quirky things we do, like the KENTUCKY DERBY at 801. So many of the locals are so much fun and it is just nice to sit there and chat. Got lots of tourists into the fun also. Thanks, SURREY. Of course it does not hurt when you win the pool. Hearing there will be something for the PREAKNESS.

Spent some time really looking at the initial results of the survey conducted with Key West visitors. It can be found via a link on the main page. One thing that caught my eye was the high ranking bartenders got for being friendly. That really is true----regardless of where you go.

What it suggests is that bartenders set the tone---even for tourists who will only be here a couple of days.

QUEEN MOTHER is coming up---this one will be great, given the contestants. Can not wait. The ROYAL TEA PARTY, at which you can meet all the contestants, is this Friday, 5-7:30 at 801.

JOESPH (of PEPPE and JOESPH) is visiting from New Orleans. He looks and sounds great.

Have found that when I go to have drinks with PISTOL and the BARONESS it is best to also take some cheese. It goes so well with their whines.

What did PISTOL tell me: “I was not conceived by conventional sex, I was fisted.” That explains a lot.

Two couples were here from Orlando. Their husbands were checking out the GARDEN BAR, and the two women played with MARCEL at the front bar of the BOURBON. Think the hens had more fun.

Not sure I believe it, but I am seeing it. MARCEL is getting even bigger. He is one gorgeous boy. Worth the visit to the BOURBON. oh, by the way, he is also a very nice young man.

Many of the West Virginia boys left yesterday and SYBILleaves tomorrow. They are a fun group, but it makes me miss JIM and DAVID (the HILL BILLIES) even more. Come home guys.

Our new neighbor DON was out the other night. Good guy---welcome to GAYTRONIA STREET.

JILL MCDONALD’S new bar in Columbus, TAVERN ON THE LAWN is about to open. It is a gay sports bar----great idea---but you need pom-pons for the gay guys. Would love to visit, but it is in Ohio---just too much scarlet and gray.

The bad news is that JIM and RAY have left. The good news is that Jim took his hat with him. PORSCHE is going to be at their bar, THE SWITCH, in Boonton (or is that Bumfuck) NJ on May 17

A meager suggestion. The US Strategic Oil Reserve is still competing for oil, yet it is 97% full. If they stopped buying oil, gas prices would drop maybe up to 50 cents per gallon.

Finally found out the name of the newcomers, CHRISTIAN and DOUG’S, dog. It is GEORGE--THE BIG DOG. By looking at him it doesn’t appear he has any hickies. Have to use the name George, so no one will confuse Big Dog with DAVID ROSE.

PROTECTION BILL starts his chemo treatments today. Still in great spirits. Hang in there guy. We need you back----no one rags PISTOL like you do.

GASSY WINDS has found new respect for RV BEAUMONT after he subbed for him at Gay Bingo. Do not think it was as easy as it looks.

The BOURBON GARDEN BAR and NEW ORLEANS HOUSE will be closed today because of loud construction needed for Quiznos (going in where Magnolias used to be.)

Anyone looking for a cute, horribly Type A man. CONNECTICUT DAVID got married and divorced in three days. Usually his relationships last at lest five days. If you need organizing, he is your man.

Love AQUA, especially on nights of DUELING BARTENDERS. They have a great, efficient and fun, fun staff. You can’t get better than the likes of LAURIE, TONTO, SRCH and the others. Their management, SANDY and JILL are great, and the talent---what more can be said about RANDY THOMPSON. Just a great fun place and event.

… and WELCOME HOME BUDDY CRANE! BIG YEAH!

QUOTE OF THE DAY: And I will NOT share who said IT …. But not really a LOCAL:

So proud of our buddy “JON’ MURPHY Who is running the OLD “CONNECTIONS”…now “SWITCH” in BOONTON NJ…. (STILL LOOKS LIKE BOON TOWN TO ME…GIGGLE) but they all raised over $2000 for their local AIDS CHARITIES yesterday with a 10K run !

See our IN-DEPTH Page for the announcement of our own “PORSCHE” performing there… SWITCH MAY 17th…

The CINCINNATI CHILI, SPAGHETTI, SOUR KRAUT, etc at the GARDEN BAR YESTERDAY was FABULOUS… but don’t stand too close in back of either PISTOL or ENEMA… for a couple of days… THANKS GUYS…. Dennis and Scott…..how much more FUN can you have in ONE DAY?

Well, ask SYBIL… we saw the hats and the DRAG, but we couldn’t catch up… our PHOTOGRAPHER was NAPPING… GEE, what a SURPRISE? SMILE!

Can it be true that our own SUBLIME GAYTOR was doing SHOTS off BODIES at the GARDEN BAR (which was as he did it MORE than EMBARRASSING.... and we are NOT easily EMBARRASSED) but later last night the staff was attempting to PIERCE HIS PETER???…. Wasn’t there, but SURE HEARD ABOUT IT …. A LOT!…MUST ADMIT am not very PROUD at this point… but, what do I know?

I will probably pay for this SIMPLE MISTAKE for MONTHS… yesterday announced those RUNNING for “QUEEN MOTHER”… and I simply did not type in RANDY THOMPSON … how could I MISS THAT?… I APOLOGIZE over and over… BELIEVE ME I HAVE HEARD IT ALL DAY! Screw one little THING up and WORLD READS THE COLUMN…. Say something nice and they avoid you weeks…used to it!

I do NOT have any favorites in this CONTEST… however we are looking forward to WHO will be HOSTING DUELING BARTENDERS on MAY 12th…. SMIRK?

The rumor that it will be DEJA and GATOR…. not true…too busy in KEY HAVEN trying to LAUNCH the BOATS? Or is it write a SYMPHONY? TEE HEE!

So sorry to hear of the passing of our dear “ANNIE RHODES”….RUSTY’S MOTHER… at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR last week…… she was so much fun when she first came to town and RUSTY and I both worked at the “DA”…. However, has been a TRYING couple years and she is was blessed by having a LOVING AND CARING SON… THANKS RUSTY.. And PEACE!

This NEXT Saturday is the U.S. POSTAL SERVICE collection of CANNED GOODS… you can put things out by your mail box for collection by your MAIL CARRIER… or if you live where I do ...where the LOCAL HOMELESS steal…… may want to take a bag or TWO to BOBBY’S, where KING BILL will assist in collecting…THANKS TO ALL !

You are all a little safer now… our visiting house guest “RAY” turned his SCOOTER back into MO-PED Hospital yesterday…. without INCIDENT. He and “JIM” are back off to REHOBOTH… sure has been FUN!

Amazing ….TWO DAYS in TOWN and CHRISTIAN and DOUG from COLORADO have more BRUISES and MARKS than those of us that have been here for years….GIGGLE… Of course they are not HICKIES… oh, we think the stories will go on and ON! KIDDING!

I shouldn’t report this, but HENRY (our favorite Bar Back at the COMPLEX) actually called “MARCEL” a “PUSSY” and with HENRY’S great accent… it was FITTING! ....and VERY FUNNY!

CINCINNATI SCOTT says he made BUBBLES in the HOT TUB at the COMPLEX without TURNING it on…. DAMNED CHILI… GIGGLE!

“loved …was simply seducing”…THOSE WERE THE simple WORDS FROM “JT” AFTER EXPERIENCING THE Cirque Du Soleil (BEATLES) show in LAS VEGAS…. Think he is having a good time between meetings?…. YES!

Is it my day OFF YET? SMILE!

Lots of news today not all that great. ROBERT “WOODIE” WARREN passed today… some may not have known him, but he was FRIEND to EVERYONE… Am sure that DALE (BINGO 801) will welcome him on the other side…WOODIE was a MAJOR BINGO player for YEARS and a favorite at SQUARE ONE… he too will be very MISSED… PEACE.

Also sorry to hear that “CLAIRE”….the BINGO RAFFLE TICKET SELLER for YEARS has to go BACK in the Hospital to REDO an operation that was SCREWED up the first time ….from what hear …on her leg… WARM WISHES and hope they GET IT RIGHT this time….

Talked to one our FAVES and former QUEEN MOTHER MICHAEL EPTING… he is getting ready to leave the island and move to SOUTH CAROLINA to be closer to his MOM….Was with SQUARE ONE for years and MICHAEL’S RESTAURANT….known to many as CRYSTAL CLEAR… and he too will be missed!

Our “XENA FUND” PORN GARAGE SALE was a GREAT SUCCESS… thanks to all that contributed and BOUGHT… where else in the WORLD do you have PORN SALE on SATURDAY…in a BAR… with FOOD… we raised over $200 for the XENA FUND… and with VIDEOS and DVD’S going at GARAGE SALE PRICES?

SPECIAL THANKS to MARK and BOB in CHICAGO… great stuff… to WYNN and GARY, FAIRY LARRY, JT, ADRIAN, PETER RYDER, BUDDY at LEATHERMASTER, IN-TOUCH, ENEMA and many who DID NOT want their names mentioned…IT WAS FUN… SAVE UP FOR NEXT YEAR!

