Sorry it has been a while since I last posted, but as you > are all aware I am preparing for some medical issues that are soon to be taken care of.

Friday night I did a little celebrating. At work I had found out that I have been nominated for “South Florida Federal Employee of the Year, for Service to my Community for 2009.” I just want to tell you that when you hear an actor say it is an honor just to be nominated, it is true. For me it was an outer body experience. I am now invited to the black tie affair in Miami. Let’s say I will represent Key West VERY POUDLY, for I will be there in my tux with tails, and I am thinking a rainbow tie and cummerbund.

So I started the party at Aqua with Lenore, and then continued it on at Kate’s big Birthday Bash at the Gardens Hotel. And if you missed the party at the Gardens you missed the Key West Burlesque’s impromptu sequinized swimming presentation. It was awesome. Maybe after I take the Titty twirling classes they will let me join in.

On Saturday I did a little impromptu party at Pearl’s Rainbow. They allowed me to turn their All Girl Karaoke into a Fundraiser for Sisterseason. It was a lot of fun and sorry the guys couldn’t come, but us girls had a fabulous time. We had silent auctions donated from VENUS CHARTERS, PEARL’S RAINBOW and AQUA. With fabulous prizes for the raffle from FAIRVILLA MEGASTORE, 801 Bingo friends and TRUMAN ADULT BOOKSTORE. We will just say that I brought my own batteries so all prizes were operational when they left the party. Let’s hope the guest put all their prizes in their carryon luggage. And as part of my continuing fundraiser for Sisterseason. Please make a pledge for my weight lose challenge. I currently have not been working out at Stay Fit. This is not their fault but mine. Once my surgery is taken care of, we (Stay Fit and myself) will be hitting it hard. All in the name of charity. So please make a pledge at www.sisterseason.com or send them an email at sisterseason@aol.com . Thank you for your support. And just to let you know I have lost 20 pounds and have managed to keep it off during my sickness, so wish me luck, because the rest of this > weight is going to go bye bye real soon.

Twenty-five teams of women and girls from across the United States, Canada, Mexico, the Nordic countries and the United Kingdom are to converge on Key West in February for the 19th annual Kelly McGillis Classic International Women’s & Girls’ Flag Football Championship. On Sunday, Feb. 7, through Monday, Feb. 15. Check out the website for more details. www.iwffa.com

Well this ought to be quite the day. Most are geared up for the Super Bowl, and of course the commercials. Parties all up and down Duval.

It has been relatively slow in the last couple of days. People are saving their pennies for Super Sunday.

Lots coming up. Entering the last week for the KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS Contest. TONY and JACOB; and: DANNY and PAULI are scurrying around conducting the last of their individual events. This proceeds for this contest all go to the XENA FUND and THE SISTER SEASON FUND.

On Friday, February 12th, from 6 to 8 a chance to meet all the candidates for KING AND QUEEN of HEARTS event will be held. It will be at GATOR and JIM’S house at 515 Petronia. It costs $20 but there will be food and an open bar.

On Valentines day, February 14th, the winners of the KING AND QUEEN of HEARTS contest will be announced at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR at 8:30.

Tuesday, February 16th , is FAT TUESDAY and the culmination of Mardi Gras. THE BOURBON STREET PUB will be throwing a Pub Crawl followed by a bead throw.

Beginning to hear rumblings about trouble in Paradise. The Business Guild plans PRIDEFEST starting this year. They consulted the Pink Triangle (which was met with much appreciation), but after the events and dates were planned, one business (THE ISLAND HOUSE) did not like it and the list of events got changed to accommodate them. Problem is it creates problems with some of the other events. More on this later----it may not even happen.

Started Saturday afternoon in Garden bar then an evening out with Amanda Lay and the gang! Off to 801 then Aqua to BSP to Kwest back to Aqua then BSP and ended with a nightcap at Kwest for a final taste of the delicious eastern European smorgasbord.

 Helen felt like a ping-pong ball at the national gay games. Think Helen had a brown out! Not like some of us with complete black outs! (Big Daddy of Big Ruby’s)

Do remember being at Denny’s at 3am eating breakfast. Big Daddy was raving about seeing chimpanzees and walking down Duval St. barefooted? Thought he might have joined the motley crew of DSB (Duval St. Bums) He has been known to take naps in the cemetery. Amanda Lay (aka weesa) was such a lady to be with? Until she split her duck tape and her man pussy fell out while getting off the stage at Kwest! Two old straight guys sitting, staring and drooling at the bar thought she had the real thing till they saw ‘Frankie and the twins’ hanging out! Their look was priceless could have been a Visa moment!

Helen had the pleasure of securing the man pussy back! “OMG” fuck the duct tape buy a horse harness! God blessed that boy? mmmmm made Helen moist!!

Helen just got use to her 2 year old phone and Trixie decided to upgrade us to The Droid and the retarded son the Aires. It should have had a warning label “not to be used if you’re under 5 or over 50.” “Do not buy if you have no patience.” If I do not return your call or text sorry!

News crew from Channel 4 New Orleans was in town this week filming fans of the Saints in the southern most city. Due to the language barrier (gatorism) I sent them to Leather Master to speak with Gator, and I know that made his day!

Porsche will be back next week for shows at BSP during Mardi Gras! Saw her on the Wanda Sykes show this week singing Old McDonald and 10 bottles of beer on the shelf! I guess Wanda hasn’t received her stimulus money yet?

Quote of the day! From BSP Marcel (yummy) I talk with a lot of million dollar mouths that have pennies in their pockets!

Well February is upon us. My least favorite month of the year for personal reasons, but I’m sure there are some of you out there that enjoy the month of amore. So to all of you I say… I can’t print that.

Anyway, one thing to look forward to is the end of the month when I will celebrate my 1 year anniversary of sobriety. In some way’s it has gone by so quickly; in others a bit of a struggle. But I am grateful to have had the support of my mom, and my friends and family both back up north and here in Key West to keep an eye on me. BRAD (801) keeps asking me to remind him of the date. Maybe the bar is planning a BIG party for me??? All the free Ginger Ale and Grenadine you can drink!!!

KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS events are still filling the social calendars of one and all (though never heard from any of the candidates so you’re just gonna have to keep your eyes and ears open) for when they’re happening. That reminds me. I ran for QUEEN last year with BUDDY. Boy I must have been drunk.

I offered to stop writing about OMAHA CRAIG if he would just leave already, but NOH won’t give him a refund. So let the torture continue…

Forgot to mention that last week @ DUELING BARTENDERS he did at least get a little tongue action not once, not twice, but THREE times with a local who will soon be “marching in”. Guess is was another tequila sunrise… And of course at the end of the shift, he ended up with CUFF. No Craig, the lesbians don’t want to go out with you either. Later in the week, he asked if he could tell me a story “off the record”. Well since everything these days is MP3’s and iPODs, that’s off the record enough for me. Seems he was having a conversation on his cell phone with one of his NUMEROUS friends from up north when he realized he’d forgotten something in the cottage, so he returned to retrieve it. Just before leaving, he said to his friend, “Oh my god. I can’t find my cell phone? I just had it. Where could I have left it?” Well Nebraskans must have a sense of humor as well (you’d have to to be friends with Craig) and let him go on tearing apart his room for a while before saying, “What are you holding in your hand?”

Hope GENE & JAMES from FT. LADEDA got back home ok after Gene’s little fall down go boom the other night. He was trying to show me and DESIRAY how he’d make such a great drag queen, and in the process of kicking up his right leg went down on his left and SERIOUSLY dislocated his knee. My favorite moment was the paramedics trying to get the stretcher up the stairs. They ended up carrying him down. And the show didn’t miss a beat! Thank you staff. JUNIOR (BSP & AQUA) had his scooter stolen the other night, but luckily it was recovered. He was so desperate to get a new one, he started making a list of BDHH2F (Bar drunks he’d have to f**k) to land him a new set of wheels. Topping the list was OMAHA CRAIG, with THE BARONESS and CASA JIMMY tied for second. Aren’t you lucky the KWPD is so thorough… Sorry Craig.

Next Wednesday the 17th will be the Key West Premiere of AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEENS starring THE 801 GIRLS @ TROPIC CINEMA. I believe it starts @ 7pm, complete with red carpet arrivals.

And speaking of the 801 CABARET… now that there are 14 girls in the cast, it was time for a little pre-spring cleaning. In the mind of >b>SUSHI, that translates to “Let’s gut the entire backstage area and rebuild it with stations for everyone in l8 hours or less.” Let me just give you the basic equation and see if you can figure it out.

14 Drag Queens and a few other helpers + hundreds of dresses, shoes & wigs + lumber + hardware + POWER TOOLS ÷ ONE Bottle of Vodka =

___________. The fact that the only MAJOR MELTDOWN happened at about 5am after 6 hours of work is a true feather in the boa of the cast (not the performer. Although her anger issues were a great help in lieu of a sledgehammer.). Too bad the audience can’t see the final result, but the work did pay off . New lights and backdrops are next. Always something new upstairs at the 801!

Final thought: Paying for cheap labor to do a job 15 times to until they get it right is just as expensive as paying a professional to get the job done right the first time.

Taking a lot of crap about not consistently getting the day, date and year right. Okay most of the time I don’t. But it is close. When we win the Pulitizer we will do better on that stuff.

OMAHA CRAIG: “Think WEESA was not the valedictorian of his Cale Carnegie course.

Speaking of WEESA he got so drunk the other night he could not get his key in the lock and peed in his dress.

OMAHA CRAIG :”No matter how drunk I get in Key West at least I know I won’t pee in my dress.”

Went to BRIAN’S BENEFIT (of CARLOS and BRIAN) the other night. It was unbelievable. Table after table of silent auction stuff, great food, and the place was mobbed. Do not know how many people were there, but it was mobbed. What a great compliment to a great guy. Around $6700 was raised for Brian and Hiati Relief.

A couple of good guys have fallen prey to two, pretty poor hustlers who are taking our friends for all they are worth. It is okay to like younger guys, but do not let it blind you. Neither one has an honorable background and are not ashamed of it----so beware, the strips on these tigers has not changed. What is worse about, no matter what we say to our friends they will not listen.

On Thursday from noon to 8pm JT will be doing free 1040EZ and 1049A tax forms at his place, 320 Truman, upstails. Donations will be accepted for the SISTER SEASON FUND.

Poor OMAHA CRAIG he is getting picked on from all sides----even a dog rejected him Well I am not going to add to his woes. HOWEVER, have you noticed he has about ten stories and he keeps repeating them. It is like a broken record. Ask him about his great uncle if you need something to get to sleep.

The XENA FUND is having two events come up. AQUA is having s SUPER BOWL PARTY AND WATCHING on February 7. The game starts about 7. The Xena Fund is hosting the tailgate from 4 to 6 with raffle tickets, silent auction, etc.

On Friday, February 12th, the Xena Fund will host a meet the candidates for KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS. It is a chance to meet and mingle with the candidates. More on that later.

Good lord MATT HALL (of SALOON ONE is one demented character. God I love him.

If you are having problems building up your self-concept go see SOYBEAN at 8011. She will humiliate you and make you feel like nothing for free.

SCABBY, along with his roommate, ,b>LINDA, is back in town for a couple of days. He sounds and looks good and is gaining weight. Great to see him.

HURLIN HELEN: “I am just a peon.”. JUNIOR: “That is what I have hear, I hear all the KWEST boys say you like to get peed on.”

OMAHA CRAIG went to the pound today looking for a date. Every since Luigi rejected him he is looking for any son of a bitch.

Was SMIDGET in the same Special Education class as DAVID ROSE?

Since last we met…

Well Saturday’s CLOSET BALL @ BOURBON STREET PUB was… interesting. First and foremost, as ENEMA said yesterday, they raised $7,000 and the monies are still being counted. Having been a part of the KING & QUEEN OF FANTASY FEST Campaign last year, I can say that AIDS HELP is a mOst deserving charity and it never ceases to amaze me how people in these trying economic times are still willing to participate and support, and all who attended were treated to a truly entertaining evening. With that said, sometimes it’s more interesting to be “behind” the scenes to witness the “goings on” (and I’m not talking about the transformation of boys to girls by the contestants.) Again, congratulations to VIDAL and thank you to SMYRNA, CHRISTOPHER PETERSON, JOE SCHROEDER, and the staff of BSP. I know there’s something I’m forgetting. What is it???

Well this weekend will pit the Saints against some other NFL team. If you want to know anything about the game, just look for the crazy guy running up and down Duval with the Black and Gold Flag.

Speaking of GATOR, DUELING BARTENDERS on MONDAY @ AQUA was a real treat. When he arrived and got the crowd into a rousing rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In”, RANDY quickly responded with “If you are seen anywhere this weekend with that damn trumpet you will have to have it surgically removed.” Speaking of things we’d like to have surgically removed, OMAHA CRAIG came out of the Cottage Crypt to scope out a date for the evening. Since most of our crowd is locals who won’t get within 10 feet of him, I found this rather odd. But the BEST was when an unsuspecting man seated at the corner of the bar caught his eye. Craig turned to me and said, “That man is mine!” He moseyed over (otherwise known as Craig’s Vodka Cha-Cha) and took a position on the adjacent corner. Just as he was about to make his move, the guy’s boyfriend returned and left Craig having to take up a conversation with someone more his speed… LUIGI (Stephanie from MONKEY APPLE ART)’s poodle. And even HE wouldn’t talk to Craig. Then you had the Evel Kineval of motorized chairs (not sure of his name) who left towards the end and, unlike the LAST time he used AQUA as a parking lot, left without taking out any barstools (or customers for that matter). You can’t make this stuff up kids, trust me.

Things are in full swing for this year’s KING & QUEEN OF HEARTS Campaign benefiting XENA FUND and SISTER SEASON (2 more VERY worthy causes here in Key West). I know DANNY ZAMORA is running, but not sure who else is. Please let me know so I can report accordingly. Keep your eyes open for posters of upcoming events.

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With a bunch of die hard Saints fans watched the game Sunday at the BOURBON STREET GARDEN BAR on the big screen. What a great place tow watch a football game.

The only problem with the experience was that the Saints fans were rather loud ALL GAME LONG. If I hear The Saints Go Marching in one more time I might get ill.

Certainly the best play off game to watch of this season, and maybe for many seasons. It was sloppy play, sloppy officiating with Minnesota giving the game away. However, it was very, very exciting. The Saints fans are still calming down.

The only problem with the Saints winning is there will two more weeks of this Saints Mayhem here.

On Sunday also went to Karaoke at the 801. Where do they find these people. Just when you thought it could not get any worse it did.

Good weekend here. Not extremely crowded, but most places were full. Lots of great visitors.

There are some things that are just too funny. One of them was JUNIOR’S act during Closet Pageant. SMYRNA wanted the show to be very proper. JUNIOR comes out and starts singing about shitting himself and ending it by pulling chocolate pudding out of his pants. The look on SYMRNA”S face was priceless, even if it did show less than total acceptance.CLOSET PAREANT ----they have counted over $7000 and are still counting. Great job SYMRNA.

MARDI GRAS is a couple of weeks off. It is early this year. VALENTINES DAY is on the 14th and FAT TUESDAY is on the 16th.

So my surgery is scheduled for Feb 12th. It will be done up at Mt Sinai in Miami. I have friends up there that will be taking care of me (Thank you Ros and Carol) until I can return home. They will be doing the less invasive procedure with means going up through the vagina into the uterus and then into the fallopian tubes . If they can’t reach all of the “approximately 15” growths/tumors. They will then enter the belly button. I won’t know until I wake up how intensive they will have to go. But for all you men, there will be scooping, scrapping and sandblasting involved. It’s called a hysteroscopy/DNC. So I will be coming out clean as a whistle. I love how the Dr. informed me that I may want to hold off on having sex for a couple of weeks following the re-coop. I DON’T THINK THAT IS GONNA BE A PROBLEM LADY. After what you will be doing, I don’t know if I will ever want anyone or anything put up there ever again!!!

Mark Patterson went with me to my GYN appointment (Thank you Mark), and Ladies I HIGHLY recommend taking him along for any GYN appointment if he is not available take any gay man. To see his reaction to what they told me they were gonna be doing to me was PRICELESS. And nothing can cheer you up after the appointment that going on a shopping spree with a gay man afterwards. I was trying on my Menswear in the Ladies dressing room and he was trying on dresses in the Men’s dressing room. When security came, I left Mark to his on devises. Because a lesbian in tennis shoes can outrun a gay man in heels any day of the week! We never did make it to the cosmetic isle, but that is probably a good thing, because Mark would have had to explain to me what all the products were for, and that would have taken up way too much time. We had places to be and things to buy.

I will be hosting ALL GIRL Karaoke at Pearl’s Patio on Jan 30th as a fundraiser for www.sisterseason.com . So for all you women out there there are gonna be many ways to give and win. We will be having sex toy raffles, silent auctions, and of course Karaoke. And you don’t have to sing to be a winner. Plus as an added bonus, you get to see me make a fool of myself on stage (again).

Also don’t forget the Mr. and Miss Sister season Weight lose challenge is still going on. Brad and I are still losing the weight and there is still time to make a pledge to this great cause. Just go to www.sisterseason.com or send them an email at sisterseason@aol.com and make that pledge. I am not starving myself and letting the GREAT people at Stayfit studios kick my ass for nothing. But I am gonna see it they will do a quick tummy tuck while they are playing around down there anyway. It can’t hurt to ask!!!

The HAITIAN RELIEF SHOW at AQUA Thursday night was extremely successful. There was a great turn out and the place was jammed. For a show put together so quickly, it was very good. All the performers were good, especially GASSY WINDS, MIKE MC CABE, and MARK WATSON. Over $4000 was raised. Great job everyone involved.

Think we need to have a fund raiser for new outfits for RANDY THOMPSON.

POSTAL WENDY got her medical test results back and they were better than could have been.

The weather for the last couple of days has just been perfect. One of the reasons we live here----and watch the Weather Channel and laugh at the rest of the nation.

801 CABARET found out a technique to evacuate immediately. GASSY WINDS taught it to them when she got nude on the stage Tuesday night.

Some events coming up:

Tonight is the CLOSET BALL at BOURBON GARDEN BAR starting at 8 pm. Always fun and it benefits AIDSHelp.

Sunday at 6:30 is the SAINTS GAME at the GARDEN BAR. Many Saints fans will be there0000wild and fun.

Feb. 12 is MARDI GRAS/. More on the events latter.

DAVID ROSE is doing a great job at AQUA as assistant manager -------for medium T-shirts. Large and extra large T-shirts throw him for a loop

DAVID ROSE:”ENEMA I missed you like the clap.

Saw LENORE TROIA at AQIA last night. That woman has talent.

So good to have GARY NOLAN back. He is not only talented, he is also very funny.

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!!! And the weather is HOT, HOT, HOT!!! (Well at least a lot warmer than it has been.) Sorry for my lack of writing this past Wednesday, but as we are all well aware, sometimes we need a vacation from our vacations. Speaking of…

As a little treat for my almost one year of sobriety anniversary, SUSHI invited me to accompany her to Seattle to visit her childhood friend KEVIN for a little shopping, skiing, and some post-NYE R&R (aka schlep & carry and be designated driver). Though I had traveled with Sushi and the girls to Ft. LaTeDa for the Film Festival Showing of AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEENS (which will be being shown @ Tropic Cinema here in KW in Feb. BTW), this was my first solo trip with the boss. People have asked me what it was like. Here’s the best way to sum it up: You know when you decide to buy a cup of coffee and you ask the person you’re with if they want one too and they say no. Then you ask again, and they still say no. So you go and buy the coffee, and when you return the person asks if they can have a taste cause it smells so good and the next thing you know you go to drink your coffee and there’s about 2 swallows left? That’s traveling with Sushi. Mp> My favorite was being on the 6-hour flight to Seattle. I like to do crossword puzzles to pass the time. Every seat back has the same in-flight magazine with the SAME crossword puzzle. Yet instead of her doing her own, it was more fun for her to lean over to me and say, “You know, I think 6 across is…” Truly though, we did have a great time. Saw NINE and AVITAR (in IMAX 3D). Got some gorgeous new shoes @ Nordstrom’s Rack. Went to the Space Needle for lunch. The weather was typical Seattle (rainy and cold), but at least we didn’t see snow till we went skiing. The mountains were gorgeous. And so was our host. KEVIN is one of those people who is not only hot as a guy, but when Sushi “dragged” him and his personal assistant “Butters” up to go out, the man’s ass was like Michelangelo’s David in a tube dress! Why he chose Yooluh Korable as his drag name I’ll never know. I did make it onto skis and did not wrap myself around a tree. Though I was banished to the bunny slope for the entirety of the day, but I was passing the 6 year olds before the day was over. Sushi almost bit the big one on a slope re-named “Death Becomes Her” in her honor. But it was a double diamond…

Had a great show TUESDAY NIGHT @ 801 (though a bit jet lagged) with MA, RV, DESIRAY, GUGI, and this VERY flirty couple from NYC. He was a 9/11 Firefighter down for his birthday with his wife. Though by the way he was making out with GUGI and the wife was gyrating with me & RV… suffice to say a good time was had by all. No wonder Gugi kept wearing that blonde wig all night…

Was awakened around 1am Thursday morning to the very prominent smell of smoke. Since my roommate has an affinity for re-heating pizza in the oven while it’s still in the cardboard box, I was alert rather quickly. Turns out the abandoned building next to the SCRUB CLUB was the actual location of the blaze. I don’t have too many details, except heard that BOB (BSP) got some great video on his phone of the event, as well as the guests of LATEDA standing out on Duval in their PJ’s with their luggage. Heard there may also have been some damage to FRANCO’S DELI, but that info is not confirmed. Also Thursday brought the AQUA BENEFIT for the RED CROSS’S EFFORTS IN HAITI.>/b> Lots of local talent came out to support the cause. Thank you JILL & SANDY for putting it together on such short notice. Would have stayed till the end to get the final total, but the work of the 1st Runner Up to Queen Mother XXVI is never done.

Have always been a strong believer in karma, but even this is a bit spooky. Weds. night I went to bed thinking about how I’m still DESPERATELY single (boo-hoo-hoo) and obviously need some help in that department. I then proceed to have a vivid dream about my deceased grandmother (who I affectionately referred to as GRUMS) holding my hand very strongly, as if giving me support. Today, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my first real boyfriend from 1987, just checking in to catch up. Then I’m performing @ 801 last night, and the owner of the 1st restaurant I waited tables at in NYC (whom I also haven’t seen/heard from in close to 15 years) comes on stage to tip me and says we need to hang out. Then when he returns to his seat, he picks up his drink and toasts, “To Grums!” Freaky, huh?

FINAL NOTE: If someone needs help, don’t put off until tomorrow what needs to have been done yesterday. Someone might not be there tomorrow.

Stay tuned (hopefully tomorrow) for the EXCITING events of SUSHI & MY trip to Seattle and all the news I have to catch up on here in Key West. At least I didn't wrap myself around a tree =)

The WOUNDED WARRIORS rode into town Saturday and as usual were warmly received. Heard the show for them at AQUA was jammed and very good. DEJA performed in drag much to the surprise of many of the former soldiers. At the end of her performance she sat in a wounded soldiers lap and got got goosed by Captain Hook.

GARY NOLAN is back permanently on the island. He is video jockeying at BOURBON STREET PURB on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The way he puts his videos together with the music makes him better than any of the rest. Great guy also.

HAITIAN RELIEF is big here right now. GAY BINGO on Sunday donated their proceeds to it and individuals are jumping in. BRIAN (aka POOPSIE) got back to work after seven weeks off with a pelvis injury to be met by some money from his co-workers. Immediately he donated half of it to Haitian Relief. Do not forget the special AQUANETTER SHOW to benefit Haitian relief held at AQUA Thursday night at 6:30.

GATOR’S beloved dog, CHICO, died over the weekend. He is handling it as well as can be expected.

One of the owners of BIG RUBY’S, DAVID died of blood poisoning contracted in Costa Rica.

The Whale Pod is leaving the island as SYBIL returns to West Virginia today.

It was a slow weekend, but the people who were here were great.

The SAINTS GAME on Sunday will be on at the big screen at the BOURBON GARDEN BAR. Should be loud and fun.

SOYBEAN is setting a new hairstyle. She is ratting her pony tail

KEITH, bartender at 801, spent the night with KIM the other night. We might have to take away his gay card.

BRIAN, bartender at BOBBYS MONKEY BAR HAS QUIT THE 801. You mean they may have a sober bartender now?

JUNIOR served tables Friday night at the KEY WEST BURLESQUE SHOW. His version of what happened is quite different than those who were there. Prefer the others version, Something about serving drinks with a tray and going boom, boom; and putting a fire out in the ashcan in a very unorthodox way.

JUNIOR: “RALPHIE had some babies---a litter of chiahiuas.

Speaking of the KEY WEST BURLESQUE SHOW Friday night at the BOURBON STREET PUB. Have heard nothing but raves However, there was an incident have heard about right at the end that marred it. Seems at the end of the show someone in the cast announced over the PA that the cast was going to AQUA and asked people to come join them. Many did. AQUA was not on their agenda for that night.

Now it is one thing for the cast to quietly slip out to another spot, but to publicly announce it at the bar in which it was held is a tad bit much. BOURBON STREET went to great effort to put it on---let them get some of the post-show revenue. Wonder if you will be invited back next year?

Do not RUSH LIMBAUGH and PAT ROBERTSON make you want to become a Republican? They are sick.

The new restaurant that made that wonderful food at LEATHERMASTER last Wednesday is going to be called IONA’S and is located where the old Martins was on Applerouth. It will be a Hungarian restaurant and I can not wait.

My Life is in a continuous holding pattern. I thought I would get my results back on Friday. But when I called the Dr to find out. There was a mess up in the lab and they ran the WRONG tests. So they are currently in the process of running the correct tests, but don’t know if they have enough biopsy left to do it. So they will call me Monday to let me have my results OR to reschedule the biopsy. And I will make sure they knock me out and tie me to the table. I won’t go easy they WILL have to work for it. (LOL)Don’t worry everyone; I will NOT be going back to Miami by myself. Cuff and Bobbie will be taking me back up, if that is required. But at this point we just DON”T KNOW!!!! Which is driving me more crazy than normal.

I went to the Key West Symphony on Thursday. WOW…. You have to give it to Sabrina Alfonzo and her musicians. They are absolutely fabulous. The Korean drums were awesome. If you have never been, I HIGHLY recommend it. I have to honestly say if Leslie wouldn’t have made me go the first time, I wouldn’t have known what I was missing out on. Now you can’t keep me away. There is something be said about seeing it LIVE that makes you feel it in your soul. They are not only good to listen to…but they are good on the eyes, there is something to be said about talent and beauty going hand and hand.

On Friday night, I stopped in to Aqua to see Lenore Troia, if you ever have never seen her, it is a must. The positive energy that feels the room when she’s performing and the people are dancing. It’s always a great way to start off your weekend and unwind.

Then I headed over to Bourbon to see the KEY WEST BURLESQUE. I don’t know what all I can say about the beautiful men and women involved with this event. The talent on stage is phenomenal; the people behind the scenes know how to put on a show all the way from stage design to lighting. If was funny and entertaining, and just when you think you just saw the BEST number, they brought out someone else that rocked the house. AND BTW KP….you can do nothing but sexy, because that is who you are.

I want thank all my friends (THAT IS ALL OF YOU) who have keep me in their prayers, and sends me positive energy. It is because of you, I have been able to keep my head up and my spirits high. So THANK YOU all. This is why Key West is my home.

And just because I can't work out at Stay Fit while waiting for my results, it doesn't mean they don't ROCK. I will be back on that SPIN bike before you know it. So far I have stayed even with the weightlose for www.sisterseason.com. There is still time to make a pledge. So check it out.

Do not forget the SAINTS game this afternoon. Our viewing sight will be the big screen at the BOURBON STREET [UB> The game starts at 4 pm.

JUNIOR seems to like his birthday present. He is now the proud owner of a seven foot poinsetta made of cheap wood and paint. It is proudly displayed in the BOURBON GARDEN BAR,.

In this cold spell DANCER LEE is complaining of penile shrinkage. Who would like to volunteer to warm it up for hime. No wonder he was on prominent display in the sling at LEATHERMASTER.

It seems PAULIE and EDDIE THE PURSE have paired up. Two nicer guys you will not find. At least you do not have to ask who is the bottom.

