LITTLE DAVID is back to work as a yard rat at BOURBON STREET after being out when he had his appendix out. Appears his productivity is the same-----very little.

When to eat at MANGO’S Monday night. The front deck was nice, with a wonderful view of Duval. The service was great. Then we got our food. One thought it was great, one thought his was mediocre, one thought it was bad and ate it, while I could not. Am sorry to say this, but will not be going back soon.

GATOR and his cousin went out on a Sebago sunset cruise and really enjoyed it. They loved being with SAPTAIN SASSY.The beginning of this year has been a disaster for the water sport companies. The cold has prevented people from going and now the water is too cold for many to go into it. Let’s hope it improves as we get into spring.

It is SPRING BREAK time and this place is super busy. The streets are jammed at night and you can not find a place at Smathers Beach during the day. Can get a little loud, but that is all part of Spring Break. Actually think there are more Spring Breakers here this year than in years past----right now mostly from Florida schools.

Do not think there is a GAY SPRING BREAK this year. If there is have not heard about it. That is okay----it was never very successful in getting gay college students here.

Stopped by KWEST the other night with PETER RYDER. Like that place during the day for quiet conversation. They have a new bartender, did not get his name, who is really cute.

ROY (aka TIE-DYE ROY or NANOOK OF THE NORTH , had his birthday Monday. What a sweet heart. TIPSY went out of his way to make some appropriate posters.

Do you remember the MAD CRAPPER who despoiled BOURBON STREET twice in two days? Well he seemingly has returned to the BOURBON PUB, but he seems to be avoiding JUNIOR and DONE, and we hope the bathrooms. You know my standards and sense of dignity are pretty low, but if I was known as the MAD CRAPPER, I might stay away.

CHRIS, GATOR’S cousin left yesterday. What a great young man and a lot of fun. Hope to see him again.

If you have not read DUCHESS and LULU’S column ACROSS THE POND lately, do so. It is a stitch. It can be found on the main page under Regular Columns/

GATOR’S cousin,CHRIS, from Michigan has been visiting for the last few days. What a great young man----and he can cook too.

It is so good to have RHETT and JOHN-E here for a visit. They are such good people and also funny. It brings back memories of some great times. Rhett’s boyfriend, GIOVANNI is also here and he is a cutie.

It was Scottish JOHN’S birthday Sunday. Do not know which one it was, but sure it was up there.

The weather is finally warming up here. It is about time.

Am pretty much an afternoon drinker. Have been noticing that some bars and shifts are crowded and others are almost vacant during the afternoon. There are several theories why, with the two most stated are who is the bartender and the other is location. To me there is no doubt that the personality of the bartender is very important. If they are friendly and talk to people they get them in. Also important is location. Being on a corner, like the 801, really seems to help. Also noticed that a bar with lots of people attracts more people.

Have heard that the OSCAR parties at THE BOURBON STREET PUB and AQUA were well attended and fun.

TIME CHANGE: Previously stated the Chile Cookoff for the XENA FUND and SISTER SEASON FUND at DONNY’S was at 4 pm on March 14. I was wrong (can you believe that). It is from 2 to 4 pm.

The OSCARS were last night and I kept my 45 year streak going. I have not watched them for that long, so I have no comment on them.

SOYBEAN has won a Green Award. It is amazing how she has taken her used underwear and pajamas and re-cycled them into day time wear.

To the readers from Iowa who inquired if JUNIOR had grown. The answer: no he has not. We still have to keep him behind the bar so no one steps on him.

Why did HURLIN HELEN call PETER RYDER a Quaalude?

What is this about TIPSY buying JUNIOR a four pound box of KY?

PETER RYDER: “You get rid of the crabs by dumping some sand down there and let them stone each other to death.”

BUNNY and BRUCE are going on their first cruise starting today. BUNNY: “The only thing I will not go down on is the boat.”