Loved it that RALPHIE at the GARDEN BAR made SPECIAL QUESADIAS (sic) and FAJITAS for the “MEXICAN WEEKEND!?”.. Honey it is “CINCO DE MAYA” not “QUATTRO DE MAYO!”…. oh well, they were good and even better is that RALPHIE was EARLY since he got over the FENCE on the BOARDER quicker… ever seen that girl RUN in heels?? GIGGLE..

Also for sale on Saturday will be the new PISTOL AND ENEMA T-shirts. Couldn’t figure how to market a T-shirt with PISTOL’S picture on it. Finally decided a porn sale was most appropriate.

On Tuesday we had a rainbow around the sun----it was beautiful----thought it was the rapture and was were I wanted to be, in the bar enjoying my beers.

Already miss CHUCK, PORSCHE and JENNIFER. We will make an effort to get to see you this summer. The Finale was great---but long. Notice that did not write we missed DESIRAY---should be named DIZZYRAY. Since he has gone peace and tranquility have returned to Paradise.

Did not make this up. A key to McCAIN’S health care plan is to have you get better exercise and eat better----then you will not need health care. He also stated that the vast majority of Americans are doing better economically in the last six years. Good lord, what planet does he live on, or is he talking to Bush and Cheney too much. Am getting really neutral on the Democratic nominee----just want one of them to win and end this kind of ludicrous thinking.

PAUL the RAG (Bourbon) shared with us his newest, favorite video “2girls1cup.” Probably the most disgusting thing have ever seen. More fun to watch the reactions of first time viewers. PAUL, (this will come as no shock to those who know him) you are one sick mongrel. PISTOL could not watch it----GATOR won‘t see it and I laughed my ass off. What is that saying about them?

THE BARONESS saw the video and stated, “That is not shit because shit sticks to the teeth.” Will have to accept his expertise.

Rumor has it that FF SAM “got off” when he saw the video. One sick puppy.

CONNECTICUT DAVID has been here a week and we have barely seen him (not that we are complaining.) Seems he is not leaving his room much. Hope he is not sick---YAH

In two weeks GATOR and I will be visiting JAZ in Bumfuck, Denmark. If you want to send a card or note to him---get it to one of us. We will make him read them before he starts on the Jager.

Thursday was MANAGER GREG’S birthday. He is 29, going on 12. Fun guy.

May is fun here. On the 12th is QUEEN MOTHER. One of my favorite events. Rumor has it that GUGI and SAMANTHA are also running. Should be really interesting.

Towards the end of the month is SURVIVORS PARTY, sponsored by THE SISTER SEASON FUND. This is just really a good time.

JON JON get DALE out----we have not seen him for a while and miss him.

OMP… and if you don’t know what that means? You have NOT been reading REGULARLY.. and you know how ENEMA gets about REGULARITY? SHE JUST SHITS! SMILE!

Happy Birthday to WENDY’S PAULIE.. and ROBBIE’S too… hope you both love NEW ORLEANS as it LOVES YOUR RIGHT BACK… sorry we missed JIM CLARKE’S BIRTHDAY yesterday… but he was so BUSY catching SAILFISH etc. he didn’t notice…LOVE YOU!

It has been a WEEK of stuff… and I am tired… I know, I am a TIRED OLD QUEEN…I was told several times last night… and I will GET OVER IT! HOWEVER you will NOT be HAPPY ! GIGGLE!

Got a BOX and A BIG ONE from MARK and BOB (the RUBBERMAIDS) from CHICAGO of the GREATEST PORN for the PORNO GARAGE SALE THIS SATURDAY (for the XENA FUND) … most have to be rewound… GIGGLE… but such fun… plus we have LOTS MORE from LEATHERMASTER and PRIVATE STASHES which should make this more than FUN…. DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY…only in KEY WEST!

THERE WILL BE NO PREVIEWS… unless you hurry over to PISTOL’S HOUSE NOW…. HURRY, I CUM Really FAST! TEE HEE

Thanks to FRASER and JOHN from SCOTLAND for the recent BRITISH PUBLICATIONS… we laugh a LOT!

There is so much leading up to QUEEN MOTHER… and we are so sorry that we don’t have all the POSTERS UP YET… having a bit of TECHNICAL CHALLENGE…. They will be there… and “REIGNING QUEEN MOTHER” RON.. is doing a number again… what a TREAT!

Had an absolutely spectacular meal at “915”… their food and service are SO SO SUPERIOR!

Please ASK CHUCK THOMPSON about his newest FRIEND… “TANYA”… long story but the BITCH does tell it well…

WELCOME “ROBIN” from TEXAS (we will NOT mention the TOWN) and a FRIEND of PAUL…. We had no idea he had friends… SEE THE PICTURE PAGE!

OH, this is funny… well, not that FUNNY.. but DESI finally found her PAD…it was under the “DEPENDS” so we will quote from what she sent..NO EDITING and/or RESPONSIBILITY! GIGGLE, TEE HEE and BARF

It cannot be MAY FIRST… already… what happened to APRIL?! MAY DAY in KEY WEST… is when MISS MESS (JEREMY) tried to HIDE his newest CONQUEST “DAVID” at BOBBY’S… how exciting is that? SMILE!

Loved the talent and good stuff they brought… WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE PORSCHE FINALE SHOW…. JENNIFER, PORSCHE, the SKYY’S, GRANNIE, CHUCK, XAVIER (or how the hell you spell it.,.. RV looked her very best and did her very best…TEE HEE and EVEN DESIRAY..… ..if I forgot someone… you probably were either FORGETTABLE or ENEMA was DRUNK…. Both can happen! SMILE!

THANKS TO YOU ALL.. and am sure the FINALE TRIP back on the ROAD was not PRETTY…watching these queens LOAD (and I mean LOAD) their LUGGAGE was an experience…. never seen so many HUNGOVER with RACCOON EYES in my life… LOVE YOU ALL… COME BACK SOON.. like, OCTOBER would be good….KIDDING!

WE are sure that the new website by a local female REALTOR www.loserswehavehelpedcausewethinkwewerewonderfulandneededtogetgetattention..COM is TOTALLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION by RON MARRIOTT, BRAIN EVANS, RUDY MARN and now ROB RUSSO… GIRL, just because someone says YOU ARE FUN… does not mean you are!! And we KNOW you don’t buy drinks… do GO FIGURE.. or UN-INVITE people to your CHRISTMAS PARTY… only A “FEW” will get that…. GOOD LUCK TO ALL…seems you will all NEED IT!

So sorry to hear of GINGER KING’S loss of her KITTY TIPPER…. Rough thing with PETS… PEACE!

New “Q VIEW” on the ARTS… CHECK IT OUT!

After all the NEWS on the ISLAND this week, feel like we should sublimate a bit… more that we can deal with.

We would love to discuss “CONN. DAVE!” but now that his BOY TOY can ENTER and LEAVE in the FRONT DOOR…cause he no longer works there… he is cool….. of course the EYEBROWS at LATEDA are still ARCHED!….SMILE!

WE STILL NEED OLD PORNO for the GARAGE SALE this SATURDAY… this is a FUND RAISER for the XENA FUND… and people keep promising … but not that much is SHOWING UP… although we hear a 25 LB box is arriving from our BUDDIES in CHICAGO! YEAH!

Does anyone except me think that our GOVERNOR CHARLIE looks like PETER GRAVES from AIRPLANE? Candy little boy?

OH, we could discuss “AMERICAN IDOL”, but since TIPSY was off having a ROMANTIC DINNER with the JUNIOR… we had to watch on the little SCREENS at GARDEN BAR… too much effort to put down the BIG SCREEN, BOB? OH WELL, we are used to it by now! The little effort… NOT A GRIN!

At least we had DREW (such a sweetie) and PEE (not that SWEET) and we made it through!

And poor BROOKE is BROKE.., yeah, right… but the four left are full of talent… I would BED JASON in a HEART BEAT… but I am too too old… but, what a DREAM! You want to know PISTOL’S TYPE… HE IS IT!

I know most of us are PLEASED about the RECENT GUILTY VERDICT of the SLOB that ruined NADINE’S life… but pretty sure that the SENTENCING will include CLEANING the MEN’S ROOM at the Detention CENTER… for like TWO WEEKS…. come on, lets not be TOO MEAN… BULL SHIT… he should be a BITCH in the JAIL for some HORNY BASTARD… but then that is just my opinion….

Hate to even have to say anthing, so will simply copy what ENEMA said yesterday... it just makes me very SAD... as it does do many. Distressed by the arrest of ROB RUSSO. Although the charges are serious, there is something about them that do not make sense with the man we know and like. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let us not judge him until the judicial process is complete. In the meantime, our thoughts are with ROB and MARTY.

This may be SHORT TONIGHT ENEMA was drinking VODKA and I was TOO early into SCOTCH… give us a break… we BOTH need time off … after this weekend…???? YOU TRY KEEP TO IT UP…

PLUS, we thought that DESIRAY was going to WRITE a column for us this week… she kept begging…… WE GAVE HER A PAD and a PEN… she lost BOTH.. Isn’t as easy as you thought it, is it BITCH?

Sorry to hear “SNOW” was eliminated at AQUA IDOL…we were hoping for NEIL … GIGGLE!