LEATHERMASTER put together and hosted the monthly BUSINESS GUILD MIXER. It was the best one I ever went to. The food was excellent and the booze top shelf. The night was cold but the store and sidewalk were jammed. LEATHERMASTER, What a great way to show what DAVE and PAT have done to bring that shop back.

The KEY WEST BURLESQUE had s special show at the BOUTBON STREET last night. Did not get to see it, but have seen it and it is worth it. Saw the rehearsal---it was great. Even might be a better show than last year. The decorations were fabulous.

The Rock is gearing up for Haitian relief, Next Thursday , January 21, night AQUA will be hosting special benefit for Haitian Relief. The show starts at 6:30 pm.

The weather FINALLY turned warmer yesterday. Feels good.

BRIAN (of CARLOS and BRIAN) has a new nickname. It is POOPSIE. Just love it.

TOM SHARP and OMAHA CRAIG<.B> went home together last night. Makes you wonder.

The Smart Ride event here in Key West was very successful due to the dedication of locals who felt the need to do something good on a cold wet Saturday Morning!  Had many locals at NOH to help with the making of 500 sandwiches. Michael>/b> (big daddy) from Big Ruby’s guesthouse added humor to the morning. Lee and all the dancers from BSP, mmm eye candy that made the sandwiches look so yummy!, Gator from P&E and Leather Master knows his meat. Troy>/b> (aka Trixie) from Equator guesthouse added some class. And Nicki dodo and Weesa from BSP two jesters that kept the morning rolling! And then the staging crew with tents, transportation and set up, all from BSP, Joey, Raccoon Randal, Big Bob, David (aka gabby). At the school and park the 801 crew Carney Jim, Desi Ray and Gassy Winds. Clean up crew Jumping Jimmy from NOH. Special thanks to following businesses, “Croissant D France” for the donation of bread! Coca Cola, Leather Master, Mike at Pizza Joe’s, Quiznos and Sysco Foods!   Key West is about making people feel good and from all the comments I heard of the weekend it was just that!

Omaha Craig is back? Ohh yeah! He confided in Hurlin that his license plate on his new Audi reads PED 623! And the 623 rolls over periodically! mmm Trolley-troll Curry I think you have competition? 

Have not seen much of Conn. Dave and his arm candy, I think he’s nervous with Craig in town, that they may have to share diapers?

Heard Dave Rose from Aqua was promoted this week. He is now in charge of all Medium T shirt sales at Aqua? Should be a tough position for him to fit in!

Enema failed in his long deposition (needs more meds) yesterday to report that Gator >/b>has been searching the web for a deal on a hover round! The future sight of Enema in a hover round being pushed by Gator around Petronia St. with a rainbow umbrella over his head? Ooh Déjà vu!

The place to be on Friday nights is Bobby’s Monkey Bar for karaoke! The talented singing staff of BSP with Markey Mark, Weesa, Nicky dodo and the gang entertains the audience with all your favorites!!!

Burlesque show scheduled for 9pm tonight in the Garden Bar. Doors open at 8pm and tickets can be purchased at the door. Stage prop’s arrived yesterday and looks to be a great show as always!

Closet Ball is next Saturday night Jan 23rd, in the Garden Bar. Another show not to be missed. Many locals performing and I hear Weesa may be coming out of her closet? Again?

Quote of the Day

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing!

The Smart Ride event here in Key West was very successful due to the dedication of locals who felt the need to do something good on a cold wet Saturday Morning!  Had many locals at NOH to help with the making of 500 sandwiches. Michael>/b> (big daddy) from Big Ruby’s guesthouse added humor to the morning. Lee and all the dancers from BSP, mmm eye candy that made the sandwiches look so yummy!, Gator from P&E and Leather Master knows his meat. Troy>/b> (aka Trixie) from Equator guesthouse added some class. And Nicki dodo and Weesa from BSP two jesters that kept the morning rolling! And then the staging crew with tents, transportation and set up, all from BSP, Joey, Raccoon Randal, Big Bob, David (aka gabby). At the school and park the 801 crew Carney Jim, Desi Ray and Gassy Winds. Clean up crew Jumping Jimmy from NOH. Special thanks to following businesses, “Croissant D France” for the donation of bread! Coca Cola, Leather Master, Mike at Pizza Joe’s, Quiznos and Sysco Foods!   Key West is about making people feel good and from all the comments I heard of the weekend it was just that!

Omaha Craig is back? Ohh yeah! He confided in Hurlin that his license plate on his new Audi reads PED 623! And the 623 rolls over periodically! mmm Trolley-troll Curry I think you have competition? 

Have not seen much of Conn. Dave and his arm candy, I think he’s nervous with Craig in town, that they may have to share diapers?

Heard Dave Rose from Aqua was promoted this week. He is now in charge of all Medium T shirt sales at Aqua? Should be a tough position for him to fit in!

Enema failed in his long deposition (needs more meds) yesterday to report that Gator >/b>has been searching the web for a deal on a hover round! The future sight of Enema in a hover round being pushed by Gator around Petronia St. with a rainbow umbrella over his head? Ooh Déjà vu!

The place to be on Friday nights is Bobby’s Monkey Bar for karaoke! The talented singing staff of BSP with Markey Mark, Weesa, Nicky dodo and the gang entertains the audience with all your favorites!!!

Burlesque show scheduled for 9pm tonight in the Garden Bar. Doors open at 8pm and tickets can be purchased at the door. Stage prop’s arrived yesterday and looks to be a great show as always!

Closet Ball is next Saturday night Jan 23rd, in the Garden Bar. Another show not to be missed. Many locals performing and I hear Weesa may be coming out of her closet? Again?

Quote of the Day

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing!

Went to the LOWER KEYS MEDUCAK CENTER for re-hab, Was met by a social worker whi must have gotten her degree at a concentration camp whi thought I was a hallucinating lunatic.

The level of care I received varied, but in general was good. The food was okay and the medical assistance excellent. The first couple of days I remember well then fell into a hallucinating fog. Can not tell you really a lot of the next three days. Gave me an idea for a new chapter to my book: “Hallucinating for Fun.”

The one thing I did not like was being tied to a bed and not being able to get any form of exercise. They said it was for our safety. I think it was also a control issue. Did not stand or walk for eight days. When they finally got me up I could not walk or even stand well. Their solution was to stay there, but why would you continue to do the very thing that put you in this condition, so I checked out. Could get around a little the next mornng, by Tuesday had full mobility back, but still ache from lack of muscle use. As yoou caan see I was not valedictorian of my r=habe class.

Would have to say it worked, but in all honesty cannot recommend KWMC for re-hab.

DAVID ROSE’Sbeloved Patriots got killed by the Baltimore Ravens. Lost a bet to MIKE of FLAMINGOS and has to wear a Ravens hat for a week. Stop by and mock him----he deserves that.

OMAHA CRAIG arrived Tuesday. Godd to see him. Stop by and talk to him before you want to go to bed and you will sleep well.

Saturday at 4pm the SAINTS will be playing. The BOURBON PUB is putting it on their big screen, as well as the smaller ones. We are making it the place to see the Saints. Come join us.

Saturday night is the CLOSET BALL at the BOURBON STREET GARDEN BAR at 8 pm. Always a fun night.

Also this Saturday night is the Kick Off for the King and Queen of Hearts. It raises money for the XENA FUND. It will be at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR beginning at 8 pm.

BRIAN and BILLY you were bad, bad boys----and at best no better than mediocre.

It is supposed to be warming up, but does not seem like it. Really supposed to happen today.

The WEST VIRGINA BOYS and SYBIL got here Sunday. Away we go.

,center>LOVE THIS ISLE OF BONES

Helloooooooooooo

Happy Hump Day!!! Lots to report, so let’s get started.

First off, MUMSIE WINDS has returned home safely to MD, but thinks it’s warmer up there than it is down here. (Side note: Was corrected by a reader (RON from South Dakota) that it’s currently -25 with a wind chill of -40, so we’re still in Paradise.) She had a MARVELOUS time, and even got a special show @ the 801 just before her departure. Seems one of the bartenders thought that just seeing drag upstairs was not enough, so with the help of his boyfriend, provided Mums with a “private” show of the benefits of oral gratification in the VIP room. At the time, he did not remember the incident. But it appears there were SEVERAL witnesses to help him fill in the blanks. Mums’s response? “I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse.” God I love that woman.

Had the pleasure of greeting the returning SMART RIDE riders on Saturday. Me and DESIRAY got dragged up in the cold and the muck, but an hour of face beating could not even BEGIN to compare to the beating these dedicated athletes who braved the cold and the rain to bike the remainder of their journey from Marathon to Key West had to endure. Heard over $400,000 was raised and these people WORKED for it! Unfortunately, there were ,SEVERAL PROMINENT KEY WEST FACES (and you know who you are) that obviously felt it was more important to stay warm under the covers than to take a brief moment out of their day to come down and say thank you. Kudos to ALL the volunteers who did not let Mother Nature stop THEM from showing their support

On the QUEEN MOTHER front, MAMA CRASS>’b> is in need of a hover-round, and RV BEAUMONT needs to find new digs by February 15th. Cats accepted.

As you read the other day, ENEMA has returned from his in-depth-on-location visit reviewing the medical staff and procedures at LKMC. Getting back up to speed slowly but surely, but caught him having a “weak” one @ BSP this afternoon. I know you’re a big boy Jimmy, but just as you had MY mother on speed dial when I returned from my tour of the facilities, she’s on my phone too and can’t WAIT for another excuse to come back

Speaking of back, OMAHA CRAIG is. Enough said.

Which brings me to an unexpected surprise (and welcome excuse to be as far away from afore mentioned person). With my 3rd Year in Key West Anniversary next week and my 1 Year Sobriety Anniversary next month, SUSHI has invited me to join her on a little mini vacation to, of all places, SEATTLE, WA!!! 5 days of shopping, lunch @ the Space Needle, and of course, SKIING. Haven’t been since my high school/college days, but hopefully it’s just like riding a bike. And no, I’m NOT taking the fat suit for extra protection. Just looking forward to sipping Hot Chocolate by a roaring fire in some chalet with a HOT ski instructor.

CONNETICUT DAVE was back in town a few weeks ago with his boyfriend of 8 months, MICHAEL. He’s real nice Dave. How’d you manage to hang on to him for so long? And WHY would you bring him here of all places if you want to keep him? Must have kept him on a short leash. (Or was that what YOU were sporting when I saw you on the way to the ice machine @ LATEDA the other night.)

Forgot JUNIOR’S >/b>Birthday in my last column. You’re old. Congrats.

With the cold came 2 new personas for your’s truly. ARCTIC WINDS was out Sunday. The fat suit is warm, but not THAT warm, especially on the street with that wind. Then Monday @ DUELING, GAS-MASTER G was born. Again more from the need to bundle up in something warm than anything else. And it’s a BITCH to try and sing with a fake grill in your mouth. How do rappers do it? Or do they anyway?

Friday Night upstairs @ 801 was PACKED TO THE ROOF. Great show and we had a special guest in the audience. Seems one of the originators of Woodstock was in town to announce that plans are in the works to do GAYSTOCK in Key West in 2011! With that in September and Fantasy Fest in October, will there be anyone left sober on the planet for 2 months??? And finally, last night was a first at the 801, as the cast was Me, RV, MA, and DESIRAY. Talk about more drag than you could shake a stick at. THE DRAG QUEENS OF COMEDY SHOW is born!

GassyWinds801@aol.com

I am back. Loved it the way it was termed “a much need break.” Folks I went to re-hab-----probably really needed, but no vacation. I will write about my experiences, but not toady. Still too fresh.<{ Want to thank the whole P&E crew for not missing a beat. The NAKED CONCIERGE PHOTO REVIEW is out of this world. TESTIE RESSIE, POSTAL WENDY, HURLIN HELEN and GASSY WINDY ffor writing every day. And a very especial thanks to TESTIE TESSIE for doing the formatting and posting every day. And finally to GATOR for keeping the home front going and being with me every step of the was. Bless you all.

Oh when I brought the taxi home had them drop me off at the 801. GATOR and GASSY caught me before I got int the door and brought me home. I did not want to have a drink, but rather display fom hospital chic outfitl

Baby it is cold outside-----highs in the 50s, Way too cold for us pussies.

Know this cold is due to OMAHA CRAIGS coming tomorrow.

Without talking about re-rehab that is about all I got.

New Year’s Eve celebration in the pink triangle went well except for a few locals that could not hold their own! The crowd was huge and intoxicated! As one local bar owner said “it was just the shot we needed to end such a shitty year!” The 801 owner has a new name “Carney Jim!” I hear next year he might bring the circus and put it on Petronia St.
Tried to recuperate Monday, but Trixie was excited to see Porsche’s held over show! Fabo as usual! And she had another one last night! Girl I think I see a remaking of Cher’s never ending tour! Love her and the excitement she brings!

It was a national little people holiday yesterday “Juniors Birthday.” Keebler gave him the day off so that he could celebrate with his friends the 7 dwarfs! Ooh the little ones crave for so much attention!

Smart Ride this weekend! Big events planned are the luncheon at Bay View Park for the riders at noontime sponsored by Bourbon St .Pub and 801 along with Leather Master, Coca Cola and Sysco Foods! Mid Day Rally at the Aids Memorial! And then a special final show at BSP Garden Bar. Should be another good weekend for the Pink triangle and Guesthouses!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. (Like some bartenders I know?
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Florida may be “The Sunshine State”, but it sure as hell has not been the HOT or even WARM state since ringing in 2010!!! Words like “balmy” and “bikini” have been replaced with “freezing” and “fleece”! And in the immortal words of Robert Preston in VICTOR/VICTORIA: “There’s nothing worse than an old queen with a head cold.” Try a WHOLE ISLAND FULL!!!

With that said, 2010 has not had the fresh, new, optimistic start I had hoped for. Just the same bitter bitching about this, that, and the other thing. Please Mother Nature, lift this curtain of cold and LET THE SUNSHINE IN!!! (Cue music).

Well one bit of HOT news. Sunday Night Early Show @ 801 got a little dash of spice on the audience. KYAN (like the pepper) from QUEER EYE had a front row seat to watch MA, BOA, RAQUEL, and ME. Though he seemed to have eyes more for the latin taquita, he still had a dollar or two for me as I molested him with ONJ’s “Make A Move On Me.” Very pleasant to chat with after the show, though not as tall as I expected. Guess the camera adds inches instead of pounds to the Fab 5.

Was going to do a NEW YEAR’S EVE wrap-up segment, but that would have to be a column in itself as the “holiday cheer” flowed a bit more this year, even for Key West standards, and it would take me a while to remind 80% of this island what (or who) they did. As always, a good time was had by all. Just ask the counselors @ DaPoo, or check out the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office Website.

With that said, the “holiday cheer” has appeared to not stop flowing for some since the shoe dropped. As I approach the 1 year anniversary of my divorce from Wild Turkey, all I want to say is, if I can do it after over 20 years, anyone can. And to those of you who have kept me on the clean and sober path, I am more than happy and ready to return the kindness. It just takes that first step.

Ladies of the ensemblé, adieu.

PS: MUMSIE is here till Friday. As we all can relate, it is GREAT to have family around for the holidays, but once you reach 2 weeks… Any takers???

For the next week or so, Enema will be taking a much needed break. There may be some Gossip from the other writers so check back each day

Sorry about yesterday, but that crap happens.

JAMES (of GATOR and JAMES) had his youngest brother here for a few days. The kid was cute and he was taken by the spirits. The brother went for a swim in our pool and it was cold. Well he is from Colorado and all things are relative. GATOR tried to molest him, but JAMES would not allow it. It was fun.

Went to DUELING BARTENDERS at AQUA Monday night. Good as usual. When GASSY WINDS came dressed as the New Years baby in her fat suit the tourists (most os which were from Ohio) went nuts. Good show.

Getting close to New Years Eve. That is a night I stay home or go to BOBBYYS MONKEY BAR. Too crowded on Duval. GATOR and JAMES will be on the BOURBON STREET PUB so will hear about it from them. Rather watch it at home then be in that throng.

GATOR turned our pool heater on, which is solar, and it hias not been warming the pool. Turns our he turned it on for the night time. As we say here, Poor Gator, that just sort of says it all.

WEESA’S birthday was the other day. It was fun, as he always is. Great cake.

The CNN coverage of Key West was great. Sushi looked great (as always).,p. MIKE and JIM were down from New Jersey as were TIM and SAMANTHA from Fort Myers. Great to see all of them.

Had a real ache in the knee yesterday and took an Oxycoton. Will never do that again, what a buzz, but did not help th ache.

ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO

Helloooooooooooo

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

CHRISTMAS IN THE KEYS was wonderful this year. Despite the little nip in the air, all I saw around me was friends getting to share a relaxing special time both with relatives as well as the group I’m proud to be a part of; ONE HUMAN FAMILY. Sure the economy is not great, but sometimes a handmade card can mean just as much if not more than that iPod sitting in the window at Radio Shack. Maybe it’s because of all the things I’ve experienced this year, but it is true that simple pleasures are the best and can be appreciated 365 days a year.

And if I eat one more of Mums's Christmas cookies, I’m gonna have to join POSTAL WENDY and NO-BUTT BRAD on their work-out regimen.

Which brings us to NEW YEAR'S EVE. Everyone started to think about resolutions? First and foremost on my list is a husband. And putting aside the obvious (Tall, handsome, good kisser, funny, likes to cook and travel, and can “Waltz Me Once Again Round That Dance Floor” in Stetson hat and boots), it would just be nice to meet someone to share my life with, and he with me. Having been doing a little MANHUNT-ing and searching for an Adam4ME, it seems much more about the “thanks for the night, what time’s your flight?” than anything else. I’m reminded of the old MAD TV routine “Lowered Expectaitions”. NO ONE should have to settle to be happy. But with so many men in the world, could those of you who are happily coupled lay off the single one’s for “play dates” and leave a few of them for us? It’s the voices on each side of my head that make me crazy. Mums on the left with, “He will find you when you stop looking for him.” And Marisa Tomei on the right with, “My biological clock is TICKING LIKE THIS!” Is there any hope for a 40 year old fun-loving-hopeless romantic-guy-by-day-drag-queen-by-night with a lot of love to give?

In any case, I hope you all had someone special to ring in 2010 with. To me, that first kiss of the New Year is always the most special. Hope yours is magical.

My sister PORSCHE is back @ BSP all weekend. Showtimes @ 8-ISH.

It was so much fun to be back @ AQUA on Monday for DUELING. Dressed again as the baby new year, but added a thong to my white crotchless Gassy Panties to make it a bit more subtle. OHHHH. And would you believe my MOM almost got lucky?!?!?! This family was in town having just lost the mother of the crew. Father, Son & Daughter (both gay and partnered). Next thing I know, the dad (Jim, which also happens to be the name of my deceased father) and Mumsie are cutting a rug and then I look over and they’re doing Christmas cookies and Pineapple Upside down shots!!! Mums got cold feet toward the end, but if this family (they’re staying in Marathon) sounds familiar to you, PLEASE get them my e-mail address. Stranger things have happened in this town.

Mums and I had our usual day of beauty at HEADLINES. Flower facials and Kurt has brought Mums’s hairstyle into the new millinium. IT'S GREAT. Back next week for highlights. Am sporting another new nail color created by FLOWER: KEY LIME NEON GREEN. It's gonna be all the rage.

Had our radio interview with Mitch (RV and his mom went the other day). Nothing TOO scandelous, but competing with the planes landing @ KWIA was fun.

And finally, I am now back to hosting the 11pm show on Tuesday @ 801 with Desiray, Ma John, Gugi, and Marilyn Daniels as my cast.

More on NEW YEAR'S EVE to come once the confetti settles. Suffice to say, it's fun being the sober one watching all the drunken debauchery and being able to say, "Do you remember..."

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE AN AMAZING 2010!!!

What a weekend, started off with Christmas karaoke at front bar of BSP! Nicky dodo and Markey Mark with Weesa at the bar pull off a great night for all those who were there! Weesa sang Oh Holy night that brought the house down! There wasn’t a dry eye, and then she followed with Ava Maria that stopped traffic on Duval St.

That’s all Helen remembers! Was told we drank the devils juice “Jagermister” and egg nog! Uggg the thought of it? And according to my credit card had fun at Kwest as well? Woke up Christmas morning with a boy on the couch and not knowing how Helen got home? Mmmm Thought maybe Trixie bought me a house boy for Xmas? Not! Kid says it looked like you guys needed help getting home so I thought I would make sure you made it safely? Oh how kind! Had to check to see if my ass was still attached or if the boy took it with him?

Was able to tour the Baroness’s house on Christmas day! What a beautiful home hidden away on Petronia St! obviously built for an old Queen with fruit flies! She recently told me that she wants a quickie with Raccoon Randall? Honey its Randall a quickie is all you’re going to get!

Only in Key West Story

Two guys drop off a box in the garden Bar the other day, and it seems to be part of the remains of “Ed aka Barbie”! They bought 2 shots of vodka; you know the expensive kind “Skoal”! Placed the shots on the box and told the bartender” that this is where Ed would want to be” and left? All that were sitting were shocked and amazed?

The Baroness suggested that we remove the box immediately so that the bartender does not mistake it for margarita salt? She’s not right! Recently diagnose with OTF (old tired fart) syndrome!

Helen thinks that part of Ed’s remains have been sprinkled in the plant beds in the garden bar! When we water we can here the plants asking us “more bitches” in that deep rustic voice! The box will be transferred to White Street Pier and the ashes spread in the ocean as most of us thought was already done? Do miss him and many other characters that have gone to the “top shelf” this year!

New years Celebration is upon us and the town is filling up fast! Think this will be the largest year yet! Pink Triangle will be dropping Sushi with close to 75,000 fans watching, along with millions world wide thanks to CNN, Comcast and the WEB! Showtime is 9pm in front of Bourbon St. Pub and New Orleans House with many local entertainers!

Thank you to BSP Complex for putting such an event on that has filled all the Guesthouses and local Hotels to the max

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Quote of the Day

“Let it snow let it snow let it snow our pockets need the tourist”

Oops I forgot to write yesterday. I may be because it was Christmas and I got too drunk. I am blaming PETER RYDER and JOEY SCHRODER for my condition.

The dinner at PETER”S house on Christmas was excellent. Nice day. Only problem I took an eight pound ham thinking I would have some left over. Wrong.

It is WEESA’S birthday today. He bartends at the Garden Bar from 5 to 10. Hope he does not fall into the pool again.

SOYBEAN does own a hairbrush. Unfortunately she does not use it one her hair, she uses it to beat mens bums. Never knew she was into dominance.

Now on to New Years. Already the town is beginning to fill up. The Red Shoe is hanging from the BOURBON STREET PUB. You can see it on CNN. It is on with Time Sauare.

SAM is coming home today. He did not have triple bypass surgery, but rather a five way one. He is recovering well.

‘ Thank Bobby's Monkey Bar for another successful Christmas trolley tour! Was so much fun! And the spread afterward was just as impressive! This was Helen and Trixie’s first time going and it was well worth the Sunday night out!

After that it was cocktails with friends in Garden Bar! Cold out but the warmth of friends and conversation made it comfortable!

98% of Americans say "Oh Shit" just before hitting the ditch on a slippery road! The other 2% are red necks and they say “Hold my Beer and watch this!"

Pink Triangles 12 days of Christmas 12 dicks for sucking

11 porns are playin

10 lays I'm getting

9 trannies dancing

8 nipples milking

    7 holes for rimming,P.     6 tabs of E

    5 cock rings

    4 butt plugs

    3 dildos

    2 booty bumps

    And a brand new shower buddy

Christmas Karaoke at BSP from 7 pm to 10 pm on Christmas Eve! Hosted by the three wise men ?? (girls) Just Whitney, Weesa and Nicky dodo

Merry Christmas to all!

Well we’re just 2 days away from Christmas, and the question on everyone’s mind is …

“Have I been naughty, or have I been nice?”

Well, this is Key West, so the NAUGHTY factor is usually high. But for me, once you subtract the alcohol factor, my 2009 has been the equivalent of milk toast. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve renewed my MANHUNT account and have now discovered ADAM4ADAM, so I can only hope that Santa will give me something I can shove up/down my chimney.

Want to send a special thank you to GODDESS GALORE for covering me at AQUA for DUELING BARTENDERS while I was away in NYC. I’ll be back next week (December 28th). Randy made the comment, “He’s ready to have me back. He’s tired of working with talent!” So glad I picked him up that rhinestone “#1 BITCH” pin.

As long as she doesn’t get re-routed through po-dunk due to weather, MUMSIE WINDS shall be arriving this evening for her 2 week holiday stay. I will be gracing the stage of the 801, so her “other” son, NO-BUTT BRAD will be picking her up at the airport. What I neglected to mention to him is that he gets her for the first week. With all the homemade Christmas cookies she’s bringing, I foresee a few extra spin classes in his future. But as always, she can’t wait to get here. Now it’s keeping her busy. Have already pawned her off to SUSHI to help with New Year’s Eve dresses for the girls, and we are being interviewed by MITCH for his 1140 AM RADIO show next week. Any last minute wrapping needs? Just drop them off @ the bar.

Speaking of New Year’s, for all of you out-of-towners coming in for the festivities and who follow the 801 COLOR OF THE YEAR, this year, drum roll please, is… KEY LIME GREEN! Saw the beginnings of SUSHI’S shoe-drop dress. As always, one for the FIT Hall Of Fashion Fame. Myself; have opted for a neon crushed velvet with stars from material I recently got in NYC. Spent Monday Night @ the Sushi Sweat-shop putting it together. It never ceases to amaze me how she can create such AMAZING dresses with a pair of pinking shears, a surger, and NO PATTERN.

My first week back was DEATHLY slow here, and the unseasonable cold spell did not help matters much. But happy to say that Monday brought about a little more sun, some warmer temps, and the TRAFFIC coming from the mainland has been steady. We’ve missed you all! Welcome back and let’s PAR-TAY!!! Most of you who have seen me host @ 801 know that at some point during my opening I remind the audience, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But what happens in Key West gets photographed and posted on the internet the next day.” Unfortunately I was without camera the other night, but the story is TOO GOOD not to post.

Monday Night’s late show was hosted by the incomparable COLBY KINKAID. For those of you who have seen her show, you know that she is not one to mince words (Can I get a Hell Yeah?!?!) Anyway, show is winding down, and there’s this one butch straight guy in the audience with some of his friends trying to be all non-phased by the whole drag thing. Colby puts her boot up on the bar in front of him and says, “Lick it, BITCH! This is MY show!” Well he wasn’t going to take that, so he mouthed off a bit to her and the bar staff and made his way downstairs. Nothing unusual, right? Wellllllllll, I go down to the main bar after the show, and MATT HALL comes over from SALOON 1 and tells us about this guy in the cage who is being “taken care of” by a few of his friends. Of course shear journalistic curiosity drove me back to see who, and low (and I mean LOW) and behold, there’s Mr. Butch getting, giving, AND receiving all at the same time, with his head properly posed on top of a stool for balance. I don’t think there was one opening that didn’t have SOMETHING in it. In the words of the immortal bard, “Me thinks the butch man doth protest too much.” If that’s any pre-curser of the weeks to come, 2009 will DEFINITELY be going out with a BANG!!!

Hope all of you have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS with your loved one’s close by. And if you find yourself alone, just head to MANHUNT. Sure I’ll be there once Mums goes to sleep.

Some bad news. Our good friend SAM had a heart attack late Sunday night. He is having triple bypass surgery today in Miami. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.

Not much going on here, with Christmas three days away. We are all getting ready here, but Christmas here is pretty subdued. BOBBYS MONKEY BAR had two trolley cars out last night and all who were on them said what great fun. Seeing it is the holidays, let me take the opportunity to thank all the folks who make this rag work:

DAVID COLLINS (aka THE NAKED CONCIERGE) for all his technical support.

GASSY WINDS for all his columns. Am so proud of you this year.

POSTAL WENDY for her columns. She is one demented girl.

HURLIN HELEN who is relatively new, but has added a lot----like controversy.

TESTIE TESSIE for his columns and support.

GATOR for his pictures and support.

KENNE for his many contribution of great photos. >font color=“green”>

Today has the least amount of sunlight of any day of the year. Can not wait for the sunlight to increase. Also means winter is fooically here.

Last week may have seen the fewest number of visitors in a long, long time. But we still had fun.

Friday was a miserable day weather wise here. Rainy and gloomy. In the morning it poured, then again in the afternoon. Felt like we had more rain than during any tropical storm last year.

Even with the bad weather, a number of locals made it to the Garden Bar on Friday and we had a great time-----led by WEESA who was just crazy.