Reminder of the XENA FUND and SISTER SEASON FUND’S CHILI COOKOFF next Sunday at 4pm at DON’S PLACE on Truman and Grinnell.

Okay, here’s one that could only happen in Key West. This woman was driving down Highway 1 and started to shave her private area. She had her passenger, her ex-husband, take the steering wheel. She was on her way to a date with her new boyfriend and wanted to be ready Well they got in an accident. The responding policeman said it was crazier than the guy he stopped with five needles sticking out of his arm.

GATOR’S birthday is Thursday, March 11th, but he does not want people to know.

Dancer Lee’s boys (Chris & Matt) from Michigan left us this week and to Helens surprise they left a gift of Beautiful Flowers. ‘Lee they are in my spank bank forever’. Move over Jake, Orion, Hunter and the cabbage patch boys from Kwest! They have it all, youth, personality, looks, politeness, cleanliness and now class! Best of all it’s the only thing that I got from a dancer that I didn’t have to pay for…and it didn’t make me itch next day! Warm thank you boys!

Junior’s announcement of the new Brick oven at the BSP bbq area was in poor taste but he had company, Desi- ray from 801 will be cooking up a special dish in Rhett’s & Jon E honor; blackened Jew fish & fries! Welcome back boys! And check out Giovanni yummy! The two anti Semites need to be shot! (Peppermint will do)

Craig (better known to some as Fat Fuck) was out and about this week.(have not seen him in a while) First spotted him at the Garden Bar telling the story, of being a state trooper, also having his PHD, and now owning a coffee bean factory in Hawaii? Then I saw him at the front bar the same day and had some poor tourists listening to another story that his family owns a huge parking garage, and some very well known Hotels, Sheraton and the Marriott?

Helen thinks he suffers from DUB (delusional unemployment boredom). Two words come to mine “FRUIT LOOPS!”

Hello what the F?*K is going on with PRIDE FEST, Its three months away and still no schedule of events? Pride fest belongs to all the Community! I encourage all to do what you think promotes your business and puts money in your pocket

(Unlike Tropical Heat). And if what you do is not part of the KWBG then“ Shame on them for not being part of you!”

After reading Thursday’s column from a visitor? I must say the board of directors for the Key West Business Guild (KWBG) must be blind and deaf or just part of the fraternization that is going on with its director. Its web site, director nor board should be for sale! I smell changes coming and it is about time!

So after landing my  new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, Helen lasted  less than a day....

About two hours  into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman  walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the  way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there.  Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?  Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.  Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' Helen was promoted to customer!

Quote of the day

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die!

The BOURBON STREET PUB is moving all these bricks to out by the grill. We could not figure what they were doing until we realized that RHETT THE JEW was in town and they were probably making him a big, new oven. Good to have him here from NYC.

Have you noticed all the gray hair DESIRAY is getting. She is beginning to look like MUMSY WINDS.

Am very sad that GASSY WINDS is taking a break from writing for this column. However, can fully understand. When she gets her creative juices flowing again she will come back.

All of our thoughts and prayers are with POSTAL WENDY as she begins another bout with the Big C. She is one we all love, even with her demented sense of humor. She has had quite the year, but is always out there working for numerous organizations and being a wonderful person.

SOYBEAN is a little taken back by all the things I said about her when she was sick. I was just being very American and beating someone when they were down.

JOHN-E, a former BOURBON STREET BARTENDER, and currently from NYC, will be dancing tonight at the BOURBON STREET to raise money for RV BEAUMONT.

Well it seems the column of Wednesday regarding the KEY WEST BUSINESS GUILD created a big stir. Some thought it was a dig on the ISLAND HOUSE. It was not----all the ISLAND HOUSE is doing is promoting itself. What it said was that the BUSINESS GUILD’S mission is to promote all gay businesses in Key West and it is not doing that and that is what dues are paid for.