Hear from our SWEETIES in CHICAGO that they showed a snippet of the Bed Races on the Chicago ABC news station last night. Mark and Bob (the DOROTHYS) picked out Marcel and Ernesto in all their hunky glory. And then they told us that the temp got down to 30 degrees last night in CHICAGO.. no wonder they come to visit… SMILE…with WARMTH…

Sorry we missed GRANNIE at the PORSCHE FINALE… heard it was TOO TOO MUCH…. but the we missed a lot… someone was buying DRINKS… not that I would BLAME JOHN SCHAFFER (so good to see him out)… but the SCOTCH kicked in… what a FABULOUS SHOW … for those that could sit for 4 hours and drink….GIGGLE…

THANKS TO ALL WHO WORKED on it...and especially to PORSCHE and CHUCK… we will miss you…

This is short and sweet tonight… very tired and not of the best of health… thank GOD for IBUPROFEN … mega doses!

Am trying to be nice to certain bartenders since they are threatening bodily harm. Oh afraid, very afraid.

DALE now that Jon-Jon has gone to visit his mom---come out and play. WE MISS YOU.

The YOOPERS have left for the summer. But not before they gave DAVID ROSE two big jars of peanut butter. Oh how a reputation spreads.

CONNECTICUT DAVID is back for two weeks-----now that frightens me.

JERSEY JIM, from some town that sounds like bottom, we will contribute to a return trip to Thailand to take back THAT HAT.

RYON, new bartender at BOURBON, is from Michigan----now wonder he is so cute and nice.

JENNIFER, friend of Chuck and Porsche, is not only talented, but what a hoot.

CONCH REPUBLIC DAYS are over, but they were fun, fun, fun.

The HULA BOYS left town today. Until next April. However, DEAN before you return decide what you are going to do with your life.

Last night was PAULIE’S last shift at SALOON ONE. He is moving to Atlanta where he got a job he really could not refuse. He will be missed---but someday he will return.

The PORSCHE SHOW with JENNIFER MCLAIN on Sunday might be one of the best ever. Great to have MARK and STEVE show up after their Commitment Ceremony. Love it when the music drives PISTOL nuts. Am convinced the only thing sensitive about him is his ears.

Had to leave the GARDEN BAR when FF SAM got down to his shorts. What is the expression, “those that should not, do.” Babes, tried to be nice, but your such an easy target.

GATOR got back from re-hab (his mom’s house) Sunday and quickly made up for it.

Yesterday listened to REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT’S speech to the National Press Club. It was just excellent and a wonderful learning experience if you were capable of listening. If you have a chance to hear it, do.

QUOTE: DESIRAY to SAM: “You are cute, but not that cute.”

NAKED CONCIERGE saw SAM’S picture and wants to adopt him-----told him to wait until AFTER the interview. Sam, may have your Sugar Daddy. PISTOL is not only taking to himself, he is replying. Could this be dementia?

CHUCKLE’S SEAN is in town. So great to see him----he is not only good eye candy, but wonderful young man.

TONY and JACOB left today. Promise they will be back by the end of June.

QUOTE: PISTOL: “Can you imagine RALPHIE twenty years from now?” DESIRAY: “Just look at GUGI.”

PROTECTION BILL is in Clearwater with spirits high. Begins his medical treatments in 2-3 days. Our thoughts are with you babes.

Am distressed by the arrest of ROB RUSSO. Although the charges are serious, there is something about them that do not make sense with the man I know and like. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let us not judge him until the judicial process is complete. In the meantime, our thoughts are with ROB and MARTY.

Think COREY has a new nickname, given him by GASSY WINDS of TOY BOY COREY.

Last night was another KEY WEST MOMENT. First, DUELING BARTENDERS at AQUA with RANDY THOMPSON and GASSY WINDS. Excellent as always, with GASSY taking special care to make MARK and STEVES’S second night of commitment special.

This was followed by PORSCHE’S FINAL SHOW co-hosted by PORSCHE and JENNIFER MCCLAIN. The visiting drag queens were great, including RV BEAUMONT, BARBIE, MIDGE SKYY, IVANA, DEISRAY, MARTINA SKYY, and of course GRANNY. Just wonderful.

Both bars were packed----great for a Monday night in April.

Just one question. Is MIDGE SKYY the ugly sister of MARTINA SKYY?

DERRICK “THE DITZ” was in town. Now living in Fort Liquordale and working for the BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP COMPANY. How appropriate.

Saw JOHN SCHAFFER out after months of being laid up. YEAH

We mention from time to time “KEY WEST MOMENTS”… SUNDAY afternoon was a BIG ONE… “JENNIFER McClain” (visiting friend of PORSCHE with a GIGANTIC VOICE) and PORSCHE were doing what they called a SOUND CHECK (obviously IT DIDN'T work...later we had more FEED BACK than with "BO"… I an NOT A TECHNICIAN… but turning the VOLUME down usually STOPS FEED BACK, but what do I KNOW? ...)WITH CHUCK in the front window on DUVAL… and we stumbled in …OMP… it was FANTASTIC and we talked them into another and another with CHUCK and SUDDENLY SEYMOUR…. Which always makes old PISTOL CRY… and I am NOT SORRY… I LOVE IT!

Do understand that I still cry at winners on the “PRICE IS RIGHT” and spend most of my time wiping tears from eyes at home… and you thought “I” was the BITCH….

This was more than fun… and except for a few walking down DUVAL (who were in TOTAL SHOCK) it was just a “MOMENT”… a wonderful one… THANKS…

SO looking forward to TONIGHT for the FINALE show…

If I were “ENEMA” after yesterday…. I would have taken COVER… but it was TOO LATE… the “ROSE” came after him with LOADED (WATER) GUN… and the poor soul (ENEMA) looked like he had PEED HIMSELF... but then he was far enough from “PEE” to not WORRY! We do NOT think that PEE and ROSE have a new WEBSITE: www.peanutbetter/cinnamon.com BUT, YOU NEVER KNOW!

I love STRAIGHT PEOPLE who try to be FUNNY with GAY PEOPLE… they really really work at it…. honey it is NOT easy to keep up with TACKY QUEENS when it comes to HUMOR… and ONE LINERS…. PEE… better to just SUBLIMATE…SMILE!

Speaking of PEE… he served me SCOTCH at 1 PM… which I never drink before dark… but then he heard me order food from RALPHIE and thought it might take that long to get it….KIDDING!

SUCCESS in KEY WEST: Get a job with the CITY or COUNTY… ie. ZAPPULLA . WILLI or MAUDLIN… do bad things, get fired or quit and collect lots of MONEY… THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG HERE… well, unless you get DRUNK, do COKE, feel up your assistant or almost KILL SOMEONE while DRIVING… Have a LOT OF DISGUST here… but it means nothing… Hey, IT’S KEY WEST!…. the BAD PART… does anyone CARE or LISTEN?

DO KNOW that if any one of “US” ever even THOUGHT about SEXUAL ABUSE or the MYRIAD of other OFFENSES of the above MENTIONED we would NOT ONLY BE IN JAIL we would be in deep KA KA! And probably someone's BITCH by now.... which for some would be fun.... not this time! Unless of course…IF we worked for the CITY/ COUNTY/ MAYOR or had good friends at RICKS! … THIS JUST GETS ME SO PISSED….

Will let “ENEMA” take on BAHAMA MAMA and SILLARY… will handle the LOCAL being pissed off!

WINNER OF THE BED RACES? WHO KNOWS? Did they START YET? SMILING…. We have LOTS of PICTURES … thanks to SHERIFF CHARLES and others for submitting. HOWEVER, now details… am sure they will be available for $1 in the CITIZEN?

Love to rag on locals and their habits and/or screw-ups, but also love to applaud when they do well… lets take “RALPHIE!” … well, you take him, everyone else has had him….KIDDING….he “PULLED HIS PORK” or whatever it was ....and made a FABULOUS BARBECUE SANDWICH on SATURDAY at the GARDEN BAR…. I mean ….REALLY REALLY GOOD… YEAH!

Still haven’t gotten the HOT DOG we ordered from last week, but that is okay….he made up for it!!!! SMILING A LOT!

This wed. Sushi, Gugi, Kylie, and RV are off to UC Santa Barbara to do a free show on the 4th…signing the book, etc…. Then Sushi is off to NYC for the TDC, and Kylie, Gugi, and RV are off to see Cher in Vegas opening night, and all back by the 8th…..

We are hearing more and more fun about those that going to perform this MONDAY for the PORSCHE FINALE…. Get there EARLY!

Congrats to CHARLES and DENNIS on the purchase of their OWN NEW HOME! A giant step for anyone…. for nice guys it is even BETTER… not to mention that one more REALTOR will eat this month…GIGGLE!

We are now beginning to get PORN from readers around the world for the PORN GARAGE SALE for the XENA FUND……May 3rd….. some with SUBTITLES… like OH, WOW, MORE and YEAH… in SPANISH…. SI! If you have any to send DO DO DO… SI!

One of the greatest loses in a long time is one of the most PHOTOGRAPHED “BOUGAINVILLEA” tree on the island that covered the entire corner of the old VIDA ZAPATA on DUVAL at OLIVIA… all of sudden it is GONE.. WHY? Depressing! It was GORGEOUS even if the BUILDING Is a MESS!