Again on Saturday the Garden Bar was lots of fun and kind of crazy. BRIAN (of CARLOS and BRIAN was out. Good to see him----he is doing better.

Saw CUFF and BOSTON BOBBY at AQUA. Good to see them. Just love sitting with CUFF and ragging on people

BOSTON BOBBY looked like she had not used a hairbrush in a week. Is she trying to become a lesbian?

DOUG from Michigan has moved down here. He is no longer a Troll. In Michigan someone that lives under the Mackinaw Bridge is called a troll because the live under the bridge.

It got cold here today. At 7am it was 69 and by 3 pm it was 65 and gusty. On days like that you can always tell who is a local and who is a tourist. Locals are dressed in jackets, sweaters, etc. Tourists still just wear T shirts.

The WEST VIRGINIA BOYS sent a bunch of us their Christmas gifts. They were wooden lawn size Christmas decorations. We got a six foot flower blossom Thought it was pretty ugly, but when PETER RYDER showed me his snowman, my blossom was a work of art.

Think it was all West Virginia road kill. We will get even.

Saw RV BEAUMONT the other day. For someone going through chemotherapy he looked and felt good. Still has the rest of the month to go.

This is the time of year that one of my hobbies is to look at the Weather Channel and chuckle about the weather up North. Do not want to tell them how nice our weather is-----I am not that mean.

Think I missed CUFF’Sbirthday. Sorry girl friend.

Have heard only great things about AQUA’S staff party Monday night. Don’t you wonder what JILL and SANDYthink about their staff when they are all assembled together. At least they are fun.

Another friend had to go to a mandatory staff party. Never heard of a mandatory party. That must be a fun place to work.

Saw BRIAN (of CARLOS and BRIAN) the other day. He is getting around on crutches and is in good spirit. Was good to see him.

Think SOYBEAN needs to attend a refresher class at Wendy Warmth Charm School. She puts the capital B in bitch.

The Pet Photo event held at AQUA by the XENA FUNDraised $1300. Everyone in the XENA FUND wants to thank INGA for her support and participation.

JUNIOR is beginning to remind everyone that his birthday is coming up January 6th. At least he is not telling the number of shopping days left.

What I can say is…

THANK GOD IT’S WARM!!! It was so nice to go to sleep in my own bed last night and turn on the AC because I WANTED a bit of a chill in the air and not because all there was in the air up north was chill. Know it is A LOT worse across the country (the word “below” never came into play, at least where degrees were concerned), and never saw snow except for the pictures on the news from New Jersey.

The AQUA CHRISTMAS PARTY Monday night was a great welcome home. Thanks to JILL and SANDY for the lovely Aqua Tote Bag (could have used it to help tote back all the jewels and fabric I bought in NYC), but had enough bags already. Speaking of, next time I fly I’m checking myself in a trunk with air holes and sending my luggage on like a child traveling alone. Will most definitely be cheaper, less hassle, and guaranteed to get there safely. Back to the party. We played GREED (you know, the game where you take a gift and if you don’t like it you can steal from someone else). Well forgot that when you play in a bar setting that 90 percent of the gifts were… booze. Guess who got the 23 piece BBQ set with carrying case. Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean I couldn’t have re-gifted it later. Anyway, BIG BOXING DAY BBQ in the works. Keep your ears open.

Went to my first 801 meeting with the girls since being away. Suffice to say you can’t miss me upstairs this week as I’m working EVERY DAY except Saturday. I wanted to come back and hit the ground running, not dragged up and down Duval Street face first! But since I see that more things have closed since I left and more people have switched jobs or are looking for them, am MORE than happy to be back. Thank you SUSHI for saving my place.

Um, my friend SEAN was mugged outside FAUSTO’S on Fleming the other day by the ATM @ 6pm! Even the homeless in KW are getting ballsier!

Ummm, HULK HOGAN was behind me in his Jeep while I was on my way to the store.

OK, even I’m bored. Anyway, glad to be home and, of course what you all REALLY want to know is…

MUMSIE WINDS will be here, homemade Xmas Cookies in hand, a week from today.

Mb>PS: ENEMA. For Xmas this year. Perhaps I could get a new photo? Oh wait, I’ve seen HURLIN’ HELEN’S pic. Maybe I’m safer with this one.

BSP new maintenance bitch D.T. (gabby) was eating a banana in front of me! Wow Helen didn’t know whether to suck her thump or eat her big toe! Nice hot eye candy! Spank bank went into overload! Had to call Comcast to Reboot!

Billy (formerly of Bilmar Station) is now stuck here (jobless). B.F ? Brian of Bobby’s Monkey Bar says he can’t afford his “nice” ass! Any takers?

Marky Mark aka Just Whitney had more energy than the energizer bunny Friday! She was jumping and hopping around like she just got lucky! According to a reliable source she is that way in bed too! You can also see her on the third floor balcony only wearing her white boots and white gloves!

BSP was testing a new (old) I.D. machine! Swiped Helen’s card and she is now 8 years younger? Love that machine better than the “magic mirror.” Does more for yourself esteem than Botox!

Had to go to Helen’s favorite place? B.F.A. (Bank Fucking America). Before I left I thought I would call and place an order! 15 minutes later and 22 prompts I finally got a person who laughed and said we do not take special orders over the phone? One hour and 20 minutes later I gave the teller my order. She was out of money! Two tellers in this huge piece of property and 24 customers waiting in line! The teller had to indulge Helen with a lecture on how I should have been there earlier? >[? Hey Mr.C.E.O. Take some bail out money and give us some decent customer service and then maybe we won’t have to bail your asses out!

You could leave your house at 8am have a doctors appointment, go to the post office and stop at B.F.A. and you might make your dinner by 5pm!

Helen’s movie pick of the week: Angels and Demons as good as the book!

Quote of the day

For our safety please douche before you go out!

PS: On Wednesday afternoon AQUA presents SPIKES ON BIKES. From 4 to 7 and a $5.00 suggested donation at the door. They are trying to raise money to be in the Smartride in January to benefit AIDS HELP. It will include tag-team celebrity pedalers, COSTUME/UNIFORM contest and a carb buffet!!!! The are being sponsored by Grafitti, and Tropical Propertiers and of course STAYFIT Studios and many more. Please come by for a great time.

The other night stopped by my booze store for a bottle of vodka. They were out of my brand, and believing that all vodkas taste the same, bought a lesser brand. It turns out to be Wodka Vodka. This is a product of Poland

What I found out is that vodka does taste different. Wodka Vodka proved that to me. It also make me understand why Poland is still a third world country. It was vile. I imagine it is what turpentine tastes like. After I made a drink I took a swallow and accidentally spite it into the pool. Turned the pool a strange color.

The next day tried to give it to the homeless and they would not take it. They knew Wodka Vodka. Did not know they were so discerning. Then put it on top of my garbage can in hopes someone would take it. That did not work so I put it in the tool shed to use as paint remover.

WEESA has been on a roll for a couple of days----he puts a Screech Owl to shame. He and NICK were the BOURBON PUB dancers over the weekend. Not that they are not nice to look at, or can not dance, it just shows how slow this time between Thanksgiving and Christmas can be.

Know the slow times are not good for business, but I enjoy them. Get a chance to really enjoy locals. Once Christmas hits it will pick up-----quick.

Trying to figure out if it is the BOURBON STREET PUB and TEA ROOM. TIM has been hosting tea tasting events in the front bar. All I wonder is going to come in to taste tea when it is a bar.

GASSY WINDS gets home today. Will be good to see her

DUELING BARTENDERS this afternoon. Do not know who RANDY THEOMPSONS’S co-host will be.

You will probably love this column, for it will be short. What a couple of beautiful days in Paradise. The weather is fantastic and there are some, but not many visitors. Everyone has been good---no obnoxious drunk, no scandal, even the rumors gone. JUNIOR is still talking too much, but that is normal. Nothing really to write.

Just one thing, Happy Birthday JOEY SCHROEDER.

Last Tuesday when DAVID ROSE was subbing at BOURBON STREET he saw JOEY SCHROEDER “Guess who is working here again.” JOEY replied, “Good, that means I can fire you again.”

On Sunday the 20th BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR is having its annual trolley ride to see the Christmas lights. The party starts at 6 pm and the trolley leaves at 7. Cost is $20.

Been a very slow week-----well it is that time of year. This is a great time to be here----the weather is great and there are no crowds.

801 is beautifully decorated for Christmas-----thanks to KITTY.

EDDIE the PURSEcame into the 801 yesterday after a night out-----he was a tad bit wound up for 10 am. EDDIE to SOYBEAN “I am not enough of a bitch to work here.” SOYBEAN, “That may be true, but you are a big enough pussy.”

LITTLE BRIAN had his annual glass of water this morning------it was so unnatural to him he kept quite.

Made a bad mistake-----it is not SLICK, but SPIKE I wrote about yesterday.

CURRY is going up north (Chicago and Michigan) for Christmas------our condolences.

Some additional comments on AQUA TURNABOUT Monday night. LAURIE dressed up as a gangster rapper. Only problem is that she did not look any different than she does every other day.

Then DAVID ROSE gets glitter dumped on his head not once, but twice.

Seeing SLICK in a crown did not seem right-----like it is an oxymoron. It was a great event and raised over $2100 for TOYS FOR TOTS.

On Tuesday had a joint staff Christmas party at a yacht club. My all accounts it was a great event, helped a lot by JIMMY GILLERANbringing his boat.

While the staff was at the party DAVID ROSE substituted for PAUL THE RAG at the front bar of the BOURBON. That brought back old memories----more like nightmares.

TIPSY is now back to work and looking pretty good.

DAVID KING is down from Michigan for the week------good to see him.

There are many unsung doers on this island that contribute so much and get very little credit. SMYRNA (aka TERRY) and DEREK are two of those. They seem to be involved in every charity. Thank you guys.

Do you ever have the feeling when you are reading a GASSY WINDS column you are reading something longer than War and Peace.

Do you know what the difference is between TIGER WOODS and SANTA CLAUS? SANTA only uses three Ho’s at a time.

Three good guys are visiting from Iowa-----the gateway to Nebraska. Welcome.

FINALLY got a day off (SUNDAY) and was able to get out and about to see friends from the past and see how much NYC has changed in 2 years. Here are the highlights:

As I mentioned on FB, got a chance to catch the Sunday Mat this past weekend. TERRI WHITE was incredible (as always) and CHEYANNE JACKSON (The Gay Hugh Jackman of Broadway is always easy on the eyes and the ears. The show is not much to brag about as a show (only notable tunes are OLD DEVIL MOON and HOW ARE THINGS IN GLOCCA MORA), but what it does have is heart and a message that is universal. The plot revolves around a bigoted white senator who, by a wish on a pot of gold, is turned black to see how the other half lives. And of course right before the final curtain, the percenium is turned into a giant rainbow and the lead character says, “It’s a whole new world”. EQUALITY NOW was never more important, and now can be seen 8 shows a week. Plus, it’s nice to see a show that doesn’t require dropping chandeliers, flying nannys, or helicopters to be entertaining. If the next BIG thing coming to Broadway is SPIDER MAN – THE MUSICAL with the music of BONO and a $45 million dollar budget, then theatre truly is dead.

Well Key West has the GOLDEN PLUNGERS, but NYC Nightlife can be a bit, shall we say, OUTRAGEOUS. So much that every year they have what they call the Glammy’s to honor those members of the New York Nightlife Community for the work in the bar/club industry. Some are standards (BEST GO-GO BOY, BEST BARTENDER, BEST PARTY) to the not-so-usual (BEST BLOGGER, BEST BREAK-THRU PERFORMANCE) with some twists on the originals (BEST LIP SYNCER, MOST OUTRAGEOUS DRESS, BEST HOST/HOSTESS). My Fire Island sister GUSTY WINDS was nominated for Best Lip Sync, but unfortunately lost to my old NYC roommate SWEETIE. Our very own PORSCHE was nominated for BEST VOCALIST (Of Course), but lost to some twinky boy named Adam Joseph who thanked his manager for helping with the release of his new album. Told ya girl, you gotta get a HIT SINGLE. How about “Wanda’s Psyched!” Having not brought any drag with me (needed the space for WARM clothes), I came to SPLASH as a boy, but made it a point to at least say hello. Well I guess Key West does agree with me and have changed a bit. NOBODY recognized me. And when they finally did, it was, “You’re so thin!” “You’re so tan!” And by the looks of some of those queens, I see where the weight I lost has now been found. We then all headed to STONEWALL for an after-party, and since the word was out that I was in town, all the of FI-ers and reverse snow angels showed up! Greetings to all from CHUCKLES, GREG, and Enema’s new favorite FI bartender, MIKE SALINARI. Two things I did learn from the evening. 1. Kind of like “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” I am curious to know, “Did queens dress like Lady Gaga FIRST and she stole it from us? Or is everyone now just obsessed with her look?” There was one queen there dressed completely in working floodlights with shutters! And 2, the drag queens in NYC ain’t got NOTHING on the queens of Key West, except better access to fabric and shoes.

As always, this is the time of year we make our best efforts to get together with friends and family to remind them how special they are to us not with elaborately wrapped gifts, but with good conversation and kind words. Got the chance to have brunch with my 3 best friends of over 20 years (Bess, Erin, and Dave) and their significant others. Plus the newest addition, Dave and Sara’s adopted daughter Jada. You know the type… the ones you don’t have to see for years at a time, but the minute you sit down together it’s like someone took the pause button off your last conversation? I just wanted to sit down and catch up, but since they couldn’t make it down to KW for my big 40, they insisted on making it a Birthday Part II. They remembered that I had wanted a roast for the event, so out came the papers. Now I was expecting all the embarrassing stories of the past 20 years to give the husbands and wives (and now my new niece) quite the chuckle. Must say I was surprised (and a little embarrassed) to find myself sitting in the middle of a packed midtown restaurant crying your eyes out. Guess what I want to say is, I hope all of you are lucky enough to have friends like that, and if you’re going to be separated from them this holiday, make it a point to drop them a line or give them a call. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve been filled by the REAL spirit of Christmas. Can’t wait to share it with all my new Key West Family soon. See you all on Monday! Oh, anybody want to pick me up at the airport? Flight gets in around 5 (unless SASSY’s to hung over to find my bag.)

  BSP’S favorite staff member "Big V"  (eastern European god) is leaving us for his homeland of Czech Republic. Spank bank is now overloaded. All we will have is his ancestor David to look at! You know the one that stands by the bathroom door in the Garden Bar all day!

   Crazy Kenny was in with his dog Mabel. Seems Mabel has a large pussy! Saw horny B/B Henry looking at her, just what we need more tacos running around!

   Another naked weekend has ended Helen has three words: therapy, delete, and therapy! The local stores sold out of turtle wax, seems that it was popular item for the nudist "Rub it on and make it new again!" Wax on wack off! Rub on wack off!The ass odometers were all over 100,000, that's before they got here!

  Third floor sun deck at BSP was the hopping place this week! One side had 4 beautiful naked boys and the other side had 6 guys from the geriatric ward all over dosed on Viagra! 

   Had dinner at Salsa Loco, mmm food and service was great!   Eye candy wasn't bad either. Thought Helens taste buds might be changing to rice and beans, but after a brief visit to Kwest, I think the cabbage stew is just fine!

Christmas parade over the weekend was great! Helen is confused though? I think I saw 14 Santa’s. One from every ethic background! The one from Bahama village was my favorite, with the Caribbean music and Santa and his ho’s dancing in the street! The Sesame Street float was the crowd’s favorite!

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees?“I don’t want to know the child said”, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”Confused the father asked what was wrong.The boy sobbed “When I was six, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech.At seven I got the “there’s no Tooth Fairy speech”When I was eight you hit me with there’s no Santa speech

IF YOUR GONNA TELL ME THAT GROWN-UPS DON’T REALLY GET LAID,I’LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR !!!!

Quote of the day!

If you wake up some morning and Santa is jacking off over your head its OK, Helen told him that you wanted a white Christmas!

When I talked about the ill LEE the other day it was not DANCER LEE. The LEE I was talking about is in his 70’s, but getting better.

PETER RYDER, the BARONESS has a new favorite TV network. It is the Shady Pines channel. It has endless reruns of GREEN ACRES and JUDY GARLAND movies. By the time they start over he does not remember them.

SOYBEAN is back. Her favorite season is winter up north. Told you there was something wrong with that girl.

Talked to my son up North and he said, “We are having a deep freeze tonight.” When I replied, “Oh it is getting under 68 degrees?” He was not too amused.

BONE ISLAND: BARE IT ALL WEEKEND is over. From the people who like that stuff they thought it was great. I did my best, successfully, to avoid it.

MATT HALL was the named “bottom of the year” by some porn film company in 2007. Knew that boy had talent.

OMAHA CRAIG is arriving for one his annual stays on January 12. So that means we have about a month to have some fun before the “boring” begins.

Yesterday was Pearl Harbor Day. Thank God I did not see any Japanese tourists-----thin it is just rude when I involuntarily yell Hiroshima.

Last night was the AQUA TURNABOUT. It was very good with JUNIOR and TIPSYstealing the show. Do not know what goes on inside TIPSI’S head but it ain’t right and twisted.

I have decided that if I get a new dog I am gonna name it David Rose. Think about it… I wouldn’t have to learn any new phrases because whenever I see him I already have to say. Stop humping my leg David Rose. Don’t pee on the carpet David Rose. Stop It David Rose. NO David Rose. DOWN David Rose. Stop sniffing his ass David Rose. Get your nose out of my crotch David Rose.

I still love my workouts at Stay Fit Studios. It is definitely a love/hate relationship. I just LOVE to HATE them. But what does that say about me that I am enjoying the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis? I also want to remind everyone that I am doing this for the www.sisterseason.com fund. Please! Please! Please! Help Miss B-Rad and myself help them. You can go to the website and pledge per pound or you can just pledge a onetime donation. If you have trouble pledging on the website please just send them an email at sisterseason@aol.com with your pledge. Key West is nothing without the wonderful people who work in our tourist industry. So if they get hurt or sick (at no fault of their own) and they can’t work, so many of them have to leave the island, and then are unable to return. We DON’T want to see that happen.

Mark your calendars. I am hosting the People’s Theater of Key West Christmas Talent show on Saturday Dec 12 at La Te Da in the Crystal room. Doors open at 6 pm to view the silent auction items. Show starts at 7. Also Enema said that Lenore Troia’s Mistletoe Madness is the 10th, but it is actually Monday December 14th at La De Ta in the Crystal room. Show starts at 7:30, and it does benefit GLEE, and not the TV show. Green Living Energy Education (think globally, act locally!). Lenore thought a good way to raise money would be to have everyone make a tree ornament out of recyclable materials, and then sell each one at the show….so run to your recycle bin and see what you have to work with…I can’t wait to see what amazing things people will come up with!! All proceeds from the sale of these ornaments will go directly to GLEE!

Saw DAVID ROSE the other night. Think he was put off because I was nice to him>,p> CUFF and POSTAL WENDY were also there. They both are doing fine. Had a nice little girl chat.

Really looking forward to the TURNABOUT SHOW at AQUA on Monday night. Know who and what many of the acts are. Should be fun.

BOURBON STREET has some beautiful dancers in this weekend, Tonight might be their last night.

Saw LENORE TROIA at AQUA Friday night. She was good as usual, but a little loud. She is having a benefit for GLEE December 10 at La Te Da.

Met the new bartender, BRIAN, for BOBBYS MONKEY BAR the other day. Good guy.

OMAHA CRAIG when are you coming down. We actually miss you.

The usual Sunday activities going on-----poker at AQUA, karaoke at 801 and GAY BINGO at 801. La Te Da is also having their T-Dance.

CUFF has been in contact with LEE who is in the hospital in Miami. He is getting better, out of the coma, and going into physical re-hab.

To those visitors who come here with freat amounts af attitude let me make a suggestion. Stay at home, you will enjoy it more and so will we.

The CHRISTMAS PARADE was again great. What a great event.

ENEMA GONE

Two big events going on at AQUA next week. On Monday is the ANNUAL TURNABOUT SHOW. It is always good. It is at 9 pm right after DUELING BARTENDERS.

On Wednesday you can have your animal get their photo with Santa or Inga. It is a benefit for the XENA FUND. It is from 5:30 to 8:30. It is time to begin thinking if you want to enter the KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS CONTEST. This is a benefit for the SISTER SEASON and XENA FUNDS. Applications are available with WYNN MILLER or BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR.

Been kind of a slow week, but met two good guys from Germany. They do not speak too much English, but can tell they are German because they have worn the same Hawaiian shirts four days in a row and where socks with their sandals.

Wonder if JUNIOR still gets royalities from Mattel Toy Company. He was the inspiration for their Chatty Cathy doll. You know the one where you pull the string and it just endlessly chatters.

How many guys do you know named KITTY? Well if you do send them to the 801. They can get a job as a bartender. They have three of them working there now. So confusing.

We have decided to be nice to DAVID ROSE. It is the week of the mentally challenged.

SOYBEAN gets back today from her trip to Montana. Actually missed her. Just do not tell her I wrote that.

CLAUDE and PAUL are back from South America. PAUL is back at work on his regular shifts. JUNIOR is also back, so BOURBON STREET is back to normal. DAVID ROSE (aka SPARKLES) was due in Tuesday so he will be back on his regular shifts at AQUA. SOYBEAN does not get back until Sunday, but GATOR got back Wednesday. He will have his normal shift on Sunday and is subbing for SOYBEAN on Saturday at 801.

Sad news. TONY MATONI, formerly of the 801, died suddenly of a heart attack. He was not 50 yet.

More sad news. BRIAN (of CARLOS and BRIAN) was riding his bike and got hit by a car. He fractured his pelvis and will be out of work for four to six weeks.p> PETER the BARONESS VON BOATSLIP did not come out the other day. They were serving double jello at SHADY PINES and he did not want to miss any.

Said TIPSY was getting better yesterday. Wrong. He had an allergic reaction and wound up in the hospital. He should get out Wednesday. Of course JUNIOR took Wednedsay off---swear if he taught he would be the drama coach.

Hurricane season is officially over. The traditional burning of the hurricane flag took place on Tuesday. Great season for us-----we needed it.

Saturday is our island CHRISTMAS PARADE. To me it exemplifies what Key West really is-----One Human Family. We have cub scouts, girls scouts, the Tuesday Literary Society and drag queens. Can not get more Key West than that.

Thanksgiving with MUMSIE WINDS in Maryland was a nice break. Aside from getting up to cook Cornish game hens, asparagus, and baked sweet potatoes for the 2 of us on Turkey Day, spent the rest of the time basically…asleep. Nice battery recharge. Now on to NEW YORK. #1, the WEATHER has been so up and down. Hear you all had a bit of “cold” spell down there. I’d cry for you, but my tear ducts are frozen from the arctic breeze off the Hudson with the ever present stench of New Jersey. A long way from bougainvilleas. #2, for a city that never sleeps, why do the streets seem to roll up so early around here now? And you know the itunes age is upon us when there is not ONE record store left in this city!!! Virgin Megastore is gone, Tower Records is gone. Guess I’m gonna have to ask Santa for that IPod this year.

Finally, was so looking forward to seeing a Broadway show while I was here. If the next big thing coming to Broadway is SPIDER MAN – THE MUSICAL with music by BONO, then I’m glad I moved to Key West when I did. Though I do hope to catch TERRI WHITE in FINNIAN’S RAINBOW if I can find the time. And boy has Time’s Square changed. ½ of Broadway now has café tables and chairs (great for midtown traffic) and the same in Herald Square by Macy’s, complete with FREE WI-FI!!! Starbucks carts are not far behind, I’m sure.

First and foremost, what has happened to Shaun (Tipsy)??? Keep seeing postings from Junior on FB, but they don’t say what’s going on? Someone please drop me a line and let me know.

Also, got to hang the other night with some KW/NYC hommies, RHETT THE JEW, GARDEN BAR JOHN-E, and OLLIE. All the same, though John-e is now sporting a Mr. T mohawk which he LOVES. Well he has to wear it around town. And the work-outs are working. He now has visible abs and the butt is growing in nicely. Ollie is…Ollie (BTW: RV – Ollie says as soon as he gets a check, your pay for the porno will be in the mail). And Rhett supposedly has this GORGEOUS new boyfriend named Giovanni, but I have yet to see him. We all went to MUSICAL MONDAY’S @ SPLASH the other night. Doesn’t get any gayer than 100 fags in a bar singing along to AMERICA from West Side Story over a cosmo.

I’m staying with SHAWN & GEORGE M.b>from THE KEYS. They have a lovely duplex in the West Village, but I picked the wrong time to come. They have several holiday guests. I keep getting moved from the downstairs couch to the upstairs guest room. What do I care? I’m never here. And they’re very gracious.

This brings me to the reason I’m here. A CHORUS LINE rehearsals are going quite well. The lighting designer is very cute, gay, and single!!! Once we get through tech, maybe we might actually be able to go out! Also, for all you chicken hawks, the boys in the cast just look AMAZING in their tights. Would have gotten a picture to post, but I’ve only been there 2 days, so I didn’t want to seem too lecherous. Hopefully by next week. It’s great to work with such AMAZINGLY talented kids. And next Tuesday I get to work backstage for a fundraiser they’re having for the school featuring major composer/lyricists of our time performing their own music. Paul Williams will be there. Did you know he wrote the theme to the Love Boat? Wish I could have been there with you all for WORLD AIDS DAY and the TREE OF HOPE. All the kids had on ribbons today, and were talking about prevention during dinner break. Makes me happy that the next generation is growing up educated and accepting rather than ignorant and prejudiced. WHAT I DID FOR LOVE” today. Give it a listen. Hope it touches you as it did me.

Missing you all terribly. Drop me a line and let me know how you all are! GW

Recently my sister sends me a FB note saying the sporting goods store she works for in Northern Indiana has workout pants (Flannel, snap down the legs and Capri’s) on sale for the next week. So I FB her back saying she should get me a pair for Christmas I am planning on being a size ** by then. She precedes to FB me back by asking “what design do you want on your Capri’s?” I then FB her back by saying “Do you even KNOW me???? Have you EVER seen me in a pair of Capri’s???” She then replies with, “I just thought that since you were working out you might want to fem it up with the Capri’s and a matching sports bar.” Now this is all funny on many levels but first off she doesn’t read P&E so she has no clue as to the fem-it-up comment. Second she is 3 years older than me, 5’4”, blonde hair, blue eyes, was the head cheerleader in school who dated the basketball star. AND NOW…. She wants to teach me how to dress like a girl. Like this year hasn’t be traumatizing enough. At 42 you just can’t teach old dyke new tricks.,P. Also I want to say I had Dave Meadors gave me one of the best massages the other day. I never realized how good it would feel to have a gay man rub my ass. But he has some great hands. So if you are in town on vacation and really want to pamper yourself, consider calling Dave’s Massage2go at 305-731-9733 and he will come to you or you can come to him. But it is something to consider while in town.

A co-workers husband was currently in San Juan staying at the Embassy Suites and he meet two women who were talking at the bar about their recent visit to Key West. He chimed up and told them that he lived there. They got around to asking where he and his wife worked. So he told them his wife worked at the Post Office and they quickly asked him “Do you know Postal Wendy?” He said that his wife worked with me and that he did know me. They said that they had seen me in a show and thought I was awesome and hope that I am performing the next time they are in Key West. It just proves that this is such a small world and I want to give a “shout out” to my out of country fans. I hope the next time you are here I can meet you.

Is it just me, but this year is going fast. It is December1st already,

Last weekend was kind of slow, but this one will be busy with the BONE ISLAND: BARE IT ALL WEEKEND. It gets bigger and bigger each time, which means there is more ugly dick to see. Think the motto for nudists here is: “Those that shouldn’t do, and those that should don’t.” Best way to survive is drink heavily.

JUNIOR is back to work-----just when I thought they had called all the elves back to the North Pole. TIPSY is feeling much better and back to work.

The one not getting better is JOEY SCHROEDER. He has been sick for over two weeks.

POSTAL WENDY wrote in her last column: “You are probable getting sick of my writing about losing weight.” The only thing wrong with that sentence is the word “probable.”

Got an e-mail from someone way up north that he thought POSTAL WENDY, HURLIN HELEN and I were crazy, sick---probable both. Had to write back saying we are normal------for Key West.

Weather here for this last week has been perfect-----high 60”s at night, high 70’s during the day.

Did you see PORSCHE on the WANDA SYKES SHOW Saturday night? Do not know who did her hair but I think its PHYLLIS DILLER. Add to that that the TV cameras make PORSCH look bigger than she is. She could have been a balloon in the Macy Day Thanksgiving Parade.