Key West is a very diverse gay community and there are numerous places gay visitors can stay and places to go and have a great time. Our gay guest houses and gay friendly guest houses, our bars and restaurants reflect that diversity. Each has its own flavor and price range. What one may like, another will not, but you are all welcome. The Business Guild should be promoting that and they are not.

This is not the first time, nor the only instance, where the Business Guild was said to have only promoted the Island House. Maybe it is time to look into this issue.

The weather report for my return to work is as follows. There are tornadoes to the north and south, together with hurricanes and typhoons to the east and west. With one giant worm hole located at 400 Whitehead Street. And somebody just turned out the lights. Other than the fact I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel everything is just fine. HELP!!!! I don’t think I am ready to go back to work just yet. I feel as if I have fallen and I can’t get up.

The Strip-a-thon for WOMANKINDMs. Pridefest Lacey for all the help in keeping this event going. Once Leslie passed Lacey stepped up and offered to help me complete what had been in the works for 18 months. I can’t thank her enough not only for the fundraiser but for the moral support in making me do it. THANK YOU Lacey you’re a doll. We don’t know the totals as I write this but I know we made over $2000.

THANKS also to all who donated clothes, who modeled and performed. And a special thank you to Aqua, Jill, Sandy, Neil and Laurie. Without all of you none of this would have been possible.

I was a little disappointed that there weren’t more men there supporting WOMANKIND. I know you all have mothers. And most have sisters and friends who are women. I’m just sayin”!

So other than being busy with the fundraiser, I have been called back to Miami by the Dr. it seems my hell is not over yet. Some of the tests came back positive, and I have to have more tests run and another biopsy done. This time they are looking at my breasts. So please keep the positive energy and good thoughts coming.

I am spending time trying to wrap my head around all that is happening. So if you don’t see me around for a little while, I am fine, just need some time to get ready mentally for the next battle ahead of me.

(Received the following via e-mail. It is very interesting so am sharing with you.)

I recently visited some of my friends that live and work in Key West. I was surprise to learn that you’re local Gay Chamber called Key West Business Guild has decided to become the poster child for one business Island House. When I called to get their advice on where to stay, they promoted only one location and even brag that it was there favorite place. I asked if there was any other place that they could recommend, the person on duty try to sell me on all the amenities that the Island house has to offer.

I was able to do their trolley tour as well, and again was shock that the only site on the tour that was mention at great length and recognition was the Island House.

I have met several good people that work at other guesthouses and several that work at the local gay bars and restaurants. I mention to them my clear observation and all stated that the Guild has become the sales agent for the Island House. I am surprise that other guesthouse and business would support such behavior.

Chambers are supposed to be neutral and support all business that belong. After visiting there web site and the events listed ,it is very clear that they have sold their mission statement and integrity to a very deep pocketed guesthouse and are given the impression to the outside world that Gay Key West is the Island House.

I am glad that I found out on my own that Gay Key West is made up of several historic places, many local businesses and very interesting people. It takes more than one location to make a Gay Community and your local Gay Chamber has clearly lost that fact.

Question: If Key Westerners sit around a bar and play and dance to the theme from Hawaii 5-0 with an impending tsunami on the way, do Hawaiians do the same to Margaritaville when a hurricane is about to hit us?

A wise writer once said, “Every good story has a beginning, a middle, and an end.”

To Begin…

Well most importantly, February 28th has come and gone and I am officially one year sober. Went to my meeting @ MCC Sunday night to get my 1-Year chip, and was given something very special. RICK (GODDESS) had mentioned to me once during DUELING BARTENDERS that he had something that he had held onto for many years and with my impending anniversary; felt I was the right person to pass it on to. Instead of receiving the usual chip, I was presented with a gold plated with green accent 1-year chip that belonged to the late RHONDA RIVIERA who had been an AA sponsor to many Key Westerners in the past, as well as being a celebrated member of the community. I cannot begin to say how honored I am to have received and been entrusted with this, and will cherish it until I can pass on the tradition. Thank you so much Rick.