A sad time for us in KEY WEST to lose GEORGE BORN (Executive Director of the Florida Keys History Foundation) and a great KEY WEST ADDITIVE… moving to on RHODE ISLAND… Best of LUCK!

GOT word that the “ORIGINAL CABAÑA BOY” and former BARTENDER at BOOTLEGGERS, ETC. ETC….BRYAN… (with JOE) is alive and well in the CHICAGO AREA… at a B&B… working … tee hee!

This is why we are working on a new area in PISTOL AND ENEMA of “WHAT HAPPENED TO…..????” Stay tuned… it is not easy… and we still want to keep it FREE…

Anyone want to get a SALES JOB with PISTOL AND ENEMA? We need someone NOW!…. I am too OLD and ENEMA is too DRUNK…KIDDING!

Talking about AGE… have to love it when our beloved “KOKO” of the SEASCAPE INN… got flustered that his WORK cell phone was ringing and he couldn’t find it while sitting at BOBBY’S (AFTER WORK on his DAY OFF) saying; “I AM JUST TOO OLD FOR CELL PHONES!”….Honey, we know the feeling, but YOU are not too old and we ALL have to deal with them now….GIGGLING A LOT!

How good can an ARBY’S be after it was purchased in FORT LAUDERDALE and brought all the way down to KW… ASK “EDDIE” at the PORN BAR at the COMPLEX… Porsche and Chuck bring him one every week and he just gets “MOIST” looking at the bag… it has to be MORE than SOGGY by the time he gets to eat it…. LOL.

Great accolades to “PAUL” filling in for the GAYTOR at the SPOT LIGHT for PORSCHE this weekend… the light was actually on the SINGER for the ENTIRE SHOW …but the poor dear kept asking some of us “WHEN DO I TAKE MY DICK OUT AND PULL MY PANTS DOWN?”…. more than funny… but so true… P.S. HE DIDN’T…DAMN IT!… that would have been even more fun!

Sorry to hear that ALL OF SUDDEN “VISION WORKS”.,…next to K-MART…. Closed ups and took all their records with them…. Left several in a LURCH… see see see LINDA at EYE EYE EYE…she will work with you!

BIG DAY and a BIG WEEKEND….Tonight is KARAOKE with JEFF at 801… .BINGO at 801 with RV…. PORSCHE SHOW at 7 PM at BOURBON… Bar B Cue with RALPHIE at the GARDEN BAR… WII BOWLING at BOBBY’S…. POKER at AQUA.. .and all the usual DRAG SHOWS at AQUA and 801… Don’t say you can’t find something fun to do on this ISLAND plus the WRAP up EVENTS of the CONCH REPUBLIC DAYS! YEAH and HOORAY… and the WEATHER is DELIGHTFUL!

The national coverage of the DRAG RACES was excellent. It is the type of coverage that we need----national and positive. Thanks again BOURBON PUB and 801 for putting them on.

It is interesting what businesses get involved and which do not. BOURBON PUB, 801, AQUA and BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR always seem to be there. FLAMINGO’S is always there with food, and it is good. KEY WEST INK is also very represented, as is IN TOUCH and GRAFFITI. The rest of the businesses and bars on the 700 block just seem to take and take from these events.

The HULA BOYS and THEIR FRIENDS are just too much fun. However, have a warning. If DEAN says, “What am I going to do with my life” one more time, he may not have a life to worry about.

XAVIER and MATTHEW are another pair of special visitors. They are always fun and REALLY contribute to the DRAG RACES by being the THE DOROTHYS and serving as the medical staff. Just too much.

Ventured beyond Eaton Street (something I rarely do) to again go the HERITAGE HOUSE MUSEUM on the 400 block of Caroline. Just love that place and the sense of history it gives of this wonderful island.

Beginning a fund for the first person to take GATOR’S TRUMPET away from him. PLEASE it is a menace to all of us.

Love this country and pay close attention to politics, but this political season is driving me up a wall. Please wake me up when there is a nominee.

SURREY’S FATHER is a really nice guy. Would like to know what happened to her gene pool.

QUOTE: VP DICK CHENEY: “Yes there is global warming. It is called spring.” Listen, can not make this stuff up---he actually said it. Well if it is not good for Halliburton, it can not be good for the country.

DAVID ROSE is the poster boy for a new campaign: CAMPAIGN FOR RETRO-ACTIVE ABORTIONS.

CUTE COREY is unemployed. Baby, even here it is essential you go to work.

Really excited about Monday---DUELING BARTENDERS at AQUA at 5:30 and PORSCHE’S FINAL SHOW after. Personally will have to use some self-control---not one of my better traits.

CUFF get your butt down here---we miss you. Notice that not the same was said about OMAHA CRAIG and CONNECTICUT DAVID.

PISTOL fall and go boom in the same spot as THE BARONESS. It was a sympathy spill. It is also the spot I fell at a couple of months ago. We are the Kaboom club.

Sad news. PAULIE, the bartender at SALOON ONE, will be leaving the island. His last shift is this Monday, beginning at 10. He is a good guy and will be missed.

JUNIOR is in San Diego visiting his brother. Wonder if hw will cause an earthquake.

PEPPE the DANCER is back at the BOURBON PUB. Sweetest, nicest young man and cute. Welcome back babes.

The CONCH REPUBLIC PARADE was really good Thursday night. It good Conch tradition it started and hour and half late-----got to love this place.

Eh gads, DESIRAY IS COMING. Keep your kids, cats, dogs and iguanas inside.

GATOR is in re-hab this weekend. He is visiting his Mom in Homestead----a great lady. Another example of a mixed-up gene pool.

Was out late the other night and learned something---DAVID ROSE is not as ugly as in the day light. Little light helps him. Also saw BRETT at 801----a sweet and gorgeous man.

Rumor has it that the following are running for QUEEN MOTHER: VIDAL: SUSHI, MARKY MARK, RANDY THOMPSON, and MARK WATSON. If true, what an event this will be.

FF SAMMY is just one demented, little mind. Where does he come up with all this stuff. He and DAVID ROSE are friends from the same home town----where did they meet in juvenile detention?

Met two of MIKE’S of FLAMINGO’S kids-----JEFF and NICOLE. Nicole is a sweetheart and Jeff is a character and well known on this island. Do not care, FLAMINGO’S is open again and I can eat. Her father’s 90th birthday went well. Love these people.

Just one political fact. Since 2001 gasoline in the US has gone up 319%, while in Europe it has gone up 82%. Why, the devaluation of the US dollar. Who does that help-----big business-----this administration is the one that should have been impeached. How many more days?

Do not forget the PORNO GARAGE SALE at BOURBON GARDEN BAR, next Saturday from 1 to 3. Proceeds go to the XENA FUND.

Lets start out with looking at the PICTURE and FIRST PARAGRAPH in yesterdays GOSSIP. Then, I will tell you (NOT BY NAME) of the EMAIL I got yesterday…. Which proves to me once again that so many either CAN’T or DON’T READ….I admit I did NOT make the appropriate PARAGRAPH BREAK, but HOLY SHIT! When this person asked me….SERIOUSLY….. “HOW THE HELL DID THE QUEEN MOTHER get DAVID BECKHAM to show up in KEY WEST?” ……..HELLO?…… Not that we would NOT like him and am sure that even JOHN “MA” EVANS would STOP THE SHOW FOR THAT… it was more than funny… SORRY for making fun of the writer… I WILL NEVER MENTION YOUR NAME….OMP!

Oh, lets look one more time!

Come on, that is YUMMY and his appearance on ELLEN was a delight… seems to be a DELIGHTFUL GENTLEMAN too…

The rumor is true! Jill McDonald (owner of AQUA) is opening yet another new club: “TAVERN ON THE LAWN”… on Greenlawn in COLUMBUS. She is having too much fun up there working with POWER TOOLS! It OPENS MAY 16th and will be a LESBYTERIAN SPORTS BAR (whatever that might be…SMIRK) SEE www.tavernonthelawn.com the site is still “UNDER CONSTRUCTION” however the bar back bar and all the tables have been hand made out of solid walnut. Also put in a huge 13' huge stone fireplace. Best of luck…. Am sure it will be fun!

The Florida Senate is debating a bill that would raise taxes on a pack of cigarettes by $1.00. Fortunately, Gov. Charlie Crist is on the record as opposing an increase in the cigarette tax, as well as other taxes. You can send an e-mail to Gov. Crist by clicking on Charlie.Crist@MyFlorida.com Together, smokers can make their voices heard, and keep the government’s hands out of their pockets!

Mark and Steve have their special “COMMITMENT CEREMONY” on SUNDAY… and I am now told it is NO LONGER A SURPRISE…. (WHEW….that could have been tense)

Don’t know if this is GOOD NEWS or BAD….SMILE… but “DESIRAY” is coming into town on SUNDAY…. And THANK GOD, returning on TUESDAY…SMILE…. we are guessing for the PORSCHE FINALE on MONDAY…YEAH

Many know that Woody (Robert Warren) has been in the hospital for the last three weeks. He has double pneumonia and is not doing very well. His spirits are down so we are trying to get cards and emails to him to know that all his Key West family is thinking of him. Please keep it light but give him a little kick in the butt at the same time. The email address is sharon.halek@prodigy.net. She will print out messages and take them to him in the hospital. For the old fashion kind of cards, send to Robert Warren, 1218 S.E. 30th St., Cape Coral, FL 33904…. THANKS and GOOD WISHES!