Saw all the food at the LEFT OVER FEAST at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR last Friday. It was the best spread of the week.

Over $4000 was raised by the WRECKERS and GLCC for MISS KITTY’S KITCHEN at MCC CHURCH. great job.

WORLDS AIDS DAY is today. Candle light parade at 5 pm, naming of the names at the AIDS MEMORIAL at 5:30, and the lighting of the Tree of Life at La Te Da at 7pm.

I trust that everyone had a happy and safe Thanksgiving, and that you all didn’t eat and drink too much. I behaved myself and did a double workout before heading off to gorge myself. Thank you Teri and Dar for another wonderful holiday at your home.

BTW everyone needs to ask Dar how to make deviled eggs. She will give everyone a Deviled eggs class 101. They weren’t much to look at but they sure were good.

I know everyone is probable sick of hearing about me and Stay Fit studios but you will constantly be reading about the wonderful people and the great experiences, because this is now a part of my life and it is “ALL GOOD”. Stay Fit is our sponsor for sisterseason weight lose challenge and they have been absolutely fabulous in helping Miss B-Rad and myself, Mistah Sistah in raising money for sisterseason.

In my current spin class the instructor wanted us to get our RPM’s up to 120 and that if we were bouncing in our seats we needed to add resistance. I chimed up and asked “what if my belly is bouncing?” As the entire class is laughing at me, I was informed, no, only if my butt was bouncing. WHEW…. I really didn’t want to add that resistance. But if you want to “watch it wiggle, see it giggle” just come by Stay Fit and do a spin class with me.

I also want to thank the T-shirt factory and Karen for making our workout T-shirts. Karen you are awesome. Thank you for supporting me in yet another cause and Thank you for supporting Sisterseason.

I was also corrected in my “crying to get out of my ticket incident”. That I didn’t cry to get out of my ticket, I cried to get my supervisor (who was driving the car) to get out of his ticket. (The ticket always goes to the driver.) So I do not have to give up my Dyke card, because I was only helping a friend out. WHEW…. Was so glad I could help him. You all know me…. Anything I can do to help a friend.

Have been confused all week. Many of the normal day time bar tenders are gone on holiday. SOYBEAN and GATOR from the 801; PAUL and JUNIOR from the BOURBON STREET; and DAVID ROSE from AQUA. It is not nice to confuse an old man.

Thanksgiving was fun here. Went to LAUNDRY STEVE and JIM’S house for dinner. To watch STEVE prepare the meal you would diagnose him as ADHD. But the meal may have been the best Thanksgiving dinner I have ever had. The turkey, ham and the trimmings were all delicious. Worth getting a sweat watching STEVE bounce around.

The feast they had at the BOURBON STREET PUB was unbelievable.. They had enough food to feed the whole island. Great spread guys.

The outfit’s the staff at BOURBON STREET for the TURNABOUT SHOW were great. WEESA looked like the Lion Queen. RANDALL looked like Randall with a bad wig. SEAN and MILAN were cute drag queens, and DAVID do not aspire to be a drag queens.

The one I did not recognize was NICK. He not only looked good, thus amazingly looked different.

Did not see the show. Fell down the steps of the GARDEN BAR on the way to the show and hit my head. Best place to hurt me, and not harm me, is the head. But they bandaged me up and HENRY took me home. I am fine. Thanks guys.

RV BEAUMONT is taking the next month off. He is getting intensive chemo and will need the rest. Call on any of us if you need something------you have done enough to deserve that.

SCABBY has left for the Orlanda area until at least February.

Apologies to HURLIN HELEN for her column coming out a little screwed up yesterday. The header and first paragraph were missing. Do not know why.

ADAM, the HEBREW HAMMER: “My families claim to fame is that my grandfather fingered ANNE FRANK.”

GATOR is now in Mexico. He was so excited to get to ride in the back of a pickup---he even paid extra for the chickens. When he got there he got a brand new leaf blower.

BILMAR STATION is closing after only being open a couple of months.

HURLIN HELEN is in denial as to how he got that nick name. I was there and it was not as “clean” as he tells the tale.

Sunday WEESA was just crazed behind the bar. He made a screech owl sound like a song bird.

SALOON ONE got a donation of hundreds of porn DVDs. They will have entertainment for at least two months.

The MAD CRAPPER has returned. So far he has been on good behavior.

Reminder that the BOURBON STREET PUB is having a turkey dinner today around five. BOBBYS MONKEY BAR is also having one.

Tonight at the BOURBON STREET PUB is their TURKEY TURNABOUT----know some of the acts-----they sound good. It starts around ten.

DUELING BARTENDERS was really good. Both RANDY THOMPSON and GODDESS were right on.

Man, many thanks to MONKEY APPLE ART for that painting of PISTOL. I will treasure it.

DAVID ROSEbrought his luggage to work at AQUA the day he left to go to Albany. “Someone” dumped a bottle of glitter in it------so DAVID has a new nickname----”Sparkles.”

DAVID ROSE’S mother SUSAN emailed me stating there was glitter all over her house and wanted to send someone the cleaning bill.

Heard nothing but raves about KWEST’S ANNIVERSARY PARTY. Good job guys.

Tomorrow between 6 and 9 is the LIFT OVER FEAST at BOBBY’S The SISTER SEASON will use it as a fund raiser by having special events.

I recently bought the new I-phone and it is soooo addictive. But it is a great conversation starter. You see someone and just ask “so what is your favorite app”. This brings me to our topic of the day. A nice gentleman from Iowa said his fav was one called Sex Facts. So I download it and the very first sex fact that comes up is Klismaphilia. Which is a sexual variation in which the person derives sexual excitement from giving or receiving enemas. This stuff just floors me. That there is enough people out there that does this that they have had to put a name on it. But now we know what Enemas last name is.

The Island is very quiet as we head into the holidays. Was out on Friday night and had David Rose all to myself. Didn’t know what to do with him but at least he was quick to refill my beer since there wasn’t anyone else there.

Also remember if you have nowhere to go on Friday or if you just love Thanksgiving leftovers. It is the Sisterseason’s left over party at Bobby’s Monkey Bar.

I am back to working out at Stay Fit Studios after taking a break due to the crud. It was great to see all those Sadist again. Brad and I are working hard for out Weight Lose Challenge, but we can’t do it without you. Please go to www.sisterseason.com and make a pledge. Or send them an email at sisterseason@aol.com and let them know your pledge amount and if you’re pledging Brad, me or BOTH. Everyone mark your calendars.

I will be hosting the PTKW Christmas Variety Show on Dec 12th at La Te Da. Doors open at 6, show starts at 7. You won’t want to miss this one. Some of the best talent on the Island will be there.

To get even, on my next visit I think I will re-schedule after our Monday night board meetings or AAA (alcohol at Aqua) and then a trip to my favorite ass linking bar

" Kwest "where the boys asses smell like cabbage stew ! and then a midnight brunch at Salsa loco

In the morning Helen's douched ass will feel like the bar stools that Enema sits on all day, wet, squished and stinking!

Interesting article I did read in the medical journal was that 32% of women and 67% of men do not wash their hands after using a public rest room! Who the x#@? surveys this? <-p> Helen's solution would be to put new signs up that simply read

" Wash your hands now or you will be eating it later!”

Did you know a 62 year old Florida man was suing a underwear company for causing his gentilas to become chaffed !He claims the flap of his new underwear rub him like sandpaper while he was on a two week vacation in Hawaii?

When asked by the judge "why did you let it get to that point ",the 385 lb man stated that he could not see his gential area and noted he could not ruin his wife's vacation by asking her to look?

I had the displeasure of sitting at the Garden Bar with Casa Jim on one side and Kenny and little Mabel on the other? My hearing has never been the same since!

I ask several (so call friends) to call me and interupt, but the gang chose to make poor Helen suffer!

Kenny did state he was a good swimmer ! So I told him to swim to Cuba its only 90 miles away. Maybe you'll get there by Christmas!

Casa Jim what can I say; the more he drinks the louder he gets! Then the hands and fingers start flying like he is on the tarmat of Key West Airport, directing a flight comming in!

Then Helen spotted this adorable boy from Washigton DC, mmm he made Helen want to touch herself all over! As the sun was going down he slowly disappeared into the darkness but when he smiled his teeth shine like a guiding light! Qoute of the week:

"I dont remember giving you an invitation to touch me" but will say "I am a grower not a shower!" guoted by the new young handsome Kwest Liqours cashier

"Tim from Tennessee"

Congrats to KWEST on their eighth anniversary.

Lots of people leaving for Thanksgiving. SOYBEAN is off to Montana. She likes the cold and snow. Told you there was something wrong with her. PAULand CLAUDE are in Argentina----we are hoping PAUL does something illegal so they will detain him.

GATOR is off to Mexico. DAVID ROSE and SAMMY are off to Albany-----unless the police intercept them at the airport.

December 1 is WORLD AIDS DAY. There will be a candlelight walk from United and White to the White Street pier where be a reading of the names at the AIDS Memorial. This will all be followed by the lighting of the Tree of Hope at LaTeDa.

Last week was a slow week----it picked up some by the weekend.

BO the DJ was supposed to leave for Austin last week, but he is still here. He also managed to get a DUI Friday night.

In our local paper there was an article about Peruvian bandits who kidnap people and then extract their body fat and sell it. Of course this led to the discussion of whom we should buy a ticket to Lima for. I won the contest and this led to what they could do with me. Cooking with Enema seemed the most popular.

WYNN had his identity stolen---so now we we do not know what to call him.

Rumor that MONKEY APPLE ART will shut down its retail store in January. If true, they will be missed.

Saw POSTAL WENDY and CUFF Friday night. Much fun, but there is something wrong with POSTAL WENDY. We would like to know what happened to her thought processes.

AQUA LAURIE says she has a new drag name. Given that hair always thought her drag name was LAURIE.

Working at a guest house since arriving on the island you see things you cannot imagine or talk about but one thing that intrigues guest and family the most is how do we all get our nick names? Well mine came one drunken Monday night at the board meeting or AAA.. (alcohol at aqua) After leaving Dueling Bartenders the meeting moved to BSP and sitting by the front bathroom was Enema, Old Pistol (what a bitch), Gator and few others, holding court, well we join in and then I went to the bathroom. Mine you I just started at BSP and when I saw the condition that someone left the bathroom it was enough to make you sick. As I came out I told Pistol and Enema that some one died in the bathroom, Pistol being the "Island Bitch" went in after me and came out and told everyone that I was now Hurlin Hellen! And then the "old bitch"died and never retracted the story so that’s how I was born to Key West .

Friends and Family back home wonder why I would live on an Island that’s all coral and filled with such Characters (most of them I don’t even know their real names) like the peanut gallery: Enema, Gator, Pistol, Sushi, Gassy, Eguani,Tipsy, Scabby, Celica,Camry, Tricksie, then we got the munchkins ,Jr,Big Joe, little joe, joe joe,and Munchee followed by the jesters: Laundry Steve, Bad Daddy, Big Daddy, Raccoon Randell,Taffy and Nicky dodo . And my only response is what better place to live "weather is beautiful "and its like re-living the “Wizard of Oz” on an island of mis-fit toys!

The Barreness had a thought the other day it was short lived ! She does remind me of my grandmother "Alva" who lived to the ripe age of 96. All conversations need to be repeated twice and then explain in detail! Yesterday she was having a conversation with Taffy, something you had to witness! The best part of her day is when the home is serving jello with fruit in it. Her last visit to the Doctor went well except he did note she now has fruit flies due to her re-born cherry being rotten!

A new round ofAQUA IDOL began last Tuesday. It is at 6:30 with host RANDY THOMPSON. This round benefit’s the WESLEY HOUSE FAMILY SERVICES.

JUNIOR’S parents are staying at PAUL and CLAUDE’S while they are gone. When they got to the house all the doors were locked so JUNIOR’S mother crawled through the doggie door. Now we know where he gets some of his stranger characteristics.

A cute, new guy named DAVID has moved to the island. Welcome.

Hearing MATT HALL and DAVID ROSE have become new friends. Now there is a scary combination.

Well I screwed up the information I gave yesterday about Thanksgiving. 801 will not be having dinner. They combine with the BOURBON STREET PUB<.B> in their dinner. Also, BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR has a dinner, as well as the left over dinner on Friday.

BONE ISLAND: BARE IT ALL WEEKEND will be yhe first weekend in December.

GATOR>/B>: “Every time I look in the mirror I have to pay. Had to take out a loan.”

We tried to list all the things wrong with SOYBEN, but had to give up====it got too long.

ROLAND, who works at Big Rudy’s is in the hospital. Get better baby.

In the GARDEN BAR yesterday there was a guy with such bad body odor that others moved away from him and you could smell him across the bar.

Tuesday was really a day at the BOURBON PUB. First, MATT HALL comes in during his run. He exhausts me sometimes. He had just gotten some new tattoos and wanted to show them off. He also said he wins another porn star award. We will be just so proud of him if he wins.

Then later TERRIBLE TAMMY from TEXAS comes in. She was on a cruise ship and oh what a personality, with a little loudness to accompany it. She was funny. Then there was her dress----where do tourists find these clothes. Her hat look like a used broom. Hope she enjoyed her afternoon with the gay guys.

PAUL THE RAG and CLAUDE leave today for a ten day trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina. Another hope they may keep PAUL.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Should be a good weekend. The BOURBON PUB is having a dinner around 5, with their Turnabout Show at 10. Always fun. 801 is having a dinner at 2 or 3. BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR traditionally holds a leftover buffet on Friday.

Did you see that photo of RANDY THOMPSON and STEVEN yesterday. They have dyed their hair to match. Now that is true love.

PETER the BARONESS now carries around a note pad. He spends early morning making notes on what he needs to do. Then he spends the rest of the day trying to figure out what he wrote.

TIPSY now has pneumonia. Good show my friend.

SCABBY is not moving to Marathon, but someplace close to Orlando. His last night as a 801 GIRL will be next Monday.

The Monday after Thanksgiving SCABBY is moving to a friends house in Marathon.

PORSCHE had a cute, but short skit on the WANDA SYKES SHOW Saturday night. Boy is that show on the edge and it is funny.

The AKRON BOYS leave today. Hope they have everything, like their shoes. They were fun and we will see them next year.

Whoever repeatedly rang our doorbell Sunday night at 2:15 am----please do not let me find out who you are. That was rude.

BEV, who used to manage GODDARDS ART GALLERY on Duval is back for a visit. She will be returning to the island. Seems the mainland did not agree with her.

Some pet peeves. First, do not interupt conversations and totally change the subject; second, talk about something other than your self, and third, don not try to be the authority or best at everything.

JAILBIRD JEREMY is out and doing well. He is in a drug re-hab program, has a job and just looks better. Keep it up babes.

The M &M guys are in from BUMFUCK, MINNESOTA, Good to see them.

KWEST is closed until tomorrow. They are re-doing their floor. Did the old one just too sticky.

We had a good weekend. There were enough visitors in to make it interesting without being too crowded.

JEFF from New Jersey is in town. He is good friends with the Hula Boys.

I think SOYBEAN gets the material for her clothes from a French whore house. She has one top that even makes Halloween look bad.

Hear CUFF has now come down with the crud. A lot of people who work or hang out at AQUA have gotten sick. Some are blaming DAVID ROSE for spreading the virus. I do not think he is infecting people with the crud, now some other diseases I might agree with----like a number of STDs. However, not sure, since you have had to have sex to get a STD,

JUNIOR to GATOR: “You can shave the scruff off your face, but you can not shave the ugly away.” Poor GATOR took the brunt of it Saturday, but we were all tired and he is just so easy.

The POWER BOAT RACES ended with the finals yesterday. Love that noise, and what beautiful weather. Sunny, lows is the lower 70s and highs around 80.

Have a great set of visitors here this weekend. Almost all are great fun. However, am hearing that CONNECTUIT DAVID and OMAHA CRAIG might be here in January at the same time. That is a no-no. The island can not handle them both at the same time.

Saturday was a perfect day----MICHIGAN STATE won, while MICHIGAN and NOTRE DAME lost.

Just got through Pat Conroy’s book, BEACH MUSIC. Thought it was very good.

Do not forget DUELING BARTENDERS tonight with RANDY THOMPSON. Not sure who the co-host is.

Visitors sometimes ask strange questions, like:

Is this island surrounded by water?”

How many sunsets do you have a day.?

Can you go scuba diving all the way underneath the island?

Do you accept American currency?

A cold front came through yesterday. In the morning it was 68 degrees and mid day only 76 degrees. That is cold for us------out came the sweatshirts and long pants. (We know we are sissies.)

JUNIOR: “I can be butch------as long as I do not walk or talk.”

BONE ISLAND BARE IT ALL WEEKEND for the winter will be December 3 through the 6th. Go to www.NakedKeyWest. Com for more details.

DON (aka HURLING HELEN) was Citizen of the Day in the local newspaper Friday. Said his hobbies were boating and going ot Ft. Zack. We thought they were drinking, hurling, and rimming butt.

You can tell who is working the first shift for the BOURBON STREET PUB. If it is PAUL THE RAGE open on time----if it is anyone else, who knows.

MATT HALL is preparing to run a marathon. Good for him/.

801 DONNIE on Friday: “Do not put me in a bad mood.” The only thing wrong with the statement was the future tense.

Getting more stories on the AKRON BOYS. Seems one passed out on a chaise lounge and slept with his head in a pizza. Not sure that is true, but great story.

The BOURBON STREET PUB is having its TURKEY TURNANABOUT on Thanksgiving evening.

SCABBY needs a place to live on December 1. Just needs a room and a closet.

The last of DANCER LEE’S boys have left. The BOURBON STREETnow has new dancers. One is cute and very nice. The second one looks like he just left the trailer park----on the wrong side of the river. The third one looks like he has escaped from Shady Pines. The DANCER LEE guys will be back for New Years.

BROOKS had on underwear that looked like they had a cartoon character on it. LAUNDRY STEBE like them so much he ran down the street and bought him one. Except on him it looked like he had the whole set of cartoon characters.

MARCEL got married on Tuesday. This one is real.

Wednesday was VETERANS DAY and there was the annual parade. Love this parade. It has vets and mucho Navy and Coast Guard. It is the one time a year we can cheer for those who are very important to this island.

Have had several people telling me about how good BILMAR STATION is.

The BOAT RACES are going. You do not have to see them-----just walk outside and you will hear them.

Went to FLAMINGOS for breakfast. Jus tlove their biscuits and gravy.

PAUL THE RAG had some pictures of JUNIOR that were------well just let me say he can not run for public office.

The guys from AKRON are here for a week. They are fun.

RHUMBAS the restaurant on the 700 block of Duval is getting a real reputation for gay bashing. This is not from patrons, but the staff.

I ran into some readers at Bingo at the 801 on Sunday. They had a few questions for me regarding a previous post. They wanted to know if Anal Bleaching causes de-sensitivity. The answer I have for them and any of you who might be wondering the same thing. All I can say is that NO WHERE in my research did it ever mention that occurring. So I think you are safe but I AM NOT a medical professional, maybe you should ask your physician before having it done. Then they proceeded to ask me if I had ever had it done. The answer to that would be NO WAY IN HELL!!!!

After my incident with the police officer who let me off on my littering ticket by CRYING MY EYES OUT!!! (Who would have known that an old ugly dyke could cry herself out of a ticket, I thought it was only the young pretty girls that could do that.) I received a letter in the mail that I needed to mail my DYKE card into the state if I wanted to keep my license. Without my card I am lost. I asked CUFF if I could borrow her lipstick and proceeded to try to apply it to the wrong set of lips. How was I supposed to know? I am in no way, shape, or form a FEM. And now not being a card carrying member of the Dyke Society I am completely lost. If anyone can help me get my card back it would be much appreciated.

Next week in the Sisterseason Stay Fit Challenge 30 day weigh in. Miss B-Rad and I need your help to make this work. Please go to www.sisterseason.com and make a pledge. Help us help our community. If you can’t make a pledge per pound, please make a onetime donation in ANY amount. It all adds up. Sisterseason is a non-profit organization who helps anyone who works in our tourist industry who has no insurance and is injured or comes down sick, at no fault of their own and helps them pay their bills while they get back on their feet. Without this kind organization, many of our bartenders, waiters, drag queens and hotel staff have to leave the island because they can’t afford to stay if something should happen to them. SO PLEASE be generous and help them out.

I also would be remiss if I didn’t thank everyone at STAY FIT STUDIOS for all their help and pain in helping B-Rad and I lose the weight.

Karen Fishers Memorial is Nov 14th. Her ashes will be put to sea on Venus Charters early in the afternoon followed by a memorial at Pearl’s rainbow at 5pm. (Sorry guys, I am just following Karen’s last wishes).

One last note….Life is in the details, so take the time to appreciate all the little things that happen to you. Once something is gone.... it is those little things that you will miss the most.

Well I know you all are DYING to know what happened on my trip to Ft. Lauderdale with the 801 GIRLS, but we’ll wait on that for a bit. Good things come to those who wait. For the rest of you, scroll down now or flip to the last page…

GODDESS GALORE got a touch of the swine which seems to be going around (or better called the “After FF Flu”), so stepped in to DUELING BARTENDERS yesterday. Nice crowd for a cloudy Monday. And you can teach an old queen new tricks. Next time you’re in, request RANDY do “You Don’t Send Me Flowers”, but remind him he has to do the wig bit.

Today is the FLEMING STREET BLOCK PARTY (@ GRINELL STREET) for MISS D’s benefit for the KWPD HOLIDAY KIDS OF THE KEYS TOY DRIVE. For $10 and a wrapped/unwrapped toy, from 5:30 – 8:30pm, you get OPEN BAR, FOOD, MUSIC, SILENT AUCTION, & ENTERTAINMENT. Yours truly will be pulling out the Holiday tunes a little early as part of the festivities. As always, a great time for a great cause hosted by a great queen.

I received an e-mail from one of our readers who is also a local business owner. Here’s what he had to say. (NOTE: The views expressed in this letter are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the views of P&E.)

Hey JB,

I'm writing to let you know some tidbits about our neighbor Island Joe. In addition to being a well known drunk, wife-beater, and all around asshole, you can add homophobe to the list. Over the past two weeks, beginning at the start of Fantasy Fest, we've been getting repeat visits from code enforcement because our neighbor, Island Joe, has been lodging complaints against us and screaming at the city employees to come after our business. In addition to that, one of our regular customers told us that he was openly describing us as "the faggots next door" to his customers and was making off color jokes about our gay pride flag. I don't know what he said, but it was offensive enough that our regular refused to repeat it.

I thought you could use your pulpit at P&E to let the GLBT community here know that when they're going to his business or buying his coffee they're supporting a local business that doesn't support them. He'll take gay money with one hand then give you finger with the other. Please let people know that he's using the GayTM and the withdrawals have to stop. If they're in need of coffee better to go to Coffee Plantation where GLBT people are always welcomed, by a local business, with open arms. Or Starbucks for that matter, a company that openly gives full domestic partner benefits.

All the best,

Eric (Green Republic)

And now for what you’ve ALL been waiting for…

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING DRAG QUEENS

Left around 11am on Friday. Returned Sunday around 4:15pm. Had fun. TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED ON MY TRIP TO LAUDERDALE:

1. Never consent to being designated driver for drag queens.

2. Make sure you bring bungee leashes or a GPS system when going to large shopping malls or dance clubs.

3. EVERYONE snores, so make sure you bring LOTS of earplugs.

4. Always pack an extra outfit and music. You never know when Desirey will need you to perform.

5. Never play bar darts in heels.

6. Bring ALL your make-up to the mirror when getting ready. If you leave for 10 seconds, you loose your turn.

7. Never put your corset on until you have everything else below the waist in place

. 8. Don’t take the hot guy who picked you up at the club back to the hotel unless you intend on being interrupted. Go to his place.

9. When shopping at a Chinese market or ordering Dim Sum, ALWAYS have SUSHI there.

And last but not least

… 10. It is possible for 4 Drag Queens to co-exist outside of Key West and have a good time.

Oh, and the movie premiere was great too! Photos to come when I figure out how to download them.

HURRICANE IDA has passed us----well off to the west. We got cloudy weather and some winds, but no rain. Say goodbye Ida.

FIRE ISLAND JAMES, who has been working at the BOURBON PUB, has taken a job with CONCH COLORS as an executive assistant and assistant photographer. Good for him.

Gotten word on SEATTLE JOSH. When he got back to Seattle he had an infection, but that is gone now. He is going to go back to school. Miss him, but he made the best decision. He had a bad case of the Keys disease.

Think JAMES and GATOR told me I needed a hearing aid, but did not hear it all,

JOEY SCHROEDER took NICK, JOEY G. and BROOK to Ft. Lauderdale for the weekend. By all accounts they had a great time. Have not herd any of the stories yet.

Watched the Weather Channel yesterday. You would think a level 5 hurricane was headed for the Gulf Coast. Little bit dramatic. Since they have not had a hurricane this season it justifies their employment.

MANAGER BOB was supposed to have his out patient surgery yesterday. Stay home and recuperate-----you certainly have earned the time.

This is Tuesday and I have written five days in a row. Have run dry. It is not that nothing is going on, I just was not there.

Saturday afternoon the BOURBON GARDEN BAR became a sports bar. MANAGER BOB was there with a group of Ohio Staters, all dressed in their red and gray. Of course BRIAN and CARLOS were all decked out for Penn State. Then there was GATOR in all his LSU garb. It was fun.

Say PORSCHE on the WANDA SYKES SHOW HURRICANE IDA is just passing the Yucatan and entering the upper Gulf. There it will meet colder water and different winds. Headed towards the upper Gulf Coast and by the time it hits is expected to be a tropical storm. Looks like it missed us entirely, but we are getting some pretty good winds.

There is a web site, http://kingcaptaintimothy.com that offers the avenue for people to pay tribute to Captain Tim.

Saw a picture of CUFF painting. She certainly is not Micheangelo-----he was cute.

RV is getting operated on again today. Good speed.

SUSHI, SAMANTHA. GUGI and GASSY all went to Ft. Lauderdale this weekend. They are home-----stated they had a wonderful time and GASSY will write about it in his next column.

The BOAT PARADE for the POWER RACES was yesterday. Because of the heavy surf wonder how it is going to go. The Celebration of Life for CATHY GILLERAN was packed yesterday. Lots of people.

WARNING: DAVID ROSE and SAM are going home for a visit together later this month. Watch out Albany.

Reminder of the Celebration of Life gathering today for CATHY GILLERAN today at 4 pm at the SOUTHERNMOST HOUSE.

Am sure I can speak for all that our thoughts and prayers are with JIMMY GILLERAN and the BOYS.

Lots going on today. GAY BINGO at 801 at 5, DRAG QUEEN KARAOKE at 5 at 801, POKER at AQUA at 3, and T-DANCE at LA TE DA at 4.

Been talking to a lot of businesses about FANTASY FEST. Seems the Pink Triangle did as well, if not better, than last year. Same with the gay guest houses. The other hotels, guest houses, and the rest of Duval had a good Fantasy Fest, but maybe not as good as last year.

THE MISS AQUA BOUFFANT CONTEST will be held November 18th at 9 pm. It is a camp drag contest. This smells like TIPSY had something to do with this one.

Every Thursday during Happy Hour there will be the AQUA PINS BOWLING CONTEST. It is Wii bowling and every game winner can put their name in a box and on December 12th the winners will be drawn. There will be some good prizes.

STEVEN: “SOYBEAN you are being a bitch today.” “Why is today different?”

GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT: GATOR: “I am not a scholar.”

Now JUNIOR thinks he has the flu. The dancer, AJ who was taken to the hospital on Friday was out yesterday and looking fine.

Think the male dress of choice for PARROT HEADS is a Hawaiian shirt, plaid shorts, a lei, black shoes and black socks. Not a great fashion statement.

MATT HALL did not know you were a movie star. Now that is good stuff-----if you are really kinky.

There are some things you just can not make up. Listen to this comment, “My grandmother died and I loved her. Every time I think of her I get a hard on.” He then repeated it-----what part of Kentucky mountains are you from?

Pretty quite week----Thursday SCABBY and I were about the only ones out most of the day. That means we have to listen to JUNIOR go on and on (and on).

SOYBEAN got into a little argument over not being politically correct enough. I agree with her------you need to laugh with people, including yourself. Makes life a lot easier. Political correctness drives me nuts sometimes. We need to be able to laugh with each other, not at each other. Some visitors are a little put off by what we say to each other. Listen, we would not say some of those things if we really did not like each other.