Middle of the Road…

Got to see the final dress rehearsal of THE FULL MONTY @ WATERFRONT PLAYHOUSE last Wednesday and thoroughly enjoyed it. Never saw the stage version while I was in New York, and was pleasantly surprised. Some very clever music, and as DAVID BLACK said, “With a book by Terrance McNally, how can you go wrong?” Though the show is about the MEN and all their performances are wonderful (I would watch MICHAEL MCCABE do long division as long as he sang and wore nothing but cowboy boots while he did it), the women truly make the evening. TRACY REYNOLDS as the lovelorn wife and LAURIE BREAKWELL as the not-so-materialistic wife show they’ve got the vocal pipes and the comic chops to keep up with all the testosterone. But NO ONE can compete with the show stealer that is ROBIN COOK as Jeannette, the ex-vaudevillian rehearsal pianist. Once she hits the stage, her ballsy, trash talking one liners are gems, and her 11 o’clock number “THINGS COULDN’T BE WORSE” (I think that’s the title) is the crown. Then you meet her after the show and she’s sweet as pie. A thoroughly enjoyable evening of theatre. Oh, and did I mention the boys get “nakeys” at the end?

Bring It On Home…

With this first year of not drinking behind me, a lot has changed in my life, and more changes are happening every day. With that said, I have decided that this will be the last edition of The Gassy Grapevine, at least for the foreseeable future. I was looking over my last few postings, and two words kept popping into my head: “Repetitive” and “Preachy”. Now that I don’t go out as much as I used to, I really don’t have my finger on the pulse of Key West anymore; so unless it happens at work or I’m at a special event, it’s already been covered. And P&E is supposed to be a fun website that reports on all the wild & crazy goings on that makes our island so special and why so many people return to it year after year. I’m not here to be Dr. Phil. You don’t need (or want) me to tell you how to live your lives. As I was reminded the other night, “Life is a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death.” So eat up everyone! It’s all about portions anyway =). Party on ENEMA, GATOR, TESSIE, HELEN, and WENDY. And thank you Key West and the world for reading.

Am still getting over Canada defeating the US for the Gold Medal in the Olympics. Think people have had enough of me singing “O Canada.” My hangover lasted until this morning when I woke up to a Canadian breakfast---eggs and a beer.

Okay, it is March 2nd---I want warm weather. It is still in the sixties here and if it gets up to the 70s it is raining. What a winter. I think Key West forgot to pay their power bill for heat.

Lots of great tourists have and are visiting us, especially the ones from Ft. Lauderdale, Michigan and Chicago. Lots of fun.

DANCER LEE has sent down a couple of new dancers who are cute and very nice. However, do have one bitch, they are all University of Michigan fans. Lee, can not you get some State fans?

SCABBYhas been in town for a couple of days with his good friend ANNIE. He is leaving today, but will be back in April.

SOYBEAN came back to work last night. She is still not a 100%, but a lot better.

Long time resident, and friend to many of us, HAL WILHELM died suddenly over the weekend. As of now no plans have been made for a memorial service. If you would like to donate to his wife, CLAIRE, you can contact 801 PAUL or e-mail keys wolf@aol.com.

JUNIOR does not stop talking even in his sleep. He is truly a motor=mouth 24/7.

Despite some confusion in dates, PRIDEFEST will be June 9 through 13th.

FRASER and JOHN, our good friends from Scotland, should be here today or tomorrow. Will be great to see them.

KEITH, from Leeds, England, leaves today. A great guy who really likes Key West.

JAKE, the dancer at BOURBON STREET, lost a bet with MANAGER BOB so he had to wear Ohio State underwear while he was dancing. That must have been hard for a Michigan fan.

CURRY was in BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR Friday night. Problem is he does not remember it. So we used our creative little minds to tell him all the horrible things he did not do. He was fine, but when he left he did a wonderful impression of a monkey in front of Bobby’s.