Have to enjoy the stupidly of locals in the CITIZEN’S VOICE that BITCH about the DRIVERS of the CONCH TRAINS saying the same thing all the time… HELLO? Maybe the listener should MOVE to a different location? Most difficult to discuss the HEMINGWAY HOUSE while in front of the BUTTERFLY OBSERVATORY….or better yet, how about if the “VOICE” bought a ticket and took the train… it is still very intriguing…especially to those that have never been on it!

Have to enjoy this line from a local BAR PATRON about BRUCE MOORE’S LETTER saying we need more SHELTERS… “Yeah, so he can have a TAP DANCE STAGE on the ROOF?”…. COME ON, that was FUNNY!

WELCOME HOME “JT” and THANKS for bringing my SPRINGTIME FAVORITE “BLUEBERRY COFFEE”… after two cups the HOUSE SMELLS wonderful and at 10 PM??? I AM THINKING ABOUT CLEANING and JITTERY…but, it is wonderful.

DAVID BECKHAM will be on the ELLEN SHOW today…. 5 PM.. do not call my house or cell as I will be watching in the nude… OMP….A couple of reasons to come to Key West…right around the corner…. It is that time of year…. “QUEEN MOTHER” …Monday May 12.

Then the SURVIVORS PARTY is on MAY 26th…. Any help you can offer for SILENT AUCTION ITEMS, please do.. this is for the “SISTER SEASON FUND!” Contact us at PISTOL AND ENEMA…. especially if you are a reader in another city and wish to contribute… ANYTHING would be great… OMAHA STEAKS (real ones), BARBECUE SAUCE from SOUTH CAROLINA, BEEF on WICK from Western NY… HINT HINT!

April 27th is the SURPRISE COMMITMENT CEREMONY ( how does one do that as a SURPRISE? UMMMM) of MARK (The Marky Mark from AQUA) and STEVE will be a BENEFIT for HOSPICE… no gifts, just bring a donation for HOSPICE. 4 to 7 PM at the SOUTHERNMOST HOUSE on DUVAL & SOUTH…Hope it is a HAPPY TIME

If you are a registered/defined BOWLER with WII at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR and are the FIRST one to get “300”… a perfect game? YOU GET A $100 BAR TAB….HURRY, some of these folks are getting GOOD!

Fun to run into BIRTHDAY BOY REGGIE along with KING BILL and QUEEN GINGER Tuesday night at BOBBY’S trying to BOWL and CELEBRATE… SILLY

Sorry to hear that JOHNNY LOVE was eliminated from the latest AQUA IDOL Tuesday…and it moves on ! We hear that next week the contestants all have to sing songs from the FIFTIES!

Got the dates for TROPICAL HEAT this year…. Aug 7-12…. Events yet to be scheduled but those planning in advance…there you go!

PRIDE FEST KEY WEST is set for Jun 7-15 and the events are pretty well lined up at www.pridefestkeywest.com COME AND ENJOY

Also a note that “NAKED BOYS SINGING” comes back to the WATERFRONT from MAY 21- June 14….

LOTS OF REASONS to VISIT and/or RETURN… plus HOTEL PRICES are beginning to go down…. Contact: www.nakedconcierge.com for HELP and FUN TOO!

Only in KEY WEST would the locals CELEBRATE “GREEN EARTH DAY”… and this was ENEMA’S IDEA… by drinking “GREEN APPLE SHOTS!” OMP!

Well, LAURIE (AQUA) was telling how she had an “OLIVE TREE” when she lived in ARIZONA … and for EARTH DAY she PRESSED for OIL by sitting on them????? HELLO!?

Have to love all the STARS, POLITICIANS (Oprah, Laura B, Julia Roberts, Al Gore) going on and on about GREEN, COMPOST PILES and NON-TOXIC STUFF…. And then they run off to their PRIVATE JETS to scoot somewhere else…. Of course most of the new GREEN JETS only burn BULLSHIT… kind of like KEY WEST POLITICS! GIGGLE!

We too get confused about ENEMA’S REFERRAL to the “SIGNIFICANT OTHER OF GAYTOR”… hey, it is JAMES and he is a handsome local LAWYER…. And he RIDES with GAYTOR …with the TOP DOWN … while GAYTOR SQUEALS his TIRES on DUVAL and BLOWS his TRUMPET… why is this a “SFO” story? We think he works in PROTECTIVE SERVICES ETC. not in a WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM… GAYTOR will hate me for his, but COME ON… We are NOT in PADUCAH… GIGGLE… LOVE YOU BOTH and WISH YOU LUCK….and we are laughing as well…with you, NOT AT YOU….. but some others are…don’t be silly… THIS IS KEY WEST!

DO REMEMBER… NO ONE IS SAFE from PISTOL or RANDY THOMPSON… the world is an out OYSTER and we can either SWALLOW or SPIT IT OUT…. LAUGHING A LOT!

You have to love this request from KEY WEST INK…. They currently have a front desk/preservationist position available. So if you know of any one who is a people person, can show up to work on time and fully understands the phrase "customer service" please send them to Gregg McGrady 305-522-0717…. GOOD LUCK… it is KEY WEST, you know…Hard BILL to FILL…. SMILE.. and GOOD LUCK!

And if you all find more than one… PLEASE LET US KNOW… there are SO MANY BUSINESSES LOOKING! It seems like such a simple request… and many will apply and LIE… OH, the challenges of owning a business in this town… GLAD I DON’T ANYMORE…. BIG SMILE!

Jeff Smead wanted to us know that the movie that Markey Mark and Jeff were extras in is finally in theatrical release! Starring Tori Spelling and from the infamous writer/director of Latter Days. www.kissthebridemovie.com Good going guys!

Refreshing to see our “BUDS” Pam and Wayne out and about at AQUA Monday…miss you two!

We are not yet sure what is happening at AQUA regarding a new CORNHOLING CONTEST…which LAURIE, JILL, SANDY and RANDY are trying to explain is a throwing of “CORN TOSSING” that is a MID-WEST THING and a real game as opposed to what I was brought up with and very much a HILLBILLY THING WHICH IS: Butt-fucking; anal intercourse; penetrating the rosebud with one's prong. Don’t believe me? GOOGLE IT! We feel confident that AQUA will probably class it up and … OMP, I am NOT READY FOR THIS… not even JIMMY GILLERAN would have a CORNHOLING CONTEST…. GIGGLING A LOT!

MORE IMPORTANTLY…WHEN, WHERE, and WHAT ARE THE PRIZES? Does one bring LUBE or do it in a GREEN WAY (the way I was brought up) with SPIT! Can’t wait for the details!

Fun to meet SURREY’S DAD in town for just a couple of days… we have a PICTURE ON LINE… and you know what? He has better legs that she does…. TEE HEE!

I got confused over WHO is WHO or WHOM… I apologize. The “DOROTHYS” were the FIRST AID CREW and PACELESS CAR DRIVERS for the DRAG RACES… and I thought they were the “RUBBERMAIDS” ….from CHICAGO… can’t keep everything in order anymore. SORRY… ALL ARE FUN… and A DELIGHT!

You know what is very scary? Walking (SLOWLY CAUSE THEY ARE HUNKS) by the KEY LODGE CONSTRUCTION SITE… and gasping at the HUNKS without SHIRTS, TIGHT JEANS and BOOTS… it is gorgeous… but blaring through the site for all to hear is the RADIO with RUSH LIMBAUGH screaming…. shouldn’t there be a rule that only old JUDY GARLAND SONGS should be played while constructing in KEY WEST? Just a THOUGHT…

We are STILL and will continue to COLLECT your OLD PORN… the PORN GARAGE SALE for the XENA FUND will be SAT. MAY 3rd… will accept anything up to and including that day…. Would prefer you get it to PISTOL or ENEMA sooner so we can sort, clean, plan and play it ahead of time…GIGGLE!

POOR “CANDY THE CAT” at the GARDEN BAR is in deep depression…. She missed “JUNIOR” and DAVID ROSE keeps putting CINNAMON on her cat food….JUST NOT RIGHT!

Got crap from the BARRONESS about wearing a “PROVINCETOWN” T-Shirt yesterday… it was CLEAN! Hey, I remember when the BARRONESS owned that “BOAT SLIP BATH HOUSE” with 25 COTTON COUNT BED SHEETS…don’t bitch about my shirt! SMIRK!

DEAN (from HAWAII) is obsessed with pubic shaving and (with enough to drink) “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?”…. Honey, you work for NORTHELTA AIRLINES…. You may want to find a DAY JOB… GIGGLE!

Sorry that JON JON ran his scooter into a CAR and has a BROKEN WRIST with CAST…. Thank GOD the bruise didn’t go further down his BODY… too pretty to mess up!

THE “BED RACES” are this SATURDAY! Another SUPER EVENT! We heard that “MARCEL and MILAN” … BOURBON STREET COMPLEX HUNKS/ BARTENDERS will be the engines behind the BSP BED… OH, in so many ways…Can’t wait!