Do not forget the WANDA SYKES SHOW with PORSCHE on it. It will be at 11 pm on Fox.

If you are a PARROT HEAD is it mandatory to wear a ridiculous outfit, topped off with a lei? Tried to take some pictures, but the view broke the camera.

Hearing the AQUA ANNIVERSARY PARTY was a great success. Tried to attend, but demon vodka got me first.

AJ, the blond dancer at BOURBON STREET PUB has had the flu this week. Yesterday he came to the GARDEN BAR saying he was feeling much better and proceeds to collapse. EMS was called and they took him to the hospital. JUNIOR tried to give him mouth to mouth, but unforntately found the wrong head.

For the last couple of weeks the weather has been beautiful here. Although there is a tropical storm, Ida, off Central America it is projected to miss us by hundreds of miles. Good time to visit.

We have our island back and this week is quiet. However, Fantasy Fest left us with one more memory----the flu. It is not the swine flu, but it is affecting a lot of people. All the dancers at the BOURBON STREET PUB were down for a couple of days and TIPSY from AQUA now has it. People are scurrying to get their shots. Going to stick with my antidote-----vodka.

Have spent a lot of time with other locals and our conversations are always kind of stupid, but funny. Yesterday GASSY WINDS came out looking for something 3” by 8”. Well of course that set us off----he meant wood, but of course we took it a much different way. Best comment, “the last time I had something 3 by 8 I did not walk well for a week. “>p> Then LAUNDRY STEVE started talking about wearing a leather thong. Then his partner JIM talked about making porno with his phone. Folks, both are the making of nightmares.

Will not even bring up GATOR who said, “I left my cell phone at home and should have called you to bring it.” No comment.

The PARROT HEADS are here. They are easy to spot----plaid shorts and Hawaiian shirts. Such taste.

The WEST VIRGINA BOYSleft yesterday-----will miss them. Too bad SYBIL did not make it down.

A Celebration Ceremony for CATHY GILLERAN will be held this Sunday, November 8 at 4 pm at the SOUTHERNMOST HOUSE.

Think we are FANTASY FESTED out. We love the visitors-----hope they all come back, but that is quite the week. On Sunday went to the corner of Truman and Duval and directed traffic to US 1 NORTH.

Thought Sunday would be a quiet day. It was not------lots of people out. Know the 801 was jammed.

However, am disappointed I was not asked to be the “fat lady who sings” at T-DANCE. I am eminently qualified. First, am fat-----not sure I am a lady (do not even think bitch). Second, If I sang they would flee.

Saturday of Fantasy Fest the 801 had SOYBEAN and GATOR behind the bar. What a great combination. They obviously enjoy working together, they had a great time, were gregarious and it infected the whole crowd. It was fun.

PORSCHE is so good-----can not wait until she gets back. May not be until New Years.

Now on we go. This week the PARROT HEADS are here and next week it is the POWER BOAT RACES. both affect lower Duval than where we are at, but both are fun and keep it going.

Jobless , jail birdJEREMY did it again. Got arrested for trespassing, and resisting arrest. Thought his mug shot from a few months ago was better than this one. Baby, take a break. At least you did not have to call work, since you got fired last week.

AQUA’S SEVENTH ANNIVESARY PARTY>/B> will be tonight, November 5 from 8 to 11 pm. Should be fun.

PORSCHE debuts with the WANDA SYKES this coming Saturday night at 11pm. It will be on Fox.

Went to DUELING BARTENDERS on Monday night and got abused by RANDY THOMPSON for no big reason other than I asked him if he got his wig at K-Mart.

HAPPY NOVEMBER!!! (i.e. Thank God October is over!)

FANTASY FEST 2009 is now a thing of the past. Another year of drunken debauchery, painted boobs (and other private areas), and enough Villains, Vixens, and Vampires to shake a wooden stake at. Loved it when a transformer blew during the parade, shutting off the power to the lower side of Duval Street. Some people will do anything to get MA JOHN to shut up. Even when I was drinking, I never had blackouts. But guess I looked GREAT in peacock feathers @ the HEADDRESS BALL! (Sorry JESSICA DEVERAUX. Once a Miss Pridefest, always a Miss Pridefest.) (NOTE TO PHOTOGRAPHERS: NEVER shoot a zophtic Drag Queen from below. NEVER flattering.) This year I dressed as Maleficent from SLEEPING BEAUTY. Have to say quite ironic, as she scared the CRAP out of me as a kid. Gave MUMSIE WINDS a good laugh. Next year’s theme… “Habitat for Insanity”. Can’t wait…

Lots of friends in town for the festivities. Some expected, some not. All good. PORSCHE AND CHUCK were back doing their “thang” at BOURBON STREET. Both look great, and my sister has discovered that a little color in her wardrobe can still be flattering. Of course the BIG NEWS (GREAT for her, not so much for us) is that she is now the second banana to WANDA SYKES for her new show airing on FOX THIS SATURDAY @ 11PM. CONGRATULATIONS my sister. You deserve it. Now learn to ENJOY IT!!!

Also in town from the Big Apple were my good friends SHAWN & GEORGE. Didn’t get to see much of them, as they were @ THE KEYS performing. In for TERRI WHITE who not only got MARRIED this week in NYC, but her reviews for her role on Broadway in FINNIAN’S RAINBOW are STELLAR!!! Tony, can you hear me?

Calling all FT. LADEDA RESIDENTS!!! AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEENS (The new 801 GIRLS Documentary) will be part of the Ft. Lauderdale International Film Festival this FRIDAY night @ 9:15pm at Cinema Paradiso (503 SE 6th Street). And SUSHI, GUGI, SAMANTHA, AND YOURS TRULY will be strutting our way down the red carpet for the occasion. ROAD TRIP!!! (But guess who gets to be the designated driver? Maybe that’s why they’re letting me go…) Wish it was premiering Saturday. JOYCE DEWITT will be there.

There will be a gathering/memorial for CAPTAIN TIMOTHY BROWN today @ the GARDENS HOTEL at 6PM.

Though I’m sure many today will speak of Tim’s gracious, giving heart and his exuberant ability to light up a room, I will forever remember… his incredible derriere. It was the first thing I noticed about him, and I always made sure to remind him of it. By far, the best glutious maximous on a human being… even Michelangelo’s David should bow his head in reverence. Oh Captain, my captain. Every sunset over Key West will now have you as part of it, making it all the more miraculous.

Have said this before, but feel it needs repeating. Grief is one of the hardest emotions to define. Everyone deals with it in their own way, and in their own time. All we can do is respect that, allow everyone their space, and be there for one another when the time is right. Above all, NO ONE has the right to judge what is “right” or “wrong” or “different” or who is “more-or-less worthy” to grieve. Remember, you’re the one reading this. Someone else isn’t. Think about that.

On a related note. Modern technology can be a wonderful thing. But certain things should be handled one on one. Not through e-mails, postings, twitters, blogs, web sites, and certainly not text messaging. The internet is the “information” super highway. And if the day arrives when a screen can convey emotion, and be there to hug someone when they get that “information”, find me. And tell me face to face.

PS. AQUA’S SEVENTH ANNIVERSAY PARTY will be Thursday, November 5 from 8 to 10 pm. Lots going to be going on.

A heads up to visitors and locals alike- 1. Never say "Wat up, Butta Cup?" to the friendly police lady pulling you over (Even though you think you know her). 2. Never argue on the basis of "I can't be speeding, because my speedometer doesn't work!" 3. It really IS against the law to drive a motorcycle or scooter barefoot in the state of Florida. AND it doesn’t matter if it is your day off OR if you are a visitor. 4. Just smile and say Thank you Ma’am, no matter what. (Holly, I still think you should have asked her to strip search you or at least frisk search you) So the moral of this story is.... You can be naked on Duval drinking out of an open container, but don’t drive your scooter barefoot.

Then the very next day. While at work my supervisor asked me to take a ride with him to go check on some boxes that I had recently installed. There seemed to be a problem. So while driving down Eaton St. in his truck. I was smoking a cigarette. We were talking about all that has happened to me the past few months, when I flipped my cig out the window. Now I want to be frank on this part. I NEVER LITER. If you knew how many times I had been fussed at by Karen and Leslie for washing my cigarette butts that I left in my pocket you would know that I NEVER put them on the ground. I just wasn’t thinking. So the motorcycle cop pulls us over for littering and threatens to give us a $116 ticket. Well this was enough to push me right over the edge. AND I start to cry. I try to give the officer my license but he would not take it saying the ticket belonged to the driver. So I start balling and shaking. The officer then leans into the truck and asks if I am OK. I tell him NO I AM NOT. He then says he is going to let us off with a warning. That is the good news. The bad being, I am now “ONE OF THOSE WOMEN”, you know the kind. The ones that cry to get out of tickets. I hate that kind of woman. And now I am one. So for the record. I DID FEM IT UP. And cried myself out of a ticket.

I want to say THANK YOU again to STAY FIT STUDIOS for sponsoring MR and MISS Sisterseason on our weight loss challenge. All the instructors have been fab!!!! But I do personally think Sean, Amy, Doug, Warren, and Ag are all trying to kill me. (Not sure about the rest of them, will be taking their classes later to see if it is a conspiracy.)

I do have a recommendation. You really need a warning sign posted at the Studio. “WARNING DO NOT TAKE SPIN CLASS IF YOU HAVE RAZOR STUBBLE ON YOUR FAMILY JEWELS OR WHOO WHOO: THIS MAY CAUSE A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE RASH and CHAFFING” Us beginners can’t think of everything. And learning this the hard way wasn’t fun. Took me longer to get over the rash, than the soreness of the exercising.

I hope everyone had a FUN and SAFE fantasyfest. I didn’t get to see as much of it as I normally do, but the local’s parade going down in front of my house was wonderful. I had the best view on the island.

Think SOYBEAN called me a “senile old man” the other day. Do not know, can not remember.

Well this island is jammed. Last night was the FANTASY FEST Parade. I left Duval about five because it was getting too crowded and drunk. It was a friendly crowd, it was just too many. On Friday 801 had a very crowded T-DANCE, emceed by the 801 Girls. On Saturday the BOURBON STREET PUB had their T-DANCE, complete with bead throwing. Saturday night was one of the earliest nights of the year for me.

The service people are exhausted, and although they love the money, are happy to see it over.

Why is it that about 2 am girls voices go up about three decibels. They make screech howls sound like robins.

Kudos to the CITY OF KEY WEST. By 9 am the next morning they have cleaned up and you would never know what had occurred the night before. Had a new neighborhood member complain about the noise. Did you not know before you moved so close to Duval. There are some perks and drawbacks from living so close to where it is happening. Both take adjusting to, but the noise from the weekend happens only about three times a year-----with the majority being from the music on the street. Think I can live with that.

PETER RYDER and the WEST VIRGINIA BOYS are all here. Petronia is again Gaytronia street.

It is November and no major storms or evacuations. Of all summers we needed a break, this may be the one, Think we are out of the major storm season.

BRIAN (of CARLOS and BRIAN): “Where did Soybean get those tits.” What nature did not give you, money can.

SOYBEAN on seeing GATOR in a P&E photo between two dancers from BOURBON STREET: “the two guys on either side are gorgeous, but who is the fat guy in the middle?” She is now known just as the bitch in our house.

CUTE CHRIS from Illinois left us yesterday. He is cute and he is very nice, but boy is he naïve. Better that he went home.

Tonight is the FANTASY FEST PARADE and the island is hopping. When it gets close to the parade I go home-----too crowded and you can not move.

PORSCHEis back as is CHUCKLES. Good to see both. CHUCKLES is working in a bar in Ney York City, the STONEWALL, and this will be a brief visit for him. PORSCHE has some exciting things going on and TESTIE TESSIE will talk about them in her next column. However she is not sure when she will be back.

Hearing from several businesses that this has been an excellent Fantasy Fest for them. One stated their daily earnings were up 50% from last year.

On Thursday JUNIOR dressed in an outfit that he said make him look like a gladiator. I thought he looked like an armadillo--a baby armadillo at that.

The STREET FAIR on Friday was jammed. It is also almost all the way down Duval. Lots of fun.

Thought I was having nightmares yesterday. One of the first things I saw when I woke up was DAVID ROSE. Well, it is Halloween.

Heard a good comment, “FANTASY FEST” is an adult spring break.”

The MASQUERADE PARADE was great, as it always is. Some of the costumes were just excellent. While at BOBBY’S saw AUSSIE SCOTT who has returned permanently. Good to have him home.

Mucho kudos to KWEST BAR for their decorations for Fantasy Fest. Every time I go by just get a grin. It was done by RICK WORTH, who is always excellent. Can not tell you the number of people who have commented on it.

TURTLE: “My butt is so cute that if I were gay I would fuck me.” At least he does not have an ego problem.

This place is filling up. Seen lots of old friends----the boys from Wheaton, Illinois and DAVE KING from my old home town of Grosse Ile, Michigan. Met some new good people, like the guy from Virginia Beach, Virginia.

BOURBON STREET PUB pissed off the Drag Queens the night of their underwear party. You should know better than that. Never piss off a drag queen.

DAVID ROSE what is this I am hearing about Titty, titty, licky, lickiy and it was not a girl. Hum

Also heard that Coronation Night QUEEN VICKI and KING RALPH were making the grand tour of Duval and RICK’S would not let them in without paying the cover. Hope that was just poor judgment by the person at the door.

Last week was the fifth anniversary of HURRICANE WILMA. Not the best memory here, but it means something else to me. That was the latest storm to hit in my memory and we have had a perfect summer------no storms, no evacuations. Knock on wood, but there is nothing out there.

801 is decorated in cob webs-----matcher SOYBEAN’S hair.

CLINT’S birthday was last Thursday. Sorry I missed it.

We have a yearly visitor. His name is KENNY. He is just obnoxious-----think he is from Massachusetts. At least he is not carrying around a 99% dead dog this year.

Today is my favorite event of Fantasy Fest. It is the MASQUERADE PARADE. Almost all locals they walk from the Cemetary and get a shot at every Guest House along the way. Eventually they wind up on Duval. The best place I think to watch it is BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR.

They turn off Simonton on to Olivia and begin to disperse after that. Always fun.

PORSCHE is on tonight at the BOURBON STREET PUB. She is performing this weekend and do not know when she will be back, so if you want to see her.

Also today is the Street Fair on Duval and tonight is the WRECKERS BALL at the ISLAND HOUSE. That is a fetish party for men only.

Sorry to say, but CAPTAIN TIM of SKINNY DIPPER CRUISES died on Tuesday. He had been fighting cancer for a long time.

Oh what a weekend. But that is what happens when your computer crashes. Want to thank TESTIE TESSIE and POSTAL WENDY for filling in the void for two days.

But we are back and here we go.

Friday and Saturday were the GOOMBAY FESTIVAL and it was packed both days. For the first time in years there was no rain to spoil the good time. The stores and bars were jammed all day long.

Friday night was the KING AND QUEEN OF FANTASY FEST CORONATION BALL Congratulations to KING RALPH and QUEEN VICI GORDAN. All four candidates were excellent and their efforts raised mucho money for AIDShelp in a bad economic time.

Sunday was kind of a quiet day-----seems people were taking a break.

Monday the pace picked up again. A cruise ship full of lesbians make a visit. Went to AQUA for DUELING BARTENDERS and could not even get in the door.

Monday night were the fetish parties-----KELLY’S FETISH PARTY at KELLYS, and DUNGEONS, DARK SECRETS and FETISHES at 801. BOURBON STREET PUB also had a men only underwear party. All were well attended. I have not seen so many tits and dicks in a long time.

Tuesday night was the BUSINESS GUILD’S HEADRESS BALL. As usual, well organized and well attended. RUDE GIRL was a good emcee.

This island is really jumping now as more and more people arrive. The weather has really been good------just hope it stays that way.

PETER RYDER, The BARONESS VON BOATSLIP arrives today------well he is supposed to. If you know PETER you know what that means. PORSCHE is also expected to arrive for the weekend.

The big event tonight is the TOGA PARTY at SLOOPY JOES----that traditionally has a tendency to spill up and down Duval.

Ah it’s nice to feel rested again, have a full refrigerator, and all the laundry is done.

Of course that's because the KING AND QUEEN of FANTASY FEST Campaign has come to a successful, though bittersweet end. We had a GREAT run, but unfortunately the crown was not to be had by the Mar“keys”, MARK BLACKBURN & MARK PATTERSON. Congratulations to KING RALPH (wasn’t that a John Goodman movie?) and QUEEN VICKI on winning. And let us not forget STACY STAHL. What is most amazing is that 4 Campaigns, in this struggling economy, were able to raise almost $200,000; while last year 8 campaigns raised, I believe, over $230,000. It shows that hard work, determination, and the INCREDIBLE & GENEROUS support of ONE HUMAN FAMILY can do wonders. And in the end, the true winner is AIDS HELP. For me, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but equally one of the most rewarding. One final note. MARK PATTERSON would always mention during an event that “what we are doing in 8 weeks, AIDS HELP does 365 days a year.” Even though the campaign is over, that does not mean we should give or care any less. AIDS is still a reality, and until there is a cure, we must continue the fight. Something we should all keep in mind.

If anyone knows or remembers JAMES from SAN FRANCISCO who was here visiting recently (works in insurance, owns a restaurant,...), I think I gave him the wrong e-mail address. If your paths crossed as well, or are a west-coast reader who knows him, please forward this to him.

The DUNGEONS & DRAGONS FETISH PARTY @ 801 was… interesting. Having worked upstairs @ 801 the past 2 years, this was my first time actually being able to “experience” it. 801 went all out in transforming not only the bars but the parking lot and the backyard/garage of the house next door into a maze of different “areas” so everyone had a place to “play”. Being that my only real “fetish” is men in Cowboy boots, I properly donned mine and a pair of cut-offs and headed into the fray. Thank goodness I got in the door just before Mother Nature decided to unzip the sky and DELUGE the party (though it made all the people there for water sports VERY happy, as well as the bartenders). Of course cameras were prohibited, but in this day and age with cameras as small as some of the other “equipment” I saw, anyone there might want to check YouTube or XTube just in case. Lastly, it was definitely a straight person’s paradise, and my kudos to the woman in the sling who was able to bend her body into… suffice to say she was quite limber. Of course even going home I didn’t miss much. My backyard is next door, so had several party goers cum, I mean come over to say hi.

Of course the real story of the evening involves some of the 801 GIRLS going over to BOURBON STREET around 2am and being denied entry. They returned to 801, and the next thing you know a bevy of beauties, with House Queen SUSHI leading the way, made their way across the street to raise cane. Obviously being an 801 girl myself, I will try to be as impartial as possible (and for the record I was not in drag and was permitted entry before this occurred.). Bottom Line:

1. BOURBON STREET was having their own private party, just like 801, and are allowed to set the rules as to who can and can’t come in.

2. In these difficult economic times, FANTASY FEST is ALL of our one chance in a long time to make a few sheckles, and cross-promotion and support can only help, rather than hinder.

3. For a bar that was not allowing drag queens (or any females for that matter) in, JESSICA DEVERAUX sure looked pretty holding court at the Garden Bar. Understand she was working there earlier, but…

Bottom, bottom line: ONE HUMAN FAMILY. GET ALONG, WORK TOGETHER, AND GROW UP!

Hear the HEADDRESS BALL was a success as usual, though it was a little difficult to see what was going on onstage, as someone was a little “liberal” with the fog machine.

DEJA about RANDY THOMPSON: “Her skin is so alabaster, you can see her brain when she walks by a light, like a shrimp.”

I was presented a CD-ROM by RV BEAUMONT the other night at the D&D party with a request that what it contained be printed and posted in its entirety on P&E. Please note that this is the private opinion of RV, and the views expressed are his and his alone. I have made some text formatting and spelling changes only.

It has been requested that I make a public apology, to my co-workers, and fellow performers, and a thank you.

As many of you didn't know, unless you kept up with me, on Facebook, I have grade three melanoma. This is due to my own procrastination, fear, no health insurance, and not even enough to pay the hospital. Justin was the first to hogtie me, in November of 08, to Dr. Covington, and Primary Care at Depoo. biopsies, trip to cancer doctor, blood work, cat scan , yep grade two melanoma . Went to Mexico, and procrastinated till my mother came down in May of 09. Screamed at the whole town, to make me get to the doctor. Thank you Justin, mom, and Sushi, for doing what mother ordered.

This is where a big thank you to Brad, Sam, and Kylie, for getting my ass hogtied again, back to the doctors. Also to Sushi, for doing what mother ordered. Big depression had set in, and the addict in me roared out. Reeking havoc upon anyone, or thing that was in its path. Still sober, but way not clean, still working on that. This is where a deep, I'm sorry to my co-performers, that I hurt, was evil to and, even stole from. The fact that after discovering that I had gone to grade three, and it became a life or death situation, I was digging a deep hole. I didn't even know how to get the word cancer out of my mouth.

We had lost so many friends, and co performers in the year 2008, that telling everyone my condition wouldn't be heart lifting. It was made aware of at Bingo, where a great big thank you goes out to for checking on me after the surgery, and being there, with rides to the doctors, donations, support, hell a lot of support during all this ,and even now. Big loving G-59 to Mario, Gail, Ann, Dwight, Postal Wendy, Mitch, Pooh Bear, Deb, Vicki (our new queen!), Tony, Jason, and Donald for holding down the fort, and to so many here in town have helped out, and the worst is to come, so thank you early.

Dr Chan, Jennifer, Pam, and Yiza, took the lead and since this was life or death, I was accepted for Medicaid. It's crazy, but the only way to live, and get major medical help, is to be risking dying .Tumor on back of leg, and lymph nodes in the right leg were surgically removed on Sept eleventh. A nine hour surgery, I thank the nursing staff, the morphine button, Heather, Dee, and Wendy for checking in on me. Kenne' for calling, sorry also, just got out of surgery, and phone dropped, click button, weee zzzz. That's what happened, did it to my mom too. Big thanks to Sushi for pick up, drop off, grocery shop, and the tenured Benefit, and for all the other girls for allowing it for two months. Will see what can be done to make up for it. Sister Season, need to talk to you about Dec.

I was bed ridden, no moving, flat on my ass, no phone, just moved, not unpacked, thank you Heather for the laptop, which reached me out to Facebook. So many thank you's, Michel, Steven, Gary, Renee, Tabatha, Kenne' (yum), Gassy, Carlotta, my gal's from Sanford, and my whole fan base for the prayers, thoughts, concerns, support, and help when needed most.

The world was only able to find out about me by that network, I was hoping that in that early state of healing, that my co-workers, that I have seen, be right there, when the chips were down, sat on death watches, buried here, or in our hearts, seven queens, from the House of Sushi in the last ten years. We are sister helping sister, Drag Mafia, but after Sushi left, I saw only Smerna, thank you for those essentials. I kept asking Brad who now is roommates with me, and Sam, Dee, Heather, the dogs, my cat, and a hover-round, thank you Deja, does any one ask about me, and can they visit. I got the reply, "The world doesn't revolve around RV Beaumont" . I had no communication other than Facebook. I kept putting in the status update, "Someone please tell the 801 girls to contact, or visit." No reply, I was stuck in the room, being served by Dee, and Heather, who also fell ill, and had to make a trip to Lower Keys.

Brad became distant, and that's when I started using FB for help, again thank you to those that showed kindness. It was approaching my Birthday, and already a week and a half, and no word from the girls, no get well card, and with fellow roommates that work with me, not even telling me the news of work, Sam doesn't like medical stuff, just like me. I was desperate, and my Birthday I updated, that drag Mafia was dead, and don't go see the girls, until at least one visits, or phones me. Well kylie finally called after I made three attempts, I called Miss Daniels, and other than that I have still not seen anyone of them here, or offering support.

So here's the apology. I am truly sorry for posting on Facebook , to not go see the girls, I guess it made a impact. But this apology goes out to the new girls, for not knowing that we help each other, Sushi, because she was there, and the girls for the financial burden.

This is a town of love and support, we are there for one another, and have a benefit for everything, from animal care, to people care. I have asked for no benefit, or help, though I need it, and too damn proud to ask. I am about to go through a year of chemotherapy, and hopefully with my sisters there showing support, and true sisterhood. . I now the town will be there for me. As I said on FB "maybe this is a karma on me for not visiting, or helping Scabby, could be. I'm sorry too all those I have not been there for during sickness, I'm not good with it.

If I have hurt anyone so deeply that they sing, "you have cancer, and your dying", too giving the total silence treatment, even a week before surgery, or upset about the Facebook comment, again I'm sorry.

And again, thanks to Sushi for taking care of the original 801 girls, It's truly amazing that there are still six gals working, at the 801, that got drag off it's feet , and in Key West. And to the girls that are new and are allowing the tenured policy.

The next year with chemo will probably not make me fun to be with, behind the curtain, so ahead of time sorry girls. Please be there for me, I am scared, and I need you.

To all Thank You, and I'm Sorry,

RV Beaumont aka Timothy Swain

It is time for the party to begin. Today is the first day of the GOOMBAY FESTIVAL, to me the start of Fantasy Fest. Tonight is the end for the candidates for KING and QUEEN of FANTASY FEST. Personally love GOOMBAY. Good food, good music, lots of people. The BOURBON STREET GARDEN BAR will open up to all with a steel band performing, both on Friday and Saturday. Some local advice----the food seems fresher on Friday than Saturday.

Tonight is the ROYAL CORONATION BALL at 6 pm at LA TE DA. As always the candidates are exhausted, as are many who follow the events. Past King and Queens will be performing, as well as the candidates. Then the King and Queen will be announced. Sole criteria for winning is the most money raised.

DANCER LEE and AJ are here for a couple of weeks. They are no only good eye candy, but very friendly. It is nice to see them get here and immediately ask what they can do to help in the preparations.

CUFF are you driving your Vulva down?

Some very sad news. AUNTIE PEARL, one of our good friends from Hawaii passed away Wednesday. Our thoughts are with MARK and DEAN and all the rest of his friends.

JUNIOR to RYAN as he walked by, “Are you off to the smile clinic to get your face worked on?”

MANAGER BOB: “I am just a tough Buckeye.” Finally, something I agree with. Always thought the was a worthless nut.

BOURBON STREET PUBS fourteenth anniversary was last night. Would habe said something earlier, but I did not know about it.

Starting the rumor that DAVID ROSE is going home to New York for a visit. His high school special education class is having a reunion. He was considered a scholar there----he could tie his shoe.

Rare event on Sunday. Had a daytime RALPHIE sighting. Seeing him in the daylight does not help much.

Went to 801 Karaoke Sunday. TAFFY, who is totally deaf, sang. He is quite good. Then 801 PAUL sang. All I can say is do not give up your day job. When I told him that, he said. “So you think I am a better bartender, than singer?” Replied, “I did not say that either.”

CUTE CHRIS from central Illinois did not go home with his friends. He is staying an extra couple of weeks.

Reminder of the Memorial Service for LESLIE LEONELLI Saturday at 11 am at the Southernmost Beach.

Went to DUELING BARTENDERS last Monday and GASSY WINDS came as JASMINE. It still was not pretty.

INGA’S birthday was last Monday. No one knows how old she is. According tp AQUA LAURIE there is a rumor about a cooling casket that slows her aging.

Something very suspicious, RANDY THOMPSON was nice to me the entire night.

RANDY THOMPSON has a new boyfriend----it is STEVEN, formerly of the 801. They can through all the Clairol colors together----if they have not already.

LEATHERMASTER is having a VIP RECEPTION tonight from 6 to 8. There will be drink, food and a DJ. All are welcome.

T-BAG (aka JOSH) has recovered well, but has permanently returned to Seattle. We will miss him

MANAGER BOB has a severe hernia. He says it comes from lifting weights. I think it came from wailing too much and too loud when Ohio State lost.

Postal Cards From the Edge

THANK YOU….THANK YOU….THANK YOU… I want to thank all of you for all your love and support thru the past 2 months. I have always said that Key West is awesome, and that what you give to this community, it will be repaid to you a thousand fold. But y’all proved it to me in my time of need. How my heart can be hurting for the loss of Leslie and then Karen. Yet it is also full of love from all of you. I am now moving forward in my healing. Not just emotionally but physically.

I, Mistah Sistah have teamed up with Miss B-Rad Sisterseason. And we are doing a weight loss challenge with the help of Stay Fit Studio’s on White Street. I also want to thank Sean from Stay Fit who is giving both B-rad and me personal training. We are asking the community to pledge 1 dollar a pound that we lose, (up to 50 pounds). You can pledge just B-rad or just me (Postal Wendy) or go for the gusto and pledge our combined loss. We know the economy is bad so there is also an option to pledge a onetime donation. Whether it be $5, $10, $20. All the money raised will go to www.sisterseason.com. At the end of this challenge on May 31, 2010 at the annual Beach Party for Sisterseason. We will be in bathing suits, whether we lose the weight or not. So we are gonna look really good, or you may want to cover your eyes.

We have so much going on in town the next 2 weeks. Next week being Gombay, followed by Fantasyfest. May the freaks come on out. But just remember visitors. What happens in Key West is on the internet 3 minutes later.

Love and kisses to y’all,

Walked by AQUA on Saturday and get met with a water balloon and sprayed with water. Good ole DAVID ROSE. He promised not to do it again and that lasted almost an hour. Even got a note on my back. Am I a glutton for punishment even by going close to him?

Do not forget to look at the videos on the PHOTO PAGE. Some are pretty good. If you would like to add one of your own videos about Key West, just follow the simple directions.

All I have to say to all the OHIO STATE fans is “Hail to ole Purdue.” Maybe next year. Then NEBRASKA gets beat-----see OMAHA CRAIG that is what you get from sending me pornographic pictures of Nebraska’s stadium. Finally, there was NOTRE DAME going down in a blaze of glory. Oh, by the way, MICHIGAN STATE won.

Had a good conversation with JOHN and ROGER on Saturday. Just missed having MURPHY there.

JILL and SANDY of AQUA called TIPSY and DAVID ROSE to see if they could come over to their house. Seems there was a dead mouse on their deck and they were afraid to go outside. Is that the definition of powder puff lesbians?

PETER RYDER, the BARONESS VON BOAT SLIP is planning his return for October 29th. We will see.

DUELING BARTENDERS with RANDY THOMPSONtoday.

This last weekend was the last for a flurry of King and Queen candidate events. VICKY GORDON had the ATLANTIC SHORES REDUX at SOUTHERNMOST SHORES. Of course it rained. The MARKEYS had a Chicken Drop -----whatever that is. Think all of the contestants are exhausted and ready for the CORONATION BALL Friday night at LA TE DA’S

The cold front came through yesterday and the high was only in the mid-70’s-----refreshing, almost chilly.

The doors to the GLCC are still closed. Hearing many long time members are jumping ship and the GLCC is in deep trouble both financially and in other ways. Is this the end of GLCC?

Been trying to fin a local bicyclist who actually obeys the traffic rules. Gave up on that and just started looking for some who followed some of the traffic laws. Have not seen many. How many more bad bike accidents do we need?

801 PAUL and LITTLE BRIAN were calling each other “bitch” and Scared some tourists from Minnesota when we talked about cold fronts coming through. It is not like up north where the temperature can change 30 degrees. Here a cold front means 5 of so degrees and the humidity falls. Totally different.

A first----CASA JIM refused to lick 801 PAUL‘S armpit. For once I understand someone’s action.

The benefit at ISLAND HOUSE Friday night for all the candidates for Fantasy Fest made just under $49,000. STACI won for Queen and for King it was a tie between the MARKEYS and RALPH.

Have been avoiding DAVID ROSE-----you never know what that maniac is going to do.

The pace this weekend is a little quicker than last. As the week goes on it will really pick up. A fun time to be here.

Happy birthday KP. Come out of hiding and come see us.

JOHN and FRASER are back in Scotland. Miss the already.

Was with the BITCH SISTERS> when the whole drama of the kid in the balloon unfolded. Most of the comments are unprintable, but they were funny. Now it appears the whole thing may have been a hoax.

Good to see TOMASINA the other afternoon.

RYAN had a smiley shirt on the other day. Is that not a pictorial oxymoron?

Seems different people are taking turns in being the drunk of the day. Thursday is was blond JOSH’S and he preformed his role beautifully. He ended it by throwing a drink at someone‘s car and getting banned.

Have met some great visitors this week. The guys from Switzerland are great and cute. Then there is CHRIS from central Illinois who is just a cutie.

Knock on wood, but it is the middle of October and there have been no storms, nor is there a threat of any. The latest storm I can remember was WILMA, which hit us on October 24th a couple of years ago. Would it not be great to get through an entire season without one. Even if that happens we should throw a hurricane party just to have one.

Only two weeks until the Fantasy Fest Parade. That is a crazy, crazy day here.

Do not forget we got videos. Just go to the photo page and scrolling down past the pictures.

SCABBY is serious about writing a recipe book called, “COOKING WITH MARINOL.”

It is for people with AIDS and cancer. He should get RV BEAUMONT as co-author.

SOYBEAN, after reading JUNIORS quotes in this outstanding publication, called him “disgusting.” JUNIOR was agog. He commented, “After all the years I have know her and all the things I have done, she finds that disgusting?” He has a point SOYBEAN.

Today is ATLANTIC SHORES REDUX at Southernmost Shores. Lots of the old ATLANTIC SHORES staff will be there. It is a fund raiser for VICKI GORDON.

GATOR: “I have noticed that there is a relationship between the height of a person and the size of dildo they buy. The smaller the person, the bigger the dildo. Thank you for that bit of astute anthropological information, CAPTAIN KINKY. Maybe you can make LSU’s Hall of Fame for academic achievement.

We are entering the last semi-quiet weekend before the madness begins. A week from today GOMBAY FESTIVAL begins as well as the coronation of KING AND QUEEN of FANTASY FEST. Next Monday FANTASY FEST starts. Lots of people are scrambling to get ready. You can buy costumes up and down Duval, but the best ones are made. Masks are available from cheap to really nice. The cheap ones are at like Walgreens, with the moderate ones at FAIRVILLA and IN TOUCH. The really beautiful ones (Italian)are at LEATHERMASTER.

Found out that the reason the shell of a building on the 400 block of Petronia was torn down was that it was structural unsafe.

CASA JIM can be so loud even TAFFY, who is totally deaf covers his ears. As HURLIN HELEN says: “He is the lucky one.”

Two of JUNIOR’S more famous sayings: “Anal warts are the speed bumps of love.” and, “Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving.”

Hearing that COCO, one of our great old queens is seriously considering moving to Savannah. Hope not, she would be really missed.

Do not forget our new videos. They are on the photo page. Just go to photos and scroll down. We hope you add yours----just please no nudity or sex. We want to remain a family site.

Do we need to add a GOLDEN PLUNGER for BAR WENCH. Then SOYBEAN would have a category all her own.

We have added t new dimension to PISTOL AND ENEMA.COM. We now have videos------and we hope you will add your best of Key West. It is in the PHOTO GALLERY. Just go that page, scroll down to the directions and the quick link is there.

Missed some birthdays. GUGI had her birthday on Sunday, and MARY of BOURBON had hers on Monday. Belated congrats.

Another screw up. In a recent column I mentioned HURLIN HELEN’S daughter. Called her DAWN. Her name is really NICKI. Sorry-------just want to know how such a nice girl can survive a father like DON.

SCABBY returned to the stage at 801 CABARET on Monday nights and by all accounts gave an excellent performance. She will be there every Monday. She is quite the performer.

BILMAR STATION, where CRABBY DICKS used to be, has opened. It looks like a light, but interesting menu.

T BAG (aka JOSH) got out of the hospital Tuesday. He lost some weight and is a little pale, but otherwise great. Of course his first visit was to the bar.

THE KEY WEST WRECKERS are holding the WRECKERS BALL at the ISLAND HOUSEon Friday, October 30-----it is a Fantasy Fest event. To learn more about it go their web page go to www.FetishandFantasyPartyforMen.com. It is a male only event.

Why has GATOR not had his LSU hat since last Saturday?

How you feelin’? TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God Coronation for K&Q of FF is next week. Had my last big event that I planned on Saturday and slept Sunday and Monday, with a quick wake-up to do the Sunday show @ 801. More to come on that later.

Why…

1. do people on scooters have to smoke or talk on their cell phones while driving?

2. do people think ONE WAY signs mean something different down here?

3. do bicyclists think all the rules of the road do not apply to them?

4. do drunks immediately think that people are ignoring them because they’re in a conversation they’ve been in way before they EVER sat down?

Just asking…

AUSSIE SCOTT is back to stay! Was out with him & BOBBY celebrating Mr. Monkey Bar’s Birthday. QUOTE OF THE WEEK: AUSSIE SCOTT

“Bobby looks like he’s got Buckwheat in a head lock with his shirt off.” So glad you’re back, just don’t unpack =)

New favorite song: “Keep it Real” by… The Jonas Brothers. I need help.

Going to have to find a new vice to replace Wild Turkey. Was SURROUNDED by varying degrees of intoxication last night. The “high on life” thing is loosing its luster. Something legal that won’t affect my liver. Suggestions?

THE MAR “KEYS” FOR KING RE-CAP AND WEEK EVENTS

Well Saturday was the ROYAL RIDES Bicycle and Scooter Auction for the Markeys. It was my pet project for the campaign, and even though had relatively small attendance, the evening was lovely. Great weather, great locale (SOUTHERNMOST HOTEL GINGERBREAD POOL), and GREAT food from GREEN REPUBLIC on FLEMING (the Not-Tuna-Tuna rolls were amazing).

As beautiful as the Sushi and Inga bikes were from 801 & AQUA respectively, I have to say the scooter hand painted by RICK WORTH was truly a mobile work of art. The detailing was precise, yet subtle. Thank you to ALL for your time and your talents.

Today: RUNWAY IN THE PROJECTS GRAND FINALE @ AQUA. 6 – 8PM. The winners from the past 4 weeks compete for the big title. If you want to enter, or have entered before and want another shot, you can buy your way into the finale for $10.00.

Thursday: ALL CANDIDATE EVENT @ ISLAND HOUSE. $2,500 purse at stake for the candidate who brings in the most donations that day.

Friday: BAR GAMES WITH MARK “WHITNEY” @ BSP. 6 – 8PM.

CHICKEN DROP @ CYPRESS HOUSE: 5 – 7PM. It’s the new DEAL OR NO DEAL for Fantasy Fest Candidates!!!

Sunday: WIG AUCTION @ AQUA: 6 – 8PM. Hosted by FAITH MICHAELS.

Local Drag Queens, Salons, and Stylist have put their best brush forward to create an INCREDIBLE assortment of headwear suitable for The Headdress Ball or the Halloween Parade. Also a Silent Auction. Not to be missed.

ALL CANDIDATE BINGO @ 801. 5 – 7PM.

We are also still looking for a buyer for the CAPTAIN OUTRAGEOUS PIANO, and SCOOTER RAFFLE TICKETS are still on sale as well ($10/ticket and can be purchased from a member of the campaign staff, or at any event). The drawing will be Wednesday, October 21st @ the CASINO ROYALE Event. Winner need not be present to win. If your interested in the piano, contact me here @ P&E and we’ll talk.

Saw RV BEAUMONT Sunday. He called GAY BINGO. He is looking good and ornery as ever.

Do not know what possessed me but walked into Karaoke Sunday night. It was crowded. When JEFF and GUGI are singing I can handle it, but this other guy just drove me out. Love having GATOR as a bartender, but not that much.

DAVID ROSE has the mentality of a seventh grader. Over the last couple of days I have had water sprayed on me twice, a water balloon thrown at me and a nasty not plastered on my back.

Have seen busier weekends, but it was fun. The tempo will pick up the closer we get to Fantasy Fest. People are getting their costumes ready----most popular choice seems to be Monique Acevedo.

FIRE ISLAND JAMES ----new bartender at the BOURBON PUB-----he is also known as HBO----is loving his stay here.

T-BAG’S (aka JOSH) parents arrived from Seattle. His recovery is slow, but he is getting there.

Our Scottish friends JOHN and FRASER are in town for the week. Always great to see them.

MISS SISTER SEASON, B-RAD and MR. SISTER SEASON POSTAL WENDY got weighed in at their personal trainers. They have so long to lose weight. They will get you to pledge and you pay so much per pound. Given those two, it could bankrupt you. All for a good cause---the SISTER SEASON FUN

DOGS ON DUVAL is moving in January. They are looking at several other shops that are close on Duval.

BONE ISLAND: BARE IT ALL WEEKEND will be December 3-6. Check their web site if you are interested.

One of fantasy costume she bought with school money was called “Ride Me Cowboy.” She said it was for a children’s play group. Where was that play group when I was young.

Today is COLUMBUS DAY. You know the man who discovered America. I have always wondered how you can “discover” something that is already occupied and owned. It is like me finding a car and taking it, calling it a discovery.

JUST A GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT: GATOR “I like attention.”

DICKIE DOO is back and, as usual, creating havoc. Public warning: Do not tell him where your are staying, and more importantly, do not give him a room key.

New idea for a contest: THE POLICE MUG SHOT OF THE YEAR. We would have many contestants. Two favorites right now would be JEREMY and TOOTSIE (aka TROY).

Met HURLIN HELEN’S daughter, DAWN. She seemed like a sweet heart. How her father could put that picture of her in Facebook is beyond me. If I were her I would take him out.

As of right now, GLCC still has PRIDEFEST, but there is something going on there. They no longer have an executive director and when you go by their offices there is no one there. Always thought their major purpose was to be providing information and a clearing house. I guess not.

Remember the last time they tried to run PRIDE FEST by committee. It was a disaster, saved only by the businesses who made the parade good. Maybe they should get out of this game and get back to their purpose.

Perfect Saturday--- MICHIGAN STATE>/B> won and MICHIGAN lost.

The MONIQUE saga continues. Now it has been reported she bought sexy outfits with school funds. Charged it to the special education center. Yea, sure babes, hope Omar the tent maker did them for you or they would never fit.

She begins her court proceedings just about Fantasy Fest---this might be better. The whole thing is so sad. It shows a very flawed system that needs to be repaired. I also feel bad about their children-----but guess that is part of the price.

Last week wrote about how the heat was moderating. Well I lied. It has returned along with high humidity. We have set some records. Time for a cold wave.

Tourist came into AQUA complaining how poorly his wife was treating----just like a “peon.” We informed him that if he did not want to be a “peon” he should stay away from >b>DAVID ROSE.

CUFF get down here----they are being mean to me.

Lots going on today. At 3 is Poker at AQUA, 5 is GAY BINGO at 801; 5 is DRAG KARAOKE AT 801 and the T-DANCE at LA TE DA.

We are writing a book about GATOR’S use of vocabulary and how he has reinvented standard English. It will be entitled. “ Laissez les bon temps roulez.”

PAUL and CLAUDE had a Fantasy Fest event for VICKI GORDAN yesterday. The good news was that the puppies were there. The bad news----so was PAUL. Think of him and SOYBEAN together----the stuff of nightmares.

JUNIOR to GATOR: “Open your mouth or you will get it in the eyes.”

PETER RYDER has delayed his arrival by a couple of weeks. Normal, as CLINT says he never makes it on the first try.

Think BEER PONG is the new game at the BOURBON GARDEN BAR. They sure have a lot of fun with it.

The Republican National Committee’s reaction to OBAMA’S Nobel Peace Prize is offensive. Have they no civility left? Our politics must become more civil-----even for Republicans.

Had a RALPHIE sighting the other day. He is doing well----just strange to see him in the sun light.

The AKRON BOYS are in and they are a hoot.

SOYBEAN is back to being not so nice to me. It must be something I said, or maybe being included in the photo expose of “Dogs on Duval.” If she does it again her punishment is to sit through a BOBBY NESBITT performance. It that does not work she will have to attend a BOBBY NESBITT AND BRUCE MOORE performance.

Also got DAVID ROSE a little miffed. He said to me, ”You already have one foot in the grave and I am going to get the other foot in.”

T- BAG (aka JOSH) is going to be in the hospital at least for a week. Well at least the NEW ORLEANS HOUSE gets a vacation.

Found out AQUA LAURIE’S full name. It is LAURIE TWOSOCKS

BOBBYS was closed yesterday. Pretty sure AUSSIE SCOTT has arrived. Wonder what BOBBY and SCOTT were doing.? Been checking and it seems most everything for housing for FANTASY FEST is booked----at least in Old Town. If you are planning to come and do not have a room you had had better try immediately.

Still not sure who is going to be in charge of PRIDE FEST next year.

Congrats to OBAMA for the Nobel Peace Prize. Just not sure for what. Maybe because he is not GEORGE W.

The Nobel Prizes also got me thinking. Maybe next year I will try for the Nobel Prize in literature AND the Pulitizer Prize for great journalism. Not that I am greedy, I do not need both. Either one will do.

The shell of an old building on the 400 block of Pretonia is finally being torn down. It has been like that, s shell, for many years.

JUNIOR “That back hoe on Pretonia is a bigger ho than Hurlin Helen.” Frankly, that is disputable.

The DETROIT TIGERS were leading their division almost the entire season. On the last game Minnesota tied them and won the playoff. Just like a Detrtoit team----get your hopes up only to fail. It is a good metaphor for the entire city.

JOSE, a new drag queen at 801, suffered last week from burst appendix. Last heard she is mending well.

The EL RANCHO MOTEL on Truman is gone. It is being replaced by a new facility. So much for the EL ROACHO.

JUNIOR: “DAVID ROSE what came first the chicken of the egg-----what is first the puke, then the pee?”

RUMMOR, RUMOR: There has been a management change at 801----KIM is out and BRAD is in.

For FANTASY FEST balcony tickets for THE NEW ORLEANS HOUSE are on sale and moving fast. For the parade they are a $100 for tourists and $75 for locals. Also is a pre-party on the balcony from 11am to 5 pm for $25.

There will be flue shots available at the BOURBON STREET PUB on October 21st from noon to 6 pm. Cost for the flu shot is $25.

Thank you GASSY seeing I got home safely the other night. There is nothing like being led by a drag queen. Should probably go to some of those AA meetings with you, but they never hold them in bars.

T-BEG (aka JOSH of the New Orleans House) fell on his bike and was injured. It was burst spleen. He had an emergency operation on Wednesday night and is in the hospital. Get better baby.

Sorry to report the passing of KAREN FISCHER. She lived here for a time a couple of years ago. She worked on the Conch Trolley and as a bartender at PEARLS. Our thoughts are with her many friends, especially POSTAL WENDY.

GASSY WINDS was right----the full moon creates increased chaos here. Do not know how much wackier this place can get, but the full moon usually provides a way. This month it was the invasion of the MAD CRAPPERS. There was one at the New Orleans House and another one at KWEST. Add to this at least one bed wetter and it was quite the weekend.

Sometimes just hate technology. First, bought an I Phone. I do not know what possessed me. Can finally receive and make calls, but that is it. Then when my computer gets into any form of problem I just am useless. Yesterday could not get to my e-mail. That caused the delay in getting the column out. Acted just like an old queen and returned to my cave and sucked my thumb.

Our neighbor has three dogs, who must pride themselves in how much they can yap. It is incessant sometimes and drives you nuts.

Speaking of dogs-----thanks MARATHON VET CLINIC for taking such good care of CHICO.

With PETER RYDER about ready to return, we are having to learn all we can about “anal leakage” so we can talk intelligently with him

We have a new mayor. CRAIG CATES beat MORGAN MC PHERSON. Thought this may happen after Morgan openly asked for clemency for RANDY ACEVEDO. One more Bubba gone.

SCABBY is returning to the 801 Drag Queen show on Mondays. It will be a welcome addition. RV BEAUMONT wants to be back for Fantasy Fest.

Happy anniversary LOUIE. Today would have made it 32. Miss you every day babes-----but thoroughly remember the run we had.

How you feelin’? HOT HOT HOT!!!

GOD IT GOT HOT THIS WEEK. And I don’t mean the boys in the BSP pool.

We had a taste of summer over the weekend, with warm sunny days, and cool breezy nights. Then the full moon hit Sunday and boy did it get HOT, MUGGY, AND HUMID!!! Big girls like me do NOT do well with humidity.

Speaking of the full moon, I know its supposedly an urban legend that it brings out the crazies. And here in Key West, sometimes it’s hard to tell the sane from the insane. But boy!!! You’d step out on Duval Street and you would think Bellvue Hospital had a “Get out of Padded Room Free” Day.

Plus the new trend down here seems to be “Have Sugar Daddy, will Hustle”. Seen more older men with younger boys out and about. Could name a few, but that’s what ENEMA’S for. Suffice to say if you are of the Chicken Hawk persuasion and have a few extra lollipops (Halloween is right around the corner, you know) then stretch your wings and fly on down. They’ll be right there at the airport to help you with your… bags.

Two sad things to report. POSTAL WENDY has had quite the week. After loosing LESLIE (PEARL’S), she had another loss this week, her dearest KAREN. Our thoughts and prayers are with you my dear. Stay strong.

And for those of you who know and remember ADAM from UTAH (worked @ 801 as a cocktail server for a bit), he was down recently with his mother to pack up his stuff and move back home. Well on their drive to Miami, she fell asleep at the wheel. She suffered some broken bones and Adam was bruised up pretty badly, but against Dr.’s recommendations, she insisted on flying back anyway after only a night in the hospital. Last I heard they had returned safely. Be well my friend.

SUNDAY’S ALL CANDIDATE BINGO @ 801 was an absolute hoot as well, as all the candidates (except for RALPH because he had to work) got a taste of winning in one way or another. The first and third games went to MARK PATTERSON, and the second game went to VICKI GORDON. Then STACI STAHL came from behind, not only winning “loser” bingo (beating out VICKI’S Campaign Manager), but also the cover-all game as well. PLUS all the candidates auctioned off their prize bags in their continued efforts to raise as much money for AIDS HELP. Now THAT’S what I call teamwork.

Today: RUNWAY IN THE PROJECTS #4 @ 801 BOURBON STREET. 6 – 8PM. Last chance to enter before the BIG finale @ AQUA next week.

Thursday: Wii BOWLING TOURNAMENT @AQUA. 6 – 8PM. Friday: BAR GAMES WITH MARK “WHITNEY” @ BSP. 6 – 8PM.

Saturday: ROYAL RIDES SCOOTER AND BICYCLE AUCTION @ SOUTHERNMOST HOTEL – GINGERBREAD CONFERENCE ROOM & POOL, 6 – 9PM.

Our BIGGEST event yet, with a HUGE Silent Auction Table, and a LIVE Auction with 3 bicycles hand decorated by AQUA, THE 801 GIRLS, and RANDY THOMPSON & THE QUEEN MOTHERS, a 2008 Jonway Scooter Hand Painted by RICK WORTH, and the Personal, Painted Spinet Piano of CAPTAIN OUTRAGEOUS. Suggested Donation of $10.00 at the door. Cash Bar. Food provided by GREEN REPUBLIC. Hosted by J.B. McLENDON (Who’s that?)

Sunday: ALL CANDIDATE BINGO @ 801. 5 – 7PM.

We are also doing a SCOOTER RAFFLE as well. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased from a member of the campaign staff, or at any event. The drawing will be Wednesday, October 21st @ the CASINO ROYALE Event. Winner need not be present to win. Back to sewing hats.

It seems that when it rains, it pours. POSTAL WENDY got a call late last week in which her best friend in North Carolina who was staying in a hospice that the hospice called in the family and friends. POSTAL WENDY is up there dealing with that. Our thoughts are with----hang in there.

Is it true that DAVID ROSE is BAD DADDYS“ other white meat“?

God lord, the last two columns of TESTIE TESSIE makes you think he is having flash backs to being an English teacher.

The events of the candidates for KING AND QUEEN of FANTASY FEST are happening this week at a furious pace. Almost impossible to keep up. Whatever happens we have some great candidates and any of them will be fine representatives.

Last weekend was slow and up and down Duval. It is that time of year---enjoy it, or at least survive it----things will really start to pick up in a couple of weeks.

Everyone is trying to finish heir Fantasy Fest costume, I have figured mine out. I am going to put on an orange T-shirt and come as the Great Pumpkin.

Got an email from a couple who are coming down for Fantasy Fest. They have two sons, 10 and 8. They asked if it was appropriate to bring them. My answer was “no”. That is unless you want them sto see they might see something, anytime of the day, that they might not be able to handle. Fantasy Fest is for adults, not children. There would be nothing for them to do.

DAVID ROSE, DAVID ROSE you are not the best of house guests. Visited a friend, while you were both drunk, and stayed there. You wet the bed. Now you have another title, “The Bed Wetter.” Your picture can go on the wall next to the Mad Crapper. Good company babes.

This last weekend was OCTOBERFEST at the BOURBON STREET PUB. It was a lot of fun once it got going. Would have written about it, but frankly did not it was going to happen until Friday.

There were beer tents, Oktoberfest music, and German style food. There were also many different games and events. The Beer Pong seemed to be the most popular, but the Pie Throwing also got a number of people.

HURLIN HELEN got pitchers of beers thrown on him and then thrown in the pool. Could not happen to a more deserving guy.

Heard from a friend in Europe that gays are being increasingly harassed by young Muslims. He was basically talking about Germany and Belgium. So if you are going over the pond be aware of the problem.

Wonder if one of the events introduced in the Rio Olympics is going to mugging.

PETER RYDER arrives back two weeks from today. CUFF has delayed her arrival until later in the month.

DUELING BARTENDERS today with RANDY THOMPSON and GASSY WINDS.

Got asked what the Key Disease is. Almost always results from partying too much. Some people get here and just go berserk and party, party, party. Initial symptoms include missing work, missing appointments and/or showing up wasted. Usually winds up with person being broke and having to leave the island.

Hearing AUSSIE SCOTT will be returning this week.

Better news on AQUA SPIKE. She did injure some bones around one of her eyes, but it did not require surgery. She is getting back to normal.

Really enjoy laughing with people, but sometimes it is just fun to laugh at someone. That seems to be the purpose for DAVID ROSE and he is very good at it.

BOURBON has hired a new hunk to get their gym set up. He comes with the highest recommendation from THOMASINE who said, “He stayed with me a couple of days and did not steal anything.”

Speaking of hunks at BOURBON STREET. They have a new dancer who is to die for-----his name is SAMMY.

Do your remember blond haired JOSH (OLLIE and JOSH). He has returned after spending the summer on Fire Island. Always good to see him.

Eight guys are down here from Chicago and are they having a good time. They should, they are fun to be around.

Friday at the NEW ORLEANS HOUSE they had a guest who turned out to be the Mad Crapper. Guess it was just a shitty day. BOSTON KEVIN has a need nickname. It is the Mad Crapper. KEVIN you may want to go to a Doctor and ask them if you have the Keys Disease?

Got this from HURLIN HELEN; “ I was depressed last night thinking about the economy, my 401k, the wars, global warning, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt…

I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan.

Told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck…”

Today is BOB OBERLE’S birthday.

MICHIGAN 20, MICHIGAN STATE 26. That is two in a row.

Lots going on today. OCTOBERFEST at the BOURBON STREET PUB continues, GAY BINGO and DRAG KARAOKE at 801, and poker at AQUA

SOYBEAN was very nice yesterday. That is suspicious behavior.

Am still upset for being arrested for “gossip mongering.” There is a fine line between gossip mongering and good journalism. Personally have no idea where that line is-----hence the problem. All I know is that it will not look good on my application for the Pulitzer Prize.

RV put on his needs list Mary Jane. Well I know a Mary Jane and I will bring her over, along with her sister. Just did not know he swung that way.

In our ongoing study of the zoological varieties of wild life on Key West we continue with our findings about the native PIGS here. They include:

DEJA: PRADA PIG

RV: MOTHER PIG

FAITH MICHAELS: SWINE FLU PIG

SASSY BLACK: TOKEN PIG

RANDY THOMPSON: JUST PIG

SUSHI: MO SHO PORK

GUGI: SLITHERING PIG

INGA: SWEDISH PIG

GASSY WINDS: FLATULENT PIG

JUST WHITNEY: NICE PIG

MA EVANS: NOSE BOAR

MAMA LOUISA: PASTA PIG

There are also some interesting varieties of CHICKEN HAWKS. The older ones are called Daddies and are bad. The younger ones seem to own bars.

MICHAEL SANCHEZ dropped something on his foot and hurt it pretty bad. Watching him hop around reminds you of the Easter Bunny. Would not a psychic know that is going to happen?

The memorial for LESLIE LEONELLI is planned for Saturday, October 24 at 11 am at South Beach (the foot of Duval) with a reception following at PEARL’S.

My thoughts have been with LESLIE’S friends, especially POSTAL WENDY. They were together the last couple of years. They were “class and sass.” LESLIE certainly was class and POSTAL WENDY----enough said. LESLIE could never get POSTAL WENDY to “fem it up” successfully, but frankly, who could. Thoughts are with you.