Have to love HONESTY (even if it comes from the BARRONESS with SCOTCH) when he tells MARCEL that his wears so many GOLD BRACELETS he looks like a boy with a drug habit…HE DOESN’T, but it was FUNNY!

Survived PISTOL’S birthday---just barely. SURREY went out of her way to make it special----even getting GATOR out of bed to help decorate.

Thanks HULA BOYS for the T-shirts and macadamia nuts. Ate Pistol’s macadamia nuts and hoarding mine.

JUNIOR got a sunburn when he was out on the water----looks just like a little cherry tomato.

DAVID ROSE you are in deep shit. On your birthday you went home and left your friends waiting for you? Tacky, my boy.

Finally found out how FF SAMMY won that $50 dollar bet, but it was so awful that even I, with my journalistic standards, can not write about it. Hey DAVID, want some cinnamon?

BIG DICK DELL won COCK SHOCK Friday night amongst some stiff competition. Also knew that “thing” would get official notoriety.

The DRAG RACES were again a great event----one that is unique to Key West. Can not add any more kudos to BOURBON STREET and 801 for making this event happen than PISTOL has made. It takes a lot of energy and money to put something like this on, and the event helps the whole street. These events need all of our support. Again, thanks for a great day.

A special thanks to the contestants in the DRAG RACES. You all were fantastic. Also thanks to DANCERS LEE and JAKE for you efforts and humor. Just too much fun.

On Sunday and Monday the Drag Races got national publicity on both CNN and MSNBC. Still being run Tuesday morning.

Today is CHARLIE BURWELL'S birthday. Happy Birthday Charlie

The HULA BOYS are just a hoot----as are their assorted friends from all over. Great group. LAUNDRY STEVE barbecued for them and it was heaven. Best chicken I have ever had.

Get criticized for always talking about PORSCHE and RANDY THOMPSON, but they are just so good. Both just get better and better.PORSCHE’S last weekend is the one coming up----her finale is Monday night. What a night that will be, DUELING BARTENDERS at AQUA early, followed by the PORSCHE FINALE.

Two guys visiting from Dallas, JACOB and TONY, have so fallen in love with this place that they are going back and packing up and returning. Not the first time I have heard that. Many of us visited here---fell in love with it and came back permanently.

Reminder that FLAMINGO’Sis closed this week and will Re-open Saturday, April 26.

Loved seeing the NAKED CONCIERGE and RODNEYover the weekend. Do wish they would just pack up and move here. The NAKED CONCIERGE tried to get me to go to MONKEY APPLE ART and I had to refuse. It is my favorite gallery and do not dare enter its doors until I get my tax return. He fell in love with it.

QUOTE: DAVID ROSE: “I worked the porno bar so I could get off early.” With normal people we would know how to interrupt that, but we are dealing with David and not so sure.

QUOTE: PISTOL to THE BARONESS on the fact she is wearing a hat: “You look like Harry Truman in heat.”

The KEY WEST POLICE did a fantastic job during the Drag Races. A friend, who is a cop from New Jersey, was more than impressed.

REGGIE has his Birthday today. He will be working as the host at Mango’s. Stop by and wish him a good one.

PISTOL gave DAVID ROSE a bleated Birthday gift. It is a bunch of cinnamon. Of course, he tries to get others to eat a spoon full. Doesn’t seem much of a problem, except for David.

QUOTE: THE BARONESS: “I can not get mine up.” Oh the problems of age.

DUELING BARTENDERS was a little less crowded yesterday because of Taste of Key West, but RANDY THOMPSON was as good as ever. What a talent----could listen to him every day.

And the PARTIERS continue… as do the PARTIES… have to love this island. The HULA BOYS and FRIENDS went over the top…. And what a JOY.. sorry we missed the BARBECUE at ENEMA’S … hear that JIM and STEVE did a NUMBER.… simply had to sleep off the early morning experience….

FUN to meet KARL (LATEDA person) and STACY (The POKER QUEEN) last night at the PORSCHE SHOW… as ENEMA and I were nursing a HANGOVER… well, actually starting a NEW DAY! TEE HEE… Stacy says she starts her day with her HOROSCOPE and the goes DIRECTLY to PISTOL AND ENEMA…GOOD GIRL… gotta love that attitude… GIGGLE!

Since I can’t swallow FOOD ..much I missed LUNCH at the “AZUR” with the NAKED CONCIERGE… but he went on and one about their FOOD! Anxious to be able to try to eat soon and do that… right now, even SCOTCH has its challenges… can you believe it? DR., DR., WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? SMILE and GRIMACE all at the same time!

WOW WOW WOW… the NEW COCKTAIL STORE… next to “TOWELS OF KEY WEST” will be OPEN TOMORROW …. Kent and Stan are doing a number.. will try to get more pictures tomorrow.. but you know if “THEY” do it … it will be with CLASS and from what we saw? IT IS!

Never knew until yesterday that 4/20 met something other than a DATE… have never been a doper… HOWEVER.. we wish a belated to STACE and BAD DADDY for a birthday on a date that is supposed to be something WONDERFUL? Hey, I am a little slow!

Our best friend in the WORLD (DAVID) the NAKED CONCIERGE had his VIRGINAL EXPERIENCE with “PORSCHE” last night and was more than PLUSED!!!! Well, we thought “BO” was there with the VOLUME CONTROL at the beginning.. but it got better. He (Naked Concierge) used to give me shit about too many PICTURES and too MUCH PROMOTION … well, NOW he knows too that it is one of the BEST “FREE” shows on SUNDAY anywhere in SOUTHERN FLORIDA… and it is! ALTHOUGH the beginning drives me CRAZY with LOUD… for a minute I thought that “BO” was in the SOUND BOOTH… GIGGLE!

Do NOT ask about the BOBBSIE TWINS (David Rose and PEE) and what they put in their mouths… thank GOD they are proclaimed as “STRAIGHT”…only “THEY” could be so GROSS… but we are taking a LARGE CONTAINER of CINNAMON to DAVID… ask if you want to be GROSSED OUT… and avoid both of them if you don’t… TEE HEE!

Okay… I know that AMY WHINEHOUSE is WHINEHOUSE not WHITEHOUSE…ENOUGH ALREADY…. it was supposed to be a FUNNY TAKE from KEY WEST… JESUS, some of you get so TESTY! Get a job at the WILTON! SMIRK!

Speaking of SICK listened to the interview YESTERDAY morning with JOHN MCBANE.. that was a joke… hang in there…I tossed my early morning cookies and a full cup of COFFEE… We are in for a BAD FUTURE FOLKS.. if BILL’S WIFE and BAHAMA MAMA don’t kill one another before NOVEMBER… we are thinking a LARGE “CONTINENTAL CONVERTIBLE” in DALLAS for the TWO OF THEM would be in order… KNOLL KNOLL KNOLL! Am not going to go to REHAB…

Sorry, I just can’t take ANY of them SERIOUSLY… am thinking the POPE should come back in PURPLE SHOES and TAKE OVER THE WORLD… at least he made some SENSE!

SO SO SO PROUD of GASSY and the GROUP for the SHOW THURSDAY NIGHT… they raised over $1750.00 for the GLCC… their selected CHARITY… Hey, it was THEIR CHOICE… and a SUPERIOR EFFORT…thanks to GASSY and all those that made a SPECTACULAR SHOW!

Was supposed to join the NAKED CONCIERGE at the AZUR for LUNCH… and was not well enough.. I am so so sorry.. he could not quit going ON and ON about the FOOD and MODERATE PRICES… "I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice" YEAH, we need that … will have to try it soon.. have heard nothing but great reviews

This PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN and effort is taking longer than a DRAG SHOW at 801 or a GASSY WINDS PRODUCTION… when is it over? SMILE!

We are still attempting to determine “AFFORDABLE HOUSING”…am guessing that “THOSE IN THE KNOW” … ie. COLEMAN and the COMMISSIONERS think it is $1500 a month for a one bedroom / one bath build by the local developer (which of course will not do that without a PROFIT) and the 1% new TAX will cover the coffers of the DEVELOPERS… HELLO? Affordable for a person in the SERVICE industry would be more like $500 a month --- shared with several --- and just a place to lay your head… is this CITY and COUNTY totally CORRUPT or am I not talking to the RIGHT PEOPLE??? …Those that are in the SERVICE INDUSTRY… but then again listen to MCBANE… he thinks the ECONOMY is something he should study and has NO CLUE! OFF MY BOX!

ENEMA (who writes seldom) says I can’t use the one about BDD getting the COCKSHOCKS AWARD…so I won’t … give him a tease and let him go… GIGGLE!

Fun to see PEGGY BUTLER out and about at the PORSCHE SHOW… Hope all is well.. We don’t ask.. love her to death, but a real example of “DON’T ASK… and she will tell you anyway!”

The HULA boys are on a ROLL… and roll and roll and roll.. but they are fun and so are all their friends… am thinking somebody “PINCHED” the PINEAPPLE early in the day! SMIRK!

The NAKED CONCIERGE finally met MICHAEL AND SUSAN a the “MONKEY APPLE ART FACTORY”… and like us all… FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM AND THE PLACE!… Look for some NEW PROMOTIONS… one of our very favorite places in KEY WEST… do see their WEB SITE.. and better yet, stop in and tell them you heard about them from PISTOL AND ENEMA…

April 28 …next MONDAY is the FINALE SHOW for the SEASON for PORSCHE and CHUCK has lined up a BIG SHOW…yes, it will be long.. but get used to it…most queens are SIZE AND LENGTH QUEENS …which means more is better… DISCUSS!