It is October 1st----I love this month. The snow birds begin their migration back, it ends with Fantasy Fest, and most importantly, cooler weather arrives.

There is almost nobody I do not like on this this island. But here are a few exceptions. One is a current dancer down here who is underage and constantly is pushing and/or over passing the lines. His name is HUNTER or JODY or something. Every time you ask him a question he says talk to my mom. PLEASE get rid of him.

CLAUDE will be leaning soon to go to a high school reunion he is taking his old high school girlfriend. As PAUL says, “He will not be gone long.”

There are some incredibly boring people, or those who are incoherent. We actually avoided the BOURBON GARDEN BAR yesterday because of them for a while.. Sometimes JUNIOR you are on your own.

LAUNDRY STEVES birthday was fun yesterday---I think>

LOTS to report upon today. Let’s get started…

HAPPY BELATED B-DAY ENEMA! Reason I wasn’t paying attention was too busy celebrating PAUL (of CHUCK THOMPSON and)’s 40th B-day. Had to pass on the hat of the SISTERS OF 40 CLUB. Was SOOOO great to see them. Seems TX is agreeing with them both. They’re liking the “normal” lifestyle where buying mums @ Homo Depot is an event. Makes the drunken debauchery trips to Key West all the more eventful now. Plus they have a 6’ 6” single-gay friend with a great job and drives a beemer. May have to pay them a visit.

Also in town this weekend were RHETT (THE JEW) and JOHN-E (THE ORCHID BARTENDER). Both look great. Seems NYC is REALLY agreeing with John and he is actually developing an ass. Is having pictures done soon so he can do a few modeling go-sees this fall. With that smile, should be a match made in heaven. Rhett is looking to come back to KW for the Fall, so was scoping out pads and job op’s. Had news on the “Girl of 1000 voices”, PORSCHE. Season on FI ended well except for the fire that has left her with one wig, 2 dresses, and some wet CDs. But she’s up for a BIG gig (Rhett wouldn’t share details), which would be great for her. She should be back at least twice a month. Exactly when is TBD. Miss you sister. Come home soon.

Any word on SPIKE from AQUA>/b>? Heard about her scooter accident, but no updates. Feel better my dear. You owe me a game of pool!

Have to agree the JAIL & BAIL event on Sunday was a hoot and a holler. I had the Mar”keys” arrested, and they had me arrested in return. They came willingly, as they were looking forward to the strip/cavity search. I took the dramatic approach, reliving all the arrests I have witnessed since living on Petronia Street, and ended up in the BSP in my self-induced drunken/crack/meth trip trying to swim to Cuba screaming “They’ll never take me alive!”

Speaking of the Mar “keys”, LOTS of events this week.

Today: RUNWAY IN THE PROJECTS #3 @ BOURBON STREET PUB. 6 – 8PM.

Thursday: HAPPY HOEDOWN @ COWBOY BILL’S (Joint event with STACT FOR QUEEN). 8PM. CARNIVAL GAMES, DRAG BULL RIDING, PAINT A SPOT ON THE COW, and MUCH, MUCH MORE! Saturday: PIE THROWING @ BOURBON STREET PUB. TARGETS INCLUDE JOEY SCHROEDER, JIMMY GILLERAN, ENEMA, AND YOUR’S TRULY. 4PM. Also @ 4PM – ALL CANDIDATE POOL PARTY @ THE GARDENS HOTEL hosted by reigning KING & QUEEN OF FF: KATE & CAPTAIN TIMOTHY. Then @ 7PM – “A NIGHT WITH A KING” BACHELOR AUCTION @ BOURBON STREET PUB – GARDEN BAR.

Hosted by the “Queen” of Kings, GINGER KING, this event lets you bid on former Kings of Fantasy Fest for a FABULOUS night in Paradise. Kings on the Auction (not chopping) block are CAPTAIN TIMOTHY, CHRIS LIPPA, DOUG STRIPP, JEAN CLAUDE GOSSELIN, BILL HELLER, AND TOM LUNA. Sunday: ALL CANDIDATE BINGO @ 801. 5 – 7PM.

When drinking late at night and you are a well known local, 2 things to remember: 1. If you’re going to change your name to avoid another annoying drunk, try and do it convincingly, and 2. Make sure to turn off your phone before going to bed so you’re not dialing the last person you called that afternoon @ 1am and announcing how drunk and horny you are.

PS: RV, saw your shopping list on FACEBOOK. Scratch off the black mary-janes. Sorry, they didn't have taupe.

Had a tourist ask me why we call this island paradise. It has a lot to do with the weather, the architecture of Old Town, and the beautiful, beautiful water.

Personally, I call it paradise because of our local culture and the locals that inhibit here. Great outlook, lots of talent, and a great air of acceptance.

Forgot this yesterday, BOSTON BOBBI has bought a house here and will be moving shortly. She will fit right in.

Keep hearing how much fun people had with the arrests for charity. WEESA, NICK, JOHN-E really did a great job as the policemen. I got arrested for gossip mongering. Hope the event made lots of money for AIDShelp.

Have really enjoyed seeing lots of old friends visiting this weekend. It was so good to see the HULA BOYS, RHETT, JOHN-E, CHUCK THOMPSON and PAUL.

It has rained parts of each day for the last eight days. Think it is time to get the ark ready.

Am just waiting for CUFF to get here. PETER RYDER BRIAN, The Other One, is returning from three weeks off the island. We all miss you, but not likeCARLOS, the Cute One.

Went by the beach and saw three women in way too small swimming suits for them about ready to go into the water. Know where the term “dog paddle” originated.

Yesterday, I met a guy with whom I played high school football. I was not very good (I played center bench until my senior year). He remembers the tackle I would make on Art Brandstater---how would later go on and play college and professional ball. I did not try to tackle him (was a middle line backer) I just could not run fast enough to get out of the way. I was declared a hero, although the true story is something quite different.

Good lord-----this is the day after the night before, but I am functioning. May even go out and have a drink.

The girls from Boston are having a good time. CANDI wants to buy a boosteia (not spelled right, but who gives a shit). Told her that would not really help with the limited resources she has-----but she could use some of my used sweat socks.

DUELING BARTENDERS today. RANDY THOMPSON’S co-host is GODDESS.

Went into a bar and saw my name on a poster for being in a pie throwing event next Saturday. Then an hour later got asked to do it-----MANAGER BOB intimidated me, so I am doing it. It is for the MAR’KEYS and will held next Saturday at the BOURBON GARDEN BAR at 4 pm.

Another event today for charity was having the “police” arrest you for the bail. DEAN (one of the HULA BOYS) got arrested for doing the worst imitation of Kathyrin Hepburn ever. The HULA BOYS leave tomorrow and we will not see them until April.

The posters TIPSY made for my birthday should be destroyed and he should be punished. Just do not use whips-----he likes that.

Sure a lot more happened yesterday, but since I was barely functioning I did not see much pf it.

Really a good, busy weekend here. Lots of old friends are on the island. CANDI and BOBBI from Boston, also the HULA BOYS: MARK, DEAN and PEARL

Also there is DUWAYNE and LEE from Delaware.

Also our RHETT and JOHN E are down from New York. So great to see them---JOHN E has been working out and looks better than ever.

CHUCKLES THOMPSON and PAUL were here. All going well with them in Texas. It was PAUL’S 40th birthday. He does not look a day over 50.

Sad news---SPIKE from AQUA had a bike accident and broke six bones in her face. She is in Miami getting reconstructive surgery.

It is so good to see SCABBY getting better and better. Every day he seems to be more like his old self and beginning to get involved again. That is great because he is so talented.

We seem to have a new expression, “That was on OC conversation.” Translated---it was almost as boring as listening to OMAHA CRAIG’S description of his flight down.

The memorial service for LESLIE LEONELLI will be in October----time and date to be set later.

LAUNDRY STEVE’S birthday is this Wednesday.

MARK and SHAWN have a new place and gave a wonderful Open House Friday night. They are the ones who own Ziggy and Tannon.

Yesterday was my birthday. Normally do not celebrate birthdays----just glad I have them. No one would have known except for a certain reptilian motor mouth. Did have a great time------and thanks for the party. Special thanks to JUNIOR, TIPSY, GATOR, LAUNDRY STEVE, DON and TROY.

LOVE THIS ISLE OF BONES

ENEMA GONE

I have also seen the Fire Island Fire Department in action. Their golf cart is cute and is always seemingly driven by lesbians. Have you ever seen a lesbian with an axe in her hand? Sort of like Lizzie Borden in flannel.

CANDI and BOBBI from BOSTON are here for a stay. Glad to have you back girls.

JT is also back on the island. He can see him hobbling down the street.

Am an amateur zoologist who has been examining the wildlife of his island. They have some real unique creatures, such as:

The FEMALE HAIRY WILTEBEAST. These gals have lots of hair, but do not groom it very well. Show them a brush and they flee. When they see a salon they move to the other side of the street.

TWINK MONKEYS who run around in packs and giggle together. All of them are trying not to look like their age.

We have a variety of WHALES. The male whale seems to migrate here from West Virginia, and the female whale wears flannel and carries power tools. Then there is the bar whale----they sit in the bar all day and drink.

There is also one variety of OKLAHOMA RACOON that runs around a lot, but does not seem to get much accomplished.

We have unique reptiles----especially gators and turtles -----who survive off Margaritas.

We have a unique form of mussel here. They are CZECH MUSSELS. They are tough to eat, but great to look at.

We have a variety of WILD HOG. They seem to love to date older women and throw jello.

We also have a variety of LEECH that dances on bars and loves to take all your money.

Then there is the WHINIG HYENA who migrate between Alaska and here.

We also have BORING STORKS that migrate here annually from Nebraska.

We have one aging BRITISH TORTISE who only drinks J & B.

There is a whole flock of OHIO LOONS. Play the Ohio State fight song and they flock together and cackle incessantly.

We have BUZZARDS who projectile, especially when they see Russian dancers.

We have a special RAG SNAKE that circle bears and uses puppies to entice them in to his trap.

Finally we have the YAPPING IRISH GERBIL. Runs around all the time, talks way too much, and never cleans your ashtray.

As you can see we have some very unique wild life. We have not even touched on the “pigs” of Key, but more on the drag queens later.

Having two days without writing is a real vacation, but here I am again. Last time I wrote it was summer, now it is fall.

Went to DUELING BARTENDERS Monday----fun as always. When GASSY WINDS sang “If I had a Hammer” I thought someone had taken a hammer to his throat.

RANDY THOMPSON spent half the night ridiculing THE hair on my head. That girl needs to get a life.

Why is it that some weekly events make it and others do not. Of those which have DUELING BARTENDERS, GAY BINGO, Sunday DRAG KARAOKE, and LA TE DA TEA DANCE come to mind.

LINDA of EYE, EYE, EYE is in intensive care with a serious condition. Our thoughts are with you girl.

COMCAST DALE sneezed out this glob with some blood. First time I have every seen a miscarriage through the nose.

HURLIN HELEN: “ENEMA’S” dick has not seen the light of day since 1912.” (He bet me I would not write that.)

TOOTSIE: “That guy is incredible boring-----he is OMAHA CARIG 2.“

GATOR’S drag appearance is on You Tube under “Key West Gatorilicious.”

Hearing a lot about the Russian dancers at KWEST. They are supposed to be really cute. Ask HURLIN HELEN about his $100 “lunch.”

Keep hearing that AUSSIE SCOTT is returning. That would be wonderful

Rumor on Wednesday that DALE ROSMAN had died. When he heard about it, he volunteered to DJ at his memorial service.

GATOR: “When JUNIOR is bartending you need to call Waste Management to get your ashtray cleaned.”

Some one we met of Fire Island has now come to the island. He even came with a nick name---HBO JAMES. (Long story how he got the name) He is a good guy.

It is with great sadness that we report the passing of LESLIE LEONELLI, co-owner of PERALS PATIO. When ever I think of her the words dignity and grace come to the fore. When more details are available we will let you now. Our thoughts are with her family and many, many friends.

Well having just written a few days ago not much new to report upon, but there were some highlights of the weekend.

First and foremost, got an e-mail from RV BEAUMONT. It was in a bit of broken English (guess his typing has not improved since the surgery), but I will try and translate:

1. Bedrest, no standing, no smoking. Not even allowed to climb the walls.

2. Healing nicely. Lots to heal. Donor skin has been accepted. His legs are not his anymore.

3. No muscle damage.

4. Balls hanging to his knees. Penis swollen (very Europeon).

5. Dr. is doing recovery time on a ½ week to week evaluation, but hoping to be back by Fantasy Fest. Ready to host Toga Party @ Equator and Friday Street Party. Also wants to DJ.

6. Future brighter – still need cancer tests, possible chemo and radiation. Keeping fingers crossed.

7. Send well wishes to 1620 Rose Street, KW, FL 33040. No phone. Contactable through B-rad, Samantha, Heather, & Dee. Know he is also posting on Facebook. Last we heard he needed Kitty Litter and Meow Mix. Will let you all know if I hear any more.

As Jimmy reported JT fall down go boom. Heard he wants a wheelchair for when he arrives back in KW. Well, guess GRANNY should apply to SISTER SEASON.

MAR “KEYS” FOR KING EVENTS FOR THE WEEK:>/b>

Today: RUNWAY IN THE PROJECTS #2 @ BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR. 6 – 8PM.

Thursday: WRECKERS BAR NIGHT for ALL CANDIDATES @ AQUA. 6 – 8PM. Hosted by DEAN TOWNSEND and GASSY WINDS.

Friday: BAR GAMES WITH MARK “WHITNEY” @ BSP. 6 – 8PM.

Sunday: CHAMPAGNE BRUNCH @ CROSANTS DE FRANCE. NOON – 2PM. Then CANADIAN POLICE APPRECIATION DAY POOL PARTY @ BSP GARDEN BAR. 2 – 5PM. Then ALL CANDIDATE BINGO @ 801. 5 – 7PM.

GASSY is back to hosting, all be it in RV’s stead for the Sunday late show in his absence. Trying to do you proud, but the audience misses you and ain’t no way in hell I’m doing YODEL in the fat suit!!!

EDDY THE PURSE thought of a new fundraiser. SOYBEAN is going to comb her hair and for every brush stroke so much money is given. May not make much money, but the island will look better.

Have a new resident. It is KEVIN from Boston. Good guy.

POSTAL is handling GAY BINGO while RV BEAUMONT is recuperating. She does a good job.

Always get a lot of people who are serious about moving here. Have to tell them that visiting here is very different than living here. One of the best decisions I made was to move here, but there are some down sides. First, is the cost of living is high-----especially rents and generally the rental space is small. Second, although there are jobs here----usually they do not pay like they do on the mainland. Many people have to get a second job and a room mate to make it.

Third is that we do not have great shopping here-----unless you want to go to one of the tourist retail shops. Our high end shopping is K-Mart and Sears. We are closer to Havana, then to a Wal-Mart. All of these things are true, but those of us who live here consider that part of the price.

If you are thinking of moving here may I suggest renting a place for a month and see if you still like it. What you will get is a small city populated by some of the most creative, kooky folks who really do not have attitude and like to have fun.

DAVID ROSE took it hard when the Patriots lost to the Jets. He was invited to Shady Pines by a date for dinner and he started throwing the jello. (It was the good kind of jello too and they only get once a week).

JEREMY and COMCAST DALE really put one on last Sunday. It ended up with them at St. Mary’s at 4 am lighting candles for all their sins during the day.

TOOTSIE (aka TROY) birthday is today. Happy birthday babes.

Well Saturday was the annual SNIFFIN’ THE SEATS hosted by the 801 GIRLS. They were all decked out-----so much leather. RYAN got in drag and he looked good---well he has got to look good at something.

What other place would have drag queens sniffin’ the seats of bikers bikes and a straight mayor dressing in drag for a fund raiser, and all in good fun.

The bikers began really leaving yesterday. The constant din of bikes on Duval is gone. It is always a good weekend---they are great fun.

My beloved MICHIGAN STATE lost to that school from South Bend on Saturday. I have stopped whimpering and have gotten out of my room. Just want to know when basketball season starts.

The BOURBON STREET GARDEN BAR was just a fun place on Saturday afternoon. Lots of good people.

JT is now part of the BOOM BOOM CLUB. He feel in New Jersey and broken a bone in his ankle. It will require a cast.

JUNIOR and GATOR are both in the “dog house” with their boyfriends. They both deserve to be there.

PAUL THE RAG and CLAUDE’S new puppy is a French bull dog. His name is DASH and he will only grow to be about half the size of an English bull dog. Hope he does adopt PAUL’S personality and become ugly and mean.

There are no big events between now and Fantasy Fest. Traditionally a quiet time here, but when I used to be a tourist here found it one of the most relaxing and fun times to be here.

DUELING BARTENDERS today at AQUA. RANDY THOMPSON and I believe GASSY WINDS will be the co-host.

JUNIOR admitted that he is so full of shit he can poop a living room set.

Lots of discussion about the sentencing of RANDY ACEVEDO. He got three years probation, a $15,000 fine and community service. The feelings are split, but with most somewhat disappointed that there is no jail time. Many feel it is the “bubba system” in action, while others think there would be no real purpose in putting him in jail.

However, there is a much stronger feeling about MONIQUE ACEVEDO. If she is acquitted or receives no jail time you will hear the outcry. Her first trial will be in the end of October.

Got quite the geography lesson from GATOR the other day. Did you know New Hampshire is a city. Or the capital of the state of Seattle is Oregon. LSU must be proud of him.

Why is it that every time I see RANDY THOMPSON I think of the saying, “Red, red what is on your head? I rather be dead than have red on my head.”

Maybe he should take some hair coloring tips from STEVEN at SALOON ONE.

With all the bikers in town there is a constant din, but this place is hopping.

It looks like SOYBEAN is giving hair grooming tips to the homeless. They look particularly ragged lately.

Can BOURBON PUB find any more dancers from Shady Pines or have they run the course?

PAUL THE RAG and CLAUDE have a new puppy. PAUL wants to bring him to the bar, for as he says, “Nothing says blow job like a puppy/”

JUNIOR: “Yes it is diet---they use low calorie water.”

Had the Pig Roast meal at BOURBON PUB yesterday, prepared by Mr. SCHROEDER and it was excellent.

Where CRABBY DICKS used to be a new restaurant is moving in------it will be the BILMAR STATION and hopes to open by Fantasy Fest.

RV BEAUMONT is home and recuperating. Understand she can not smoke anymore and is going into a baking frenzy.

Had this said to me: ”Well I have talked enough about myself. So let me ask, what do you think of me?”

My reply: “Never ask the question unless you are prepared to hear the answer.”

Well the bikes are in town and it is a little loud. The Poker Run is today so Duval will be busy. Do not mind the noise, it is good for the island.

POSTAL WENDY will not be writing for a while. She is assisting a friend in her hour of need. Both girls take care of yourself and our thoughts are with you.

Met BRIAN and his boyfriend from Norfolk yesterday. Good guy and a true character.

NEVER SAY NEVER on Thursday night was cute and entertaining. It is supposed to be for guys you never thought you would see in drag. JT THOMPSON was probably the ugliest emcee I have ever seen. AQUA CHRIS won----he actually was quite good. GATOR and BDD DELL may I suggest you keep your day jobs. Boy you put GATOR in a dress and he gets an attitude.

Our Mayor was involved and in drag. He was a great sport. As he said to GATOR: “Do not know what you are good for, but you are better than this.”

On Friday, GATOR could not get the mascara off. He started a new fashion trend. “butch drag.”

At least in the morning it is getting nicer. Not so much humidity. Personally think early to mid October is one of the best times to visit here.

SOYBEAN does not want me writing about her when she can not read it. May I make a suggestion girl. GET CONNECTED. And why I am at it, get a comb. Your hair looks like a tattered pirate flag from the back.

Can really tell this is not my week. Yesterday there was a mix up on who was writing and today I lost my notepad. So not sure how this is going to turn out.

Hearing that there has been a shake up at the GLCC. According to the rumor MIKE CITTRO is no longer there and their Board does not want to do PRIDE FEST next year.

Pretty sure the BUSINESS GUILD would like it, but the GLCC wants to sell them the rights for it------money they do not have. If all this is true, then once again PRIDE FEST is in jeopardy. Hope someone can step up to the plate and provide the means by which this can be pulled off.

NICK and JOEY are the cutest young couple. Could put TIPSY and JUNIOR in that category, but JUNIOR is no spring chicken, and TIPSY already has an AARP card.

CARLOS (the CUTE ONE) is alone for three weeks while BRIAN (the OTHER ONE) is home visiting. CARLOS is having a good time and has gotten close to a young man who he thinks BRIAN will like when he gets home. Oh by the way BRIAN, CARLOS has moved------hope you can find it.

BRIAN we are just kidding, CARLOS is behaving himself.

Can not wait until at least the humidity breaks-----should be soon.

This has been a slow week, but I enjoy these times. It is also a time that many visitors also enjoy because it is so quiet and they have the place all to themselves.

Try to make it a habit not to promote individual candidate events, but his one I can not help. The MAR’KEYS are having a NEVER SAY NEVER SHOW with mystery people, who you would never suspect getting in drag and performing. It is 8 pm tonight at the BOURBON GARDEN BAR.

Two guys were pushing the cutest baby in a stroller through the GARDEN BAR when someone asked if the baby was JOEY SCHRODER’S new boyfriend.

CLAUDE and PAUL THE RAG are back from Spain. Why is it that every time I see PAUL the RAG I think of that song “Who let the dogs out?”

LEATHERMASTER has received a shipment of Venetian masks for Fantasy Fest. They are beautiful and pieces of art. They also are having a sale on leather items.

Well this is one of those days. Thought some one else was going to write, but they did not and we have nothing ready. See you tomorrow.

We had a good weekend with WOMEN FEST and the street fair. AQUA was packed Friday and Saturday, 801 had some very good days, and BOURBON PUB GARDEN BAR had a great crowd on Saturday afternoon when they allowed the women in during the day.

Rumor is that CUFF will be back around October 1at. Hurry girl, DAVID needs you.

DAVID ROSE has two reasons for a blow-up doll. First, it has a tongue, and second, it will not say no. From his experiences he is probably correct.

Had some great food Sunday. First MIKE from FLAMINGO’S brought GATOR one his crab cakes which I stole some. It was excellent. If you ever eat breakfast at FLAMINGO’S try the crab cake Benedict. Unbelievable. Then SPARKY brought in some fish, which was equally good. Ate well that day.

A while ago five women from a cruise ship come into a bar. Ordered numerous rounds of drink and get a $184 bar tab. They pay for them, but leave no tip for the bartender. As the one who paid said to him as she left, “Why should I, I will never see you again.” I just love it when Republicans visit the island.

The big event today for BEAR WEEK is a pool party at the OASIS from noon to five.

MR and MISS SISTER SEASON are threatening us by saying they are both going on a diet and for every pound they lose, we pay. If they are serious about it, we all could go bankrupt.

Well GASSY WINDS (aka JB)did have THE birthday party on Saturday. The buffet luncheon was excellent, followed by an informal roast. JOHN “MA” EVANS was the informal emcee for the roast----with plenty of statements by others. It was funny, touching and charming.

Many friends of GASSY’S made the trek down from Maryland and they were great fun. One of them said she had been partying since she got here. Where did she think she was going, a convent? Welcome to Key West.

One of the best stories was from JB’s mother, ANDI. When JB was five he was disciplined and reacted by packing a suitcase and informing his mom, “I am running away, call me a cab.”

As GATOR said, “How nice was that birthday with family of blood and friends. Another example of what good people bring to Isle of Bones, where everyone is number one.”

Of all the people I know and love on this island, JB has as much of my respect as anyone. He is loving, thoughtful, witty, talented and a resolve that is more than admirable.

All of this was followed by a Tea Dance DJed by JUNIOR. It was just, all in all, an excellent afternoon.

Again our thoughts are with RV BEAUMONT and we are pulling for a speedy recovery.

DUELING BARTENDERS today. Think RANDY THOMPSON’S co-host is GODDESS.

Saw DEAN TOWNSEND who is very pleased with the turnout for BEAR WEEK, especially since this is the initial year. There will be a pool party from 12 to 5 at EQUATOR.

Okay, everyone can stop ribbing me about MICHIGAN STATES lose to CENTRAL MICHIGAN. Losing is one thing, but not the way we did. Even worse MICHGAN came back to beat NOTRE DAME. All I can promise you, I will get even with OMAHA CRAIG.

DAVID ROSE would like to get a full scale blow up doll---just in case. His only worry is that she would be pretty lifeless. So how would that be any different than his usual dates?

WOMEN FEST ends today. The closing party will be at the GARDENS HOTEL (Simonton and Angela) starting at 5 pm.

BIKER WEEKstarts this weekend. This is not a gay event except when the 801 DRAG QUEENS walk down and “sniff the seats.”

BEAR WEEK is off and running. Today there will be a pool party at BIG RUBY’S from 12-4. Later there will be a dinner at MICHAEL’S.

If you want to see a complete listing of events for BEAR WEEK, go the KEY WEST BUSINESS GUILD web site and click on EVENTS.

Also the usual Sunday events. Poker at AQUA; DRAG KARAOKE at 801, and GAY BINGO in the 801 CABARET. Also do not forget TEA DANCE with JUNIOR at LA TE DA.<.B>

NOTRE DAME played UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN yesterday. If there really was a God, they both would lose.

Got really scared yesterday morning------they were setting up the WOMEN FEST STREET FAIR and four lesbians had power tools.

SOYBEAN made a shot for me----chilled the glass, then forgot to put any booze in it.

The WOMEN FEST STREET FAIR seemed to be a success----at least a good crowd. The guy who parades around with the ‘God hates fag‘ sign was there, but the girls answered him. See the photos.

Another gross understatement. SOYBEAN: “I have a hair out of place.”

AQUA SPIKE how many homes did you break up during WOMEN FEST?

RV BEAUMONT got operated on this weekend. It is something that needed to happen. Last I heard whe was doing well. Our thoughts are with her.

GASSY WINDS birthday celebration, but that is a column in itself. Tell tomorrow.

ENEMA GONE

\ Sometimes what we take for normal, others see as very kookie. Such as the SISTER SEASON PAGEANT. MR. SISTER SEASON is a female (POSTAL WENDY and MISS SISTER SEASON a guy (B-RAD) dressed in drag.

Another, a headline in today’s CITIZEN: : “Man bits shark, who wants to press charges.“ I can see how others might think it odd, but not to us.

GATOR’S dog, CHICO, had to go to the vet because he was constipated. Who would have thought GATOR’S dog is full of shit.

GASSY WINDS actual birthday was yesterday, but GASSY WINDS big birthday extravaganza is tomorrow at LA TE DA. Ought to be quite the event.

Lots of WOMEN FEST events today topped off by AQUA’S TRAFFIC JAM AND BODY PAINT DANCE PARTY starting at 11 pm.

Heard OBAMA’S speech to Congress on health care last night----it was great.

The 801 is going to have NFL SPECIALS on Sundays as you watch the game. Think they are centering on the 1 pm game.

The one unpardonable sin here is to be boring. Have you ever had a conversation interrupted to be told the story line of “General Hospital.” It was worse than a Bruce Moore and Bobby Nesbitt performance.

PAUL THE RAG and CLAUDE are still on vacation in Spain. We actually miss CLAUDE.

SOYBEAN: “So GATOR’S dog does not like to be touched in the butt. So much for the theory of “like owner, like dog.”

For almost all of us, this is a day of memory. Like everyone else I remember well those awful events of eight years ago.

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RANDY THOMPSON told me my mustache looked like old snatch. How insulting.

Then he called AQUA LAURIE “prime bull dyke.” Not sure she is prime any more.

MUMSY WINDS is in town. Although it is great to see her, just wonder if she is here for WOMENFEST or GASSY’S birthday.

This is hard for me to say, but RANDY THOMPSON really has a great voice.

When our dog gets loose he just wanders, but not VICAR DON’S dog BEAR.

When he gets loose the goes to the bar. Oh by the way DON he has a bar tab at BOURBON PUB and 801.

WOMEN FEST is of and running. Lots of fun girls in town.

Some new dancers in at BOURBON STREET. Think one of them is from SHADY PINES.

BLUE MARLIN DAVID went back to work yesterday after a weeks vacation. If you ask him how his vacation went he can not say much----he does not remember it.

JUNIOR: “When I was a dancer I had self-respect.” Sure you did babes.WOMEN FEST winds down over the weekend, BEAR WEEK starts. Hope it goes well.