Last night we all filled up an ASH TRAY for our “JEW RHETT” in honor of PASSOVER and so on … and yelled at MARKY MARK for a DRINK … it was like OLD TIMES! GIGGLE!

Understand the “OLD DAYS” were ALMOST back SUNDAY that the TEE DANCE at LA TEE DAH… even had some great BROWNIES and memories of LARRY FORMICA…(THEY WILL NEVER TOP HIS LINES) … The POPE should have showed up…. he so used to “WHITE SMOKE” from his CHIMNEY …. but it was fun… sorry we missed that part… but understand that that group is way over and above the normal run-of-the-mill KEY WESTER….which is GOOD! They can afford it! BLINK!

There needs to be a GAY YACHT CLUB! And we kind of have it….without BOATS… TEE HEE and a little SMIRK!

DAVID ROSE ( we are so over him) said he “GOT OFF EARLY” … well, if you put peanut butter on your nuts and lived with PEE and VULTRON…you would get off early too….UMMMMMM

Loved the line about BOBBY (Bobby’s Monkey Bar) and his MAKEUP for the DRAG RACES… don’t know who said it, but loved it… “You can paint a brick but it still a brick!” LOVE YOU, MEAN IT!

Don’t think you can have more fun on a SATURDAY afternoon for FREE than being here in KEY WEST for the DRAG RACES….it is superabundant … and more fun than one should have. Thanks to the BOURBON STREET COMPLEX and 801 for taking charge again … along with the expenses involved… to close the street, create an event and mark the spot to have a great time! We hear that the GUILD actually kicked in a little this year, but anxious to hear who else helped in bringing off one of our favorite events! SO FAR…. It was the COMPLEX and 801… as usual!

Am sure there will be many pictures on “PISTOL AND ENEMA”… copy, enjoy and share for FREE! We don’t charge for ANYTHING you read or see… ENJOY!

There is much to share, will miss some we are sure, however the HIGHLIGHT (Prior to Bo’s ARREST) was the SHITTY SOUND SYSTEM…sorry, but he says he is the BEST cause he “HAS BEEN DOING THIS FOR 30 YEARS!” ….and then started CRACKING UP THE SPEAKERS? News was he was ARRESTED and RELEASED… kind of like “CATCH AND RELEASE” with GROUPER? Honey, they were 30 BAD YEARS… there was more feedback and bad acoustics than the inside of a gorilla with gas… for a few minutes we thought CHUCK was back from two years ago… but since he got rid of “BO” in the sound booth? NO PROBLEMS… Hate to put someone down, but it was BAD… and with an ATTITUDE… always dislike to have someone get arrested, but hear the applause from the audience was the only thing that DIDN’T FEED BACK!

Thanks to ANDY and the crew at the COMPLEX, ENEMA and PISTOL had so much fun being judges…. And of course we enjoyed the drinks as well… plus we got FREE HAMBURGERS from “GASSY in THE STREET” with her barbecue grill to go… that was FUN…owe you one HONEY!

We had ordered on THURSDAY from RALPHIE for a HOT DOG today… still not there…SMILE!

Disappointed that “PENNY-CILLUN” (Laundry Steve) was not a contestant this year…. However we heard he was going to lay down on the street and be an additional HURDLE for the contestants… that would have been funny!

OH, the winners? I am not positive…and we were judges…..yes, it got a little BLURRY…HOWEVER we believed it was # 1 MICHAEL KINKLE “BRASS KNUCKLE” (of BUDDY and MICHAEL --- LEATHERMASTER) and runner up was “MISS WHITNEY” MARKY MARK (Bourbon Street Complex. We do know that MISS WHITNEY was the winner of the best “SUICIDE LIP SYNC” … Who is also running for QUEEN MOTHER)… TIPSY (SEAN) at the COMPLEX was 2nd RUNNER UP…it looked like Bobby was in last place… just because… GIGGLE!

The AMAZING part of the whole event was having two DEAF CONTESTANTS… TAFFY and MICHAEL… and the CROWD waving HANDS in TRIBUTE for their WORK besides CLAPPING OUT LOUD! … They were BOTH FABULOUS… in so many ways… WOW!

What a treat to WELCOME FOLKS to town… especially the “RUBBERMAIDS” from CHICAGO and thanks for driving the “PACE LESS” CAR for the RACES with DELIGHTFUL OUTFITS…

Also a delight to see the one and only RODNEY (Angie Baby) and DAVID (Naked Concierge) here scoping things out… you talk about ROVING EYES.. Dreamin’ and Droolin’… YEAH!

We may be having a LYNCHING PARTY for HENRY (Bourbon Street Bar Back STAR) this week as he found GAYTOR’S TRUMPET… and returned it to him…HELLO, INS? GIGGLE!

P.S. The TRUMPET WITH GAYTOR ATTACHED has been 86ed from the GARDEN BAR… well, almost ANYWHERE… his volume WITHOUT the TRUMPET is already TOO LOUD!

Thanks so much to CHARLES (Sheriffs Department) for keeping OL’ PISTOL in Pads… plus all of his donations to the DEPENDS FUND! SMILE!

If you find your hand going rapidly over yourself or picked up a really trashy trick? IT IS A FULL MOON AT 6 AM OR so… IT CAN HAPPEN. Which is why I came home early… it was getting TOO WEIRD even for me….SMILE!

SURREY … WE HAVE TO HIGHLIGHT HER NAME OR SHE DOESN’T READ…. tells us she had a supply of VIAGRA? You have got to be kidding… doesn’t make any difference what the subject…. she can OUT-DO you and ONE-UP…. However she had no idea that ENEMA got LAID earlier this week and then could NOT remember WHO “HE” was when the person approached ENEMA yesterday….something about the HOLLAND TUNNEL? Girl, that mind is great thing to lose… LAUGHING A LOT!

“CORY”…who knows if he works someplace but was the most recent SMITTEN KITTEN of CONN. DAVE… and a cutie… went to the DON (NEW ORLEANS HOUSE) and TROY (EQUATOR) HIGH SCHOOL of getting a little TOASTED and THROWING NAPKINS… DON, started it… Oh, these BOYS! (Well, DON Is hardly a BOY, but he was into it too!) SMIRK!

Have to comment about our great BSP dancers “LEE and JAKE” for their Herculean efforts in the DRAG RACES… these are not your regular STRIPPERS… they have personality and are fun! APPLAUSE and THANKS!

Can’t believe it…. so many were so nice to me on my BIRTHDAY.. and so many were truly MEAN… SMILE…THANKS TO ALL …. It was way fun with all the DECORATIONS at the 801 and Garden BAR…. Truly truly TACKY…SMIRK

What is this with the POPEand where did she get those red shoes? THE POPE WEARS PRADA? Wonder if he clicks them together and says: “I WANT TO GO TO ROME, I WANT TO GO TO ROME!”

Did you hear that GEORGE turned to LAURA as they were walking away from the plane and said: “Honey, you better run home and change the place cards for dinner fast….There is no MRS. POPE!” He is just so quick.

Happy Passover to all those that celebrate…what a beautiful sunset and way to begin!

DRAG RACES Today on DUVAL…Always great fun…looking forward to it. ENEMA and I will be judges along with the delightful ANDY from the COMPLEX…. Now, if we can stay sober long enough for the finish?…Not easy duty...SMILE!

Sorry we missed the GLCC Show that GASSY and many put together THURSDAY night…heard nothing but great things about it and the AQUANETTES ON ICE later…. Seems we have something going on all the time here… YEAH!

The RUMOR that “COREY” is dating “JEREMY” is NOT TRUE… but we had a good laugh… CONN. DAVID…you better get back here…KIDDING!

Thanks to our HULA BOYS… DEAN and MARK from HAWAII for great HAWAII SHIRTS and yummy MACADAMIA NUTS… WONDERFUL!

What about this new CLUB ZU? In the old WAX/BLUE whatever…. And the owner says there will be no SEX at the CLUB? BUT, it will be “LIFESTYLE FRIENDLY”….UMMMMM. They will have a DJ and a PRIVATE ROOM for MEMBERS ONLY? This could be a lot a fun and should stir things up a bit!

Heard that the owners of the CASA MARINA area shaking things up a lot …. Letting some employees that have been there for years with benefits, etc go and replacing with CONTRACT PEOPLE? Kind of scary for some, but a “COST CUTTING” tactic we would suppose??? YUCK!

CONCH REPUBLIC Days have kicked off and there are so many events and lots of silliness this next week… one of my favorite times of the year here.

Had a great day with my nephew and his daughter this week… went to BLUE HEAVEN for breakfast… and what a treat it is. They were blown away by the food and ambiance…. As most are… totally KEY WEST UNIQUE!

Don’t forget the 7-MILE BRIDGE will be closed this morning the RUN….from 7 to 9 AM.