Reading the best book, SOUTH OF BROAD by Pat Conroy. What a joy----do not want it to end.

There is a dancer who charges you $5 to feel his pecs. That is a bargain----because the STD is free.

Lots of confusion over the “For Rent” sign on DOGS ON DUVAL. No, Dogs on Duval is not going out of business and the For Rent sign is for a shop on Petronia.

Think I got to somebody. DAVID ROSE is mad at me for something I wrote. It had nothing to do with calling him ugly or prime meat for a pig roast. It was because I said he was going to be nice all weekend.

Hearing CUFF is going to be back in about three weeks. Can not wait.

Have seen customers barf at a bar, but never the bar tender. Interesting new experience.

WOMENFEST begins today with an OPENING PARTY from 5:30 to 8 at the GARDENDS HOTEL ---corner of Angela and Simonton. Then off to AQUA to see the AQUANETTES at 9.

Yesterday talked to a lot of people about their weekend. No one could remember it all, where they had been, or what they had done. So Key West. However, several people are going to be embarrassed when they find out.

Was not going to mention the health care debate. Can not help it. I have great insurance, but most of my friends have little or none. Others have HBO’s (which do not give me is better than national health insurance). All I ask is that you go visit a metropolitan emergency room for four hours and tell me what you think. So far this whole discussion has been about me, never us. Do not you think we might be judged by our mutual morality? If you are Jewish, Christian, or Muslim what is happening violates what we believe in as religious people-----even as being American.

RANDY THOMPSON and GASSY WINDS were celebrating their birthdays at DUELING BARTENDERS last night. GASSY is celebrating his 40th and RANDY her 26th (plus a few).

SISTER SEASON PAGEANT was a success and $3100 was made. The new MR SISTER SEASON is POSTAL WENDY and MISS SISTER SEASON is 801 B-RAD. Fun times.

Just been a fun weekend of running into old friends and meeting new ones. On Friday night it was seeing TAMMY and SURREY. Miss seeing those girls on a regular basis.

While that was going on it seems T BAG and BLUE MARLIN DAVID began to test the rum drink special. Needless to say, there was much about the evening they do not remember. T BAG ended up crashing at our house, so I had to nurse him back to health the next morning-----giving him a beer so he could get rid of the shakes.

Also saw BLUE Q DAVID whom I have not seen forever. He seems to be doing well.

Saturday was a dismal day here weather wise-----it rained all morning and well into the afternoon. Sorry for all the BBQs and REDUX SHORES PARTY at the SOUTHERNMOST. It forced people inside. Ran into STACI at the 801 nursing a hangover. Great seeing her-----another one do not see enough.

Went to the BOURBON GARDEN BAR where T BAG was rather subdued and BLUE MARLIN DAVID gagged every time he saw one of the rum drink specials.

When I left here could hear GATOR and STACI in 801 from across the street. They were tormenting SOYBEAN. She probably deserved it. Did not stay long ----they were beginning to turn on me----who did not deserve it.

Later ran into CAS JIM, CLINT, HURLIN HELEN and TROY celebrating CASA JIM’S birthday. He turned 38---for the 24th time.

Also there were the BITCH SISTERS----KELLY and SCOTT. Another couple we do not see often enough. They were in their old form and they about gave GASSY WINDS a heart attack when they told him they had cowboy boots and they would model them for him.

Today is going to be a big day. BBQ at BOURBON;; SOS PARTY AT 801, and two big events at AQUA. At 5;30 there will be DUELING BARTENDERS with RANDY THOMPSON and GASSY WINDS. They will be celebrating their birthdays. (Honestly did not think RANDY had a birth date----thought it was a hatching date.)

This will be followed by the SISTER SEASON PAGEANT. This is always fun and for a great cause. They will also be having a great silent auction. Would imagine Tuesday is going to be a quiet day on this rock.

Remember the story of the police officer who left his gun, badge, wallet in his car and it got stolen. Well the plot thickens. When the guy was caught it seems the policeman knew him and is not pressing charges. The story certainly implies they were more than casual friends. So the police officer is retiring and leaning the island. Know only one question remains, who owned the pornography and sex toys. Inquiring minds want to know.

With broken glasses SOYBEAN (aka SIOBHAN) all of a sudden looks better.

EDDY THE PURSE has given up his colostomy bag-----he could not find pumps to match the color. Can see that, it is a strange color of yellow.

Heads are beginning to roll in the school district----at least at the central office. Probably has to occur. The problems there are much more systemic than just the ACEVEDOS. If you want a new culture and climate you are going to have to invent it.

TESTIE TESSIE is right about GASSY WINDStunnel. In 1996 a guy entered, never to be seen again. He is still looking for the exit.

Lots going on today. POKER at AQUA, GAY BINGO at 801, and DRAG KARAOKE at 801. Even though WOMENSFEST does not begin until early next week, the town is filling up with the girls. Love this event, they are lots of fun. PEARLS, AQUA, 801 will be really hopping for the week.

If God does not like ugly, does that mean DAVID ROSE is going to roast in hell? However, before that happens, he should be aware that several places are looking for pigs for a pig roast and they are having trouble finding them. If I were DAVID I would be hanging low for a while.

LEATHERMASTER is having a big sale on leather and other items. Go check them out.

GATOR: “I met PEE WEE HERMANN. He did not touch me. I was too small.”(That boy is just too easy with his statements.)

JUNIOR can not sleep at night unless his DVD’s are in alpha order. That is what you call anal.

GATOR is proud he can jerk off with his feet.

VICAR DON gave GATOR a special set of jingle bells. Guess what they fit around.

Today is KICKOFF for college football. My high holy day since MICHIGAN STATE has not lost yet. Can still say “We are number one.”----well at least until this afternoon.

BRIAN to me: “So you fell into your pool---thought I heard a tsunami on Petronia.”

In that ESTHER WILLIAMS move my mine, lost one of the lens to my glasses. Did not realize until the next day when someone told me.

JUNIOR: “It tastes like ass juice.” Well he should know. Even without PETER RYDER we are still talking about anal leakage.

BOURBON PUB has the cutest new dancer. He is AJ and he is from Michigan. We grow them good up there.

BLUE MARLIN DAVID came to the bar is a disguise---a baseball hat, sunglasses----we all know what that means-----he did not take a shower.

The island has filled up for the weekend. BOURBON STREET PUB is having a BBQ every day through Monday, 801 is having its annual SOS PARTY all weekend, and AQUA is having DAVID ROSE be nice to people.

MANAGER BOB decorated the (BOURBON STREET) for the weekend. Do not know his source, but he knows where to get the tackiest shit. Does he have a discount at TACKY R‘ US?

PAUL THE RAG: “Runnin’, runnin,’,runnin’ GATOR thought is was funny, but it was gonorrhea, gonorrhea.”

Was that another rendition of Clap on?

Heard from BUDDY (formerly of the 801) back in Philadelphia. Has a job and sounds much better.

PAUL and CLAUDE are off for a couple of weeks in Spain. Claude, as an act of kindness to the rest of the island, just leave Paul there.

Talked to PETER RYDER in England and the old coot is doing well. Still planning a mid-October return.

Rumor has it that CONNECTICUT DAVID has another “love of his life.” That must be number eleven for the year. At least they all have the same name---”boyfriend.”

Also hearing from OMAHA CRAIG and all is going well with him. He just loves to irritate me---and he is very good at it.

JOHN and FRASER have left and will be back in Scotland soon. Was great seeing them.

The beat is quickening here as we head into the Labor Day weekend. Lots going on, capped by the SISTER SEASON PAGEANT on Monday night, September 7th. It will be at AQUA at 8 pm. All the bars are having special events over the weekend. Check their websites on the main page.

Immediately after Labor Day comes WOMENS FEST.. Love this event and the island rocks for that week.

Then immediately following is BEAR WEEK. This is a revival of an old event and should be fun.

JUNIOR was made an honorary Conch last Sunday at LA TE DA’S T- DANCE. That was just after he ended the event early by killing the amp.

COWBOY BILL’S has expanded and is moving into the shop next to it on Duval. Good for them.

Who does this fit?: “He is easier to get into than the community college.”

Happy September!!! Filled with sweet summer nights, a day to recognize our labors, and more Virgonian Birthdays than I have ever seen in one geographical area!

First off, I have finally had my first run-in with the Key West Police Department. No, you will not see my mug shot on the Monroe County Sheriff’s website, but someone IS running around town with my scooter battery. Now some will say that someone was trying to hot wire the Gassymobile to steal it. Others will say that this was an act of sabotage. This is what I say.

“GET A LIFE PEOPLE!!! Someone stole the battery. It’s been replaced.”

Nuff said. Well now that the Kick-off for KING and QUEEN of FANTASY FEST has happened, I can reveal that I am the campaign manager for THE MAR“KEYS” FOR KING (aka MARKEY-MARK “JUST WHITNEY” BLACKBURN and MARKEY-MARK “OLD TOWN TROLLEY” PATTERSON). RODNEY ROSS (ANGIE BABY) is handling our Media with his lover GREG and STEVEN BURRESS (MARK P’s HUSBAND) is on board as Treasurer and Webmaster. Though P&E does not publicly support any one candidate, they are allowing me in my role to post upcoming events. Our DOG WASH W/ VICKI GORDON was such a success this Sunday that we’re planning another for later in the campaign. We also had KAMAKAZIE KARAOKE @ AQUA last night. For a complete listing of ALL events, check out YOU TUBE or www.themarkeysforking.com. Plus we’re always looking for volunteers. Contact me here @ P&E if you’d like to lend a hand. Remember, all monies raised go directly to AIDS HELP.

Key West now has a new, healthy place to eat. Run by LULU of the 801 and her lover, The GREEN REPUBLIC is located @ 521 Fleming St. (diagonally across from Fausto’s). Open Sunday – Thursday from 10am to 9pm and Friday and Saturday from 10am – 11pm. For menu and daily specials, check out www.greenrepublickeywest.com. They received a 5 star review recently from 411 magazine as well.

Back to the Virgos of Key West… next week is DRAG QUEEN BIRTHDAY WEEK in KEY WEST. 9/9 – RANDY THOMPSON, 9/10 – ME, 9/11 – KYLIE JEAN LUCILLE. Not sure what the other gals have planned but a reminder of the Gassy events.

Monday, 9/7: The arrival of MUMSIE WINDS and DUELING BIRTHDAY BARTENDERS @ AQUA from 5:30 – 8:30pm.

Thursday, 9/10: GASSY’S 40TH B-DAY SHOW @ 801 – 11pm. Saturday, 9/12: GASSY’S 40TH B-DAY BASH @ LATEDA. 3pm – CELEBRITY ROAST 4:30pm – TEA DANCE w/ DJ Junior

BEARFEST and WOMANFEST soon to come as well. Keep reading!

September 1st---can not believe how fast this year is going. This is a great month----football is back and so is my birthday.

Rumor: B-RAD is wearing a T-shirt and G-string to work----may these tired old eyes never have to see that. Hope it is not real, just a nightmare.

Sunday was great fun at the 801: GATOR behind the main bar, GAY BINGO with RV BEAUMONT upstairs, and later GAY KARAOKE in the main bar. Really good place on Sundays.

If you have never been to GAY BINGO it is almost a must----even if bingo is not your favorite game. It is a hoot.

The candidates are off and running for the KING AND QUEEN OF FANTASY FEST. Every week until the end of October there will be numerous events. We have two locals with the same nick name---MARKY MARK who decided to join together to run as a pair for FANTASY FEST KING. They are calling themselves the MAR’KEYS-----now is that not clever.

Although we have been saying this all summer, it is now official----tourism is up this year over last year for the summer months. We have all felt we have been busier than last year. Just hope there no evacuations and we will have had a good summer.

HURLIN HELEN: “Use PISTOL AND ENEMA as toilet paper before I read it.” Now I believe in recycling, but really babes think a little about hygiene.

Yesterday watched RANDALL (aka RACOON) work. It made the Three Stooges look sophisticated. He is originally from Oklahoma-----now I know where the term “Okie” comes from.

Remember that old TV ad for the Clapper----when you clapped your lights went on and when you clapped again they went off. Well it seems the Clapper has made its return to the BOURBON STREET PUB-----at least the clap on part.

BOURBON has some great dancers, but one here now looks like a little baby. Asked him if he had graduated from Miss Twinky’s Kindergarten School yet and when he replied realized he probably has not entered yet.

Ate at SALSA LOCO Saturday night-------have not eaten there in over a year because the two previous meals I had had were less than mediocre. Well Saturday nights meal fell into that same category----could not eat it. In their defense, the person who ate with me had an excellent meal.

Although not the busiest weekend ever, there are enough great visitors here to make it fun. Especially love the guys from CHARLOTTE. They fit right in.

Honestly think the ACEVEDO story with the Monroe County schools is sad. But this kind of corruption should not come as a shock. What do you think you are going to get when you mix nepotism, an entrenched Bubba system and some of the most relaxed accounting policies imaginable.

RANDY and MONIQUE are about ready to join a fine tradition of corrupt public officials. In 2005 JACK LONDON, county mayor, was arrested at the airport for taking a bribe and accepting a house in Ireland. In 2007, the County Attorney, Jim Hendrick, was convicted of tampering in the LONDON affair. Neither served a day in jail.

But these were not the best ones. In 1995 the Deputy Chief of Police and thirteen other policemen were indicted on running one of the biggest cocaine operations in the states. Many served jail time. It was called the “Bubba Bust.”

Then of course there was BUM FARTO, the fire chief. In the mid-70’s he was indicted for selling cocaine out of the fire station. He fled the indictment and has never been found. (I did not invent that name, I could not make that up).

So RANDY and MONIQUE you join a fine tradition of poor public service and pilfering. (Oh, by the way, RANDY, if you did not know, you were just plain stupid.

Why was SOYBEAN (aka SIOBHAN) covered in syrup the other day? Is she getting kinky again?

JUNIOR has tried being nicer this week and not so “fiesty.” Result is pretty boring.

Guess who got found guilty of all three counts of interfering with the investigation of his wife? Yes, our own RANDY ACEVEDO. He will be sentenced next month. Reaction has been pretty positive.

Acevedo’s wife will start her trial this fall. Wonder if they can share the same jail cell. Wouldn’t that be a good move for Lifetime.

A KEY WEST POLICE OFFICER had his car stolen that included his gun, badge, wallet and briefcase in it. When the car was recovered so were all the items PLUS some bags continuing pornography and various sex toys. That is our cops always living up to the motto of “Be Prepared.” Only in Key West.

Sorry to hear AQUA LAURIE’S hairdresser died. We think it was from loneliness and starvation.

Had this great idea. If POSTAL WENDY is going to run for MR. SISTER SEASON, I should run for MISS SISTER SEASON. But when I told them my talent they informed me that it was not talent, just disgusting. Well I will be, someone with standards on this rock.

Yesterday was the funeral of TEDDY KENNEDY. It was sad, but at the same time a celebration. If you are my age, the Kennedys were guiding lights through rough time. As a generation of liberals, many of whom were gay, we loved them. We always thought there was at least one important government official who was on our side. God speed TEDDY, and fond thoughts of his brothers. It is the end of an era, but not an end to the “Dream.”

Only one week until kickoff. If you have forgotten the words to the MICHIGAN STATE FIGHT SONG I can help you.

A visitor from the mainland said to me: “How come everyone that lives in Key West is eccentric?” I replied: “We don’t consider ourselves eccentric. Mainlanders to us are eccentric-----they are so normal.” It is all in the perspective.

RYAN has been back for less than two weeks and we are already organizing a fund raiser to get the money to send him back to Alaska---one way of course.

Some people just make it too easy-----one of those is GATOR. Example, two statements he made in less than five minutes. “You do not expect anything long from me?”, followed by, “I am just a simple case.”

Think VICAR DON and T-BAG were having sex in the bar the other day------VICAR DON found his big toe.

You know DAVID ROSE might be one of the whitest people I have ever seen. Realize he is my definition of a dork.

Might be time to revive my clothing line WRONG, JUST WRONG. Have seen one guy a couple of times that you have to stare at. Yesterday he had on black shoes, black socks, plaid shorts and one of the brightest Hawaiian shirts I have ever seen. Hope he was not cruising. He looked worse than MANAGER BOB in his Ohio State gear.

This was followed by a large woman with two of the biggest jugs I have ever seen wearing a tight fitting orange top. She sat across from me at the bar and I felt it was Halloween and I was staring at two huge pumpkins. Actually made some of SOYBEANS (aka SIOBHAN‘S) ,/b> outfits look chic.

Hearing JILL and SANDY are vacationing in the beautiful state of Michigan. That is great------just do not let anyone know you are originally from Ohio. Hurry home, we miss you.

The contestants for KING and QUEEN OF FANTASY FEST were announced last night. Running for KING are RALPH GARCIA, and running as a pair the MARKKY MARKS (MARK PATTERSON and MARK BLACKBURN. Running for QUEEN are VICKI GORDON and STACI STAHL. In each category the contestant that raises the most money in the next two months wins. All the money goes to AIDSHelp.

In his next life HURLIN HELEN wants to come back as a small bird------a swallow. He has been practicing and is getting pretty good.

So good to have JOHN and FRASER here, even for a short time. Give FRASER a few drinks and try to understand him with that accent.

MARCEL (BOURBON STREET) is off on vacation. He knows where all the fun spots are-----and he picked Muncie, Indiana. Have fun watching the corn grow. We need to get him a life.

BUDDY (formerly of Leathermaster) has moved back to Jacksonville to be closer to his family.

DANCER LEE and many of his boys will be back for FantasyFest.

Lots of good candidates for KING and QUEEN of FANTASY FEST. They will be officially announced tonight in a show at SOUTHERNMOST.

The WEST VIRGINIA boys have returned up north. They are our neighbors and I can always tell when I do not hear the tap, tap, tap of DAVID’S hammer first thing in the morning.

Lots coming up. LABOR DAY next weekend, immediately followed by WOMENSFEST and then BEAR WEEK. Last year at this time we had evacuated twice, with the third evacuation cutting WOMENS FEST short. This year nothing, with no storms in sight. Hope it lasts.

This week has been quiet. Know it is not good for business, but really do like it when this rock is not crowded and you have time to spend with friends and other locals.

POSTAL WENDY’S column yesterday was something else. “Loping off penises?” Where does she come up with this stuff? Sincerely worried about her thought processes. First it was auto-fellatio, then anal bleaching, now penis extractions.

POSTAL WENDY is running for MR SISTER SEASON. She may not win, but can almost guarantee she will be the butchest.

Most redundant statement ever: “that dumb fuck from Ohio.”

I am sorry it has been so long since I last wrote. Sometimes life just happens and you have to take time to take care of one’s self. For all of you who inquired about my absence, thank you for your kind words and for missing me, but after this post, you might have wished that I had stayed silent.

I was sent an email from a friend of mine, (the same one who got me writing about autofellatio). She was wondering about Napoleon Complex. It is said that Napoleon had a very small penis, hence his wanting to concur all of Europe.

So today we say a man has Napoleon Syndrome, if he makes up for his Inadequacies in bed by having to have BIG things everywhere else in his life. Examples, maybe, a jacked up truck with oversized tires. Or, driving a Hummer on a 2 x 4 island. I personally think it also explains why politics were formed. Think about it, a man can’t satisfy his lover in bed, so he runs for public office so he can screw over the people. So now he’s fucking all of us, and now NO ONE is satisfied.

At his death, it is rumored that someone went in during the autopsy and cut off his penis, to prove to the world that Napoleon had a little one. This penis was then auctioned off to the highest bidder, who as it so happens, was a man.

Now why would a man want another man’s loped off penis? As a woman who loves women, I would NEVER, and let me repeat….NEVER, bid on or actually buy one of, let’s say, Dolly Pardon’s, Pamela Anderson or Jennifer Lopez’s breasts (real or implants) upon their deaths. I am sure this is why it is illegal to sell body organs; can you just picture the man who decides he wants to collect penises from the dead and powerful? And can you picture his guest list at his dinner parties? I’m sure Jeffery Domer would NOT have been invited, who knows who would have come up missing after dessert.

I will be taking Tessie’s challenge in my next post…stay tuned.

Also I am running for MR Sister season (Since I have been told that there isn’t a drag queen on this rock that can fem me up enough to run for MS.) so come on by and see the show at Aqua on Monday Sep 7.

Also you can email me with questions or comments at mspridefest2008@yahoo.com . Just remember anything you say may end up in this column.

Greetings all! Well even though TROPICAL HEAT is over for another year, the HEAT of Florida continues to rage on. I can deal with HOT, but now with the height of hurricane season approaching, hence comes the rain, and with it, HUMIDITY. God how I wish this fat suit had an internal cooling system.

JOHN and FRASER are back from across the pond for a brief visit. Though it seems there was a bit of a packing mishap before leaving Scotland. A few less pints before getting on the plane might have helped.

Tried to get through >b>TESTIE TESSIE’S column the other day, but it was a bit water logged from being out at the Garden Bar so long. I realized it was still there because the column ITSELF was so long. Try writing a bit more regularly darling and then we won’t have to wade through “War and Peace II”.

Showed up @ AQUA last Thursday to participate in the benefit for SMART RIDE (Fat suit, roller-blades, etal), only to find DAVE ROSE in an empty bar playing Wii Bowling. Seems it had been rescheduled for and no one bothered to tell yours truly. LAURIE, you owe me BIG TIME!

Monday night brought the return of me to the microphone upstairs at 801, hosting the late show while DEJA and SUSHI are gallivanting around the Big Apple for a week. It’s amazing how much more enjoyable the show can be when you actually REMEMBER what you said the next day. Speaking of their trip, DEJA is getting to see her first Broadway show. How exciting. MARY POPPINS. Like she doesn’t see enough of that every Sunday!

Will someone please stop by HEADLINES today and remind NANCY that as much as we LOVE her at the show, a dress with straps will keep those jugs a bit more covered on stage. Make sure she has plenty of coffee and Advil today girls.

Of course the big event of this week happens on FRIDAY with the announcement of this year’s candidates for KING AND QUEEN OF FANTASY FEST @ SOUTHERNMOST HOUSE from 6 – 8PM. Although yours truly knows who is running, we are sworn to secrecy until then, as people may still sign up until the last minute. I will say this year’s competition should prove to be an interesting race. But when all is said and done October 23rd, lest we not forget that all the money raised will go to AIDS HELP to continue all of their efforts. Good luck to all and here’s to raising LOTS of money in these trying economic times.

And finally, this Thursday will mark my 6 MONTH Anniversary of sobriety. Thank you again to the community that is Key West who have helped me adapt to this new lifestyle. But if any of you know of a doctor who will let me have ONE Wild Turkey Manhattan on my birthday, let me know. I mean you only turn 40 once, right? (Just kidding Mom!)

The other day caught up with the WEST VIRGINIA BOYS and BRUCE and BUNNY about noon. That caused me to be in the bag by 2:30.

Over the weekend met lots of tourists, many of whom are avid readers of PISTOL AND ENEMA. However, it did seem half were from Kentucky.

SAM (formerly of BOURBON PUB and now LA TE DA) had his birthday Sunday------he is now 30. Unfortunately, missed his celebration-------just blame it on GATOR.

You know SAM is the only person I know that makes DAVID ROSE seem sophisticated.

After all the good parties associated with TROPICAL HEAT I want to know who cleans them up and what do they find? Maybe I just do not want to know.

Now it is on to LABOR DAY and WOMENSFEST. Some more great fun there, but may enjoy the rest before those storms.

The KING and QUEEN SISTER SEASON CONTEST will be on Monday, September 7th at AQUA at 8 pm.

Went to DUELING BARTENDERS with RANDY THOMPSON and GODDESS last night. Excellent as usual and they were on a tear.

RANDY T.: “Every time I see GATOR it is too much.”

The loneliest person on this island is LAURIE’S hairdresser.

RANDY T did not have a wig on, just his natural hair. Think he looks better with that wig that looks like a pig’s ass.

TROPICAL HEAT is now over, and by the vast majority considered a great event. The guest houses were full and the Pink Triangle was busy and hopping-----unlike both Lower and Upper Duval who complained of it being a slow weekend.

Talked to a lot of visitors of TROPICAL HEAT and they were having a great time. It was also another example of a well planned and carried out. Kudos to DEAN TOWNSEND, and the BUSINESS GUILD OWN JOHN and IAN. This is what happens when you get a very experienced event organizer involved.

Look at the events which are very successful like FANTASY FEST, WOMANS FEST, BARE IT ALL WEEKENDS, and now TROPICAL HEAT. They are not run by committees, but rather get input maybe from a committee and then put experienced organizers in charge to carry it out.

I think events like those above are the way to expand travel here. The world has changed, and continues to change, These type of specialized events are what attracts new people----it may be our future.

The only criticism I heard of Tropical Heat was the expense of it---many locals were not able to participate.

Now to the gossip. BRIAN: “I just lost my cell phone in CARLOS’ butt.”

Think RYAN and AQUA CHRIS are becoming an item. Does CHRIS need to see my optometrist?

What is that things on JUNIOR’S lips? Could it be herpes?

DUELING BARTENDERS tonight at AQUA with RANDY THOMPSON and GODDESS.

Hearing lots about on Friday night and BOURBON STREET on Saturday nigh. They must have been quite the spots. Knew it was going to be something at BOURBON STREET when they got the foam machine ready and put mattresses on the balcony.

Do not know who let PAUL THE RAG out in the afternoon on Thursday, but he was on a tear.

Some of the things PAUL did included giving JUNIOR lunch in two glasses that looked like warm wonton soup. It wasn’t, it was too salty.

He then proceeded to give foreskin shots to tourists and then more. Hear he is tight.

PAUL: “Never go to New Orleans---had to shave my entire body to get some sex.”

CLAUDE you train your dogs well-----how come you can not do anything with PAUL?

TROPICAL HEAT is going well-----events are fun and busy, even if they cost you. Today is the final event with BRUNCH ON THE NILE at ISLAND HOUSE from 11 to 2.

WEESA what did you do with your hair. It looks like a row of corn in a barren field.

In less than two weeks college football starts. My high holy day is kickoff eve----Michigan State has not lost yet. We are NUMBER ONE.

DANIEL , the cute bartender at BOURBON PUB is returning to Miami today. We will sure miss looking at him.

There is nothing like WEST VIRGINIA DAVID with his little hammer in the morning. If I do not hear it I think there is something wrong.

Okay----everyone is asking about my bar tab on the cruise ship-----it was $2800. Think I showed a great deal of moderation.

Getting a lot of questions about promoting individual King and Queen Candidate for FANTASYFEST events in the column. We do not do that, because that is what the whole column would be for two months. Candidates, for a small fee, can place their logo on the website with a connection to their web site.

Lots of good stuff going on today. At five is GAY BINGO with RV BEAUMONT at the 801 Cabaret and DRAG KARAOKE<‘B> at 801 around 5:30. Also POKER at AQUA at 3 and 6.

The REAL definition of what it means for DAVID ROSE is now coming out. Does it include going to Denny’s late night and eating other peoples food when they are not in their chair? And does it include his behavior at the BOURBON PUB POOL Monday night? Think so.

SOYBEAN (aka SIOBHAN 801) has not gone through menopause yet. Can you imagine what that will be like------might be a whole new definition of bitch.

Well the remnants of Tropical Storm Ana came through on Wednesday giving us jut a glorious day with lots of sunshine and a nice breeze. Hurricane Bill is now heading well away from us and we are expecting a beautiful weekend with possible trouble in sight.

RYAN, after being in Alaska for five months, is the whitest person I have seen in a long time.

PACO is back in town and dancing at the BOURBON PUB. Not only great to look at, but equally nice guy.

TROPICAL HEAT is off and running. Today is the TOGA PARTY at the EQUATOR RESORT from 7-10. This will be followed by the ROMAN STEAM DANCE PARTY at AQUA from 11pm on.

Is it rue that VICAR DON has a foot fetish? T BAG says it is true. Now how would he know?

FAITH MICHAELS birthday was yesterday. Went looking for her to wish her well, but was afraid I would step on her.

SPIKES ON BIKES was delayed until next Monday at AQUA. RYAN is rumored to be really working BIG EARS CHRIS from AQUA. Does CHRIS really like that white of a boy?

SAM (formerly of BOURBON and now LA TE DA) is having his 30th birthday party on Sunday.

The KICK OFF PARTY for TROPICAL HEAT last night at BIG RUBY’S was just excellent. It was jammed, the food was good, as was the entertainment. This could be the best TROPICAL HEAT ever.