We hear that “SUSHI” 801 and “MARKY MARK” Bourbon Complex are two of those that are running for QUEEN MOTHER…. Anyone else? Let us know!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID ROSE…now, can we move on? He is NOT even that good looking… especially for someone that is trying so HARD to come out of the CLOSET and in MAJOR DENIAL! Am so, so tired about hearing about it! GIGGLE….HOWEVER, giggled a lot when we hear that SOMEONE (he can never remember NAMES) brought him a jar of SMOOTH and a JAR of CHUNKY “PEANUT BUTTER” yesterday… am sure it will be USED by VULTRON… and of course, PEE, sorry I met SAMMY! GIGGLE

Don’t even buy DAVID a drink…. by the time you read this he will probably already be TOASTED! SMILE!

New POLL on PISTOL AND ENEMA… do check in… just out of curiosity.

LA TE DA, will host the twenty-fifth Annual Queen Mother Pageant of Key West, Florida© on Monday, May 12, 2008 Benefit for Hospice and V.N.A. of the Florida Keys, and the One Human Family Foundation. Tables with 8 seats are on sale now. $500, $300, $200 higher price closer to the stage. To buy a table call 296-9741…. JT Thompson of Solaris hill…Room is available at the door for $25.00.

I love it when I ask… I get info… well, from some… TEE HEE...THANKS JOHN “MA”… you are the best!

The QUEEN MOTHER goes back twenty-five years, when Chris Bang, then owner of the Pigeon House Patio, (currently Kelly’s on Whitehead Street), began the pageant to elect someone to represent the community at local charity events and benefits. Today the title carries the responsibilities of not only attending local charitable events, but also creating and The Queen Mother Pageant of Key West, Florida© which has raised over $160,795.00 for LOCAL Charities in the last 24 years. A “just for fun” drag pageant, always held the Monday after Mother’s Day, is a very “Gay” event, presented to sold out, standing room only crowds. Drawing everyone from just plain folks to State Representatives …during election YEAR… and local politicians… the same…. it is THE place to be and be seen! For information or to reserve your table for the contest please call John Ma Evans at 305-296-9741.

BUDDY CRANE says he is coming back on MAY 5th.. prepare thyselves…. It could get weird! SMILE

FF SAMMY L (David’s BITCH) called DAVID ROSE (whose birthday is today… am so sick of that…TEE HEE) a “PRUGLY”… a new word… cross between PRETTY and UGLY? .. Or just another PEANUT BUTTER LICKER…

Got word from “JT” (Also his BIRTHDAY today) … that since TAX SEASON is OVER… well, kinda… he is ready to CELEBRATE HIS “BIRTHDAY” today along with NUM NUTS.. or PEANUT BREATH …Save your money to buy him drinks NEXT WEEK … and even “GRANNIE” may appear at the PORSCHE FINALE… YEAH!Queen Mother Events Friday May 9th at 5-7:30 pm “The Royal Tea” at 801 Bourbon Bar. With the formal introduction of this years contestants and a chance to meet and greet Saturday May 10 at a brunch with the former Queen Mothers Call La Te Da @ 296-6706 for info and reservations.

Don’t wear “JACKETS” here very often, but yesterday was a bit on the CHILLY SIDE.. about 62 or something.. and I donned my newest KEY WEST BANK windbreaker, that I won at the last POKER RUN… THANKS… it was just right, I looked… oh, well I looked as COOL as this old fart can look! SMILE!

“BROCK”LEE… as in BROCCOLI? Says that he had a sore throat…something about scrapping his teeth on DAVID ROSE.. I am so OVER DAVID ROSE… SMILE!

Heard the BARRONESS had a bit of a challenge last night… waiting to hear results… hope all is well… we will stay in touch…

TONIGHT is ENEMA’S TIME to write as I have FAMILY in TOWN!

Oh, loved the line from SOMEONE…and I don’t know WHO… that “SAMMY IS MY PIMP, which is WHY I AM POOR!”…Sammy is the little tease the complex ….. has the sense of QUICK HUMOR from WEST VIRGINIA…DULL! SMIRK!

Had someone (I can’t release all names) come up to me and explain in DETAIL why “THEY”thought the MALE JUDGES at AQUA IDOL were “NOT VERY FUNNY OR FUN!”…. I knew that….but was reassured by others…. I was there… but DENISE was delightful… TEE HEE!

“MOTHER” and “MARION the LIBRARIAN” are now AVID READERS from HOUSTON… but you will NEVER know the REAL TRUTH… I get paid off, you know… GIGGLE!

IT is COLD HERE…. Especially for APRIL…may go down in the 60’s…. it was so cold last night that FF SAMMY shrunk another INCH… one more and will be as SHORT as JUNIOR! TEE HEE!

However… we would still like to know how he got a HICKEY on his FOREHEAD… SIDEWAYS… he and DAVID must be using more and more PEANUT BUTTER than even VULTRON can lick? OR, it could be that being a BOTTOM for VULTRON is getting a little WEIRD? GRIN!

AQUA IDOL last night was interesting… I for one “FELT THE LOVE”…. SMILE! NOT NOT NOT!

I think I was asked to leave…at least once… and I WAS SOBER… but not sure… cause there was so much CROSS TALK and JABBERING GOING on I thought I was watching the VIEW or the TODAY SHOW!… SANS TALENT!

GET ON WITH THE SHOW… and the PEOPLE who sing and help WESLEY HOUSE! Who cares if JULIE ANDREWS, the VON TRAMP FAMILY and NEIL all have syphilis or NECCO WAFERS? TEE HEE! PLEASE….

Am not sure about the BRITISH SENSE Of HUMOR sometimes… when TONY says that: “PIZZA IS AN AMERICAN SKIN DISEASE?”… Had to think it over before I even smiled…and NOT sure that I did ??????

Have to say that JODYRAE did a number on EVERYONE with a CALL to her DAUGHTER “AMANDA DODD” on the phone in IRAQ (serving with her HUSBAND DAVID) … lots of tears, great MEANINGFUL SONG… WOW, what a MOMENT… And it was extra SPECIAL that AMANDA used to go to WESLEY HOUSE years ago…A VERY STRONG and TOUCHING MOMENT!

When you can make JB, DENISE and PISTOL all cry… you have it… HAVE NO IDEA IF KONRATH has/ had any feeling at all or not…he is still talking about rounding up CHILDREN and putting them somewhere….SMILE AND WARMTH! I hope!

Of course having JOHNNY LOVE do “CANDY MAN” was a treat… hey, JB asked him to be DIFFERENT… but he wasn’t expecting GENE WILDER doing a ROCK VERSION… LAUGHING A LOT!

Was a very fun “TALENT” night at AQUA… lots of VARIETY…. for a change… HEY, if JOHNNY LOVE does “CANDY MAN?” that is variety!

ELIMINATED was “ALLEN”…sorry don’t even know who he is/ was… a no-show again…

OTIS’S BIRTHDAY is TOMORROW…Basset of JIM and DENNIS… and it is also JT’S BIRTHDAY (assuming he lived through TAX DAY)…. And someone else… oh, it is the OTHER DOG… DAVID ROSE! SMIRK!

Had NO IDEA that JB (GASSY) was now sponsored by “WILD TURKEY” and am so very proud…. I think…. He has a special show tomorrow at the 801… wish I could be there, but have other commitments… sounds like it will be a GAS! GIGGLE!

The AQUANETTES on ICE (Roller Skates) is TOMORROW as well at AQUA… have rely on ENEMA to stay sober enough to cover both… have out of town RELATIVES visiting…. SORRY!

TODAY is the ANNIVERSARY (if you can call it that) of the SHOOTING at VIRGINIA TECH… take a moment to reflect…note our logo on the HOME PAGE!

Love it when friends re-visit paradise…. Mark and Bob (The Rubbermaids) from CHICAGO arrive next week… friends of OMAHA CRAIG (that is your problem, not ours) but we look forward to seeing YOU TWO….SMILE!

We asked what the BITCH SISTERS were up to the other day and we found out! They tell us that there really is no POPE and that they have been working full time to get LA Meyers in Papal Drag…. making him ready for his triumphant entry. Accompanied by DONNIE (from DONNIE’S BAR) OMP! GIGGLE!

I was CORRECT “WIGMORE HALL” is in LONDON… a question raised about a SUPER OPERA PERSON… WOW!

Ran into some super guys yesterday and reminded us of the outrageous “BEAR WEEK” we used to have at the SHORES every AUGUST… wish that could happen again…am not a BEAR or even inclined, but they are some of the best guys to ever visit the island… can’t someone pull that back together? We need some more events for all KINDS OF PEOPLE… not just those that the organizers have an interest in ? Just a THOUGHT!

Does anyone know who is running for QUEEN MOTHER THIS YEAR? Or the details? Haven’t heard a WORD.. and MUM is the WORD? Love some input!

Got word from the NAKED CONCIERGE that GARY NOLAN was playing some archived TAPES the other night at the new DEPOT in FORT LAUDERDALE and some LOCALS were being captured on screen in the NUDE? OH MY… seems that the NOLAN and NOLAN FIRM are back at work at the same place…. YEAH!

Don’t forget we are still COLLECTING “PORNO” for our XENA FUND PORNO GARAGE SALE ….MAY 3rd at the GARDEN BAR! See PISTOL or ENEMA!

For t