BILLY looks butch until:

A. he talks

B. he walks

C. he makes any body movement at all

D. all the above

JUNIOR, when asked what was on his face: “It is my jaundice, I want to look like GASSY WINDS.

GATOR: “That tsunami was fast. It got from Chile to Hawaii faster than a cruise ship.” Now isn’t he Mr. Science.

The HULA BOYS, MARK and DEAN endured the tsunami in Honolulu by getting up early and drinking in their ninth floor condo. They had their fishing poles ready.

Of course we made a party out of it, led by JUNIOR. We actually called them and JUNIOR played Hawaii Five O for them.

Honest to God we can make a party out of anything, including natural disasters. The next event we can celebrate is Croatian Independence Day.

Am very happy the tsunami was a non event. The world does not need another disaster.

Was with some people and during the conversation the statements of “wonderful person” and “wonderful couple” kept coming up. Honestly have never lived anywhere where those phrases were used so much. This is a wonderful place, full of wonderful men and women.

Yardrat DAVID was having stomach problems and finally saw a doctor who immediately had his appendix taken out. He is doing fine now, but the picture of his open incision is just over the top.

BRIAN (of BOBBY’S) was sitting next to a guy in a wheelchair at the BOURBON GARDEN BAR and said: “Why are you in a wheelchair?” When the guy pointed to the fact he had only one leg, BRIAN got the point. That boy is just so observant. They grow them real smart in Indiana.

Do not know the name of the guy in the wheelchair, but he has been staying at the NEW ORLEANS HOUSE for a while. What a great guy, who immediately fit in.

COREY: “The gay community made me superficial.” Oh no sweetheart, you where born with that gene.

SURREY had a surprise birthday party at some friends house. What a beautiful layout and spread. SURREY was very surprised. She thought the party was for someone else and even baked the birthday cake. That is right-----she baked her own birthday cake.

Today in the Olympics is the high light event, the Gold Metal in Mens Hockey. Guess who it is---US versus CANADA. it starts at noon, so will be watching it at the 801 with GATOR bartending-----he won’t be able to run away when the US falls behind.

The last two days have been really cold. As a tourist walked by in his shorts and T-shirt he referred to me as a sissy because I had long pants, a sweatshirt, coat, and gloves on. I replied we are not sissies, but true wimps when it comes to cold.

Then got home and read that January and February are the two coldest months on record. Give us back our warmth.

The XENA FUND and SISTER SEASON FUND are hosting the Second Annual Chili Cookoff, March 14th, at DON’S PLACE at Truman and Grinnell. It starts at 4pm. There are two divisions, amateur and professional, with prizes for both. Entry forms are available from XENA FUND and SISTER SEASON board members. Poor SOYBEAN got sick on Thursday and had to go home. She was so bad she could not even be mean. Hope she does not feel as bad as she looks. Get better girl.

Spent Thursday night at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR. it has been a long time since I have done that and forgot what a fun place it was. BRIAN was the bar tender and actually quite good. Also found out he can write. Saw AUSSIE SCOTT and BOBBY, and had long conversations with FAIRY LARRY and JOHN SCHAFFER, whose birthday is today. Also saw EDDIE and PAULI , but did not talk to them, they were in a lip lock the whole evening.

LISA subbed for SOYBEAN for a couple of days. Now we know what breasts look like. With SOYBEAN we never knew.

In the Olympics: Gold Metal Game, CANADA 2, USA 0. O CANADA.

When I go by DOGS ON DUVAL I walk faster so I will not stop to look that those cute puppies or go into the store where a dog owner can go nuts. Wonderful store.

Last Sunday was just an awful day for me. First, Ohio State beat Michigan State in basketball. Second the US thumped Canada in hockey. Took me days to get over it.

SYMRNA (aka TERRY) was named AIDS Help employee of the year. That is fantastic and so well deserved.

HURLIN HELEN’S daughter and her boyfriend, ERICA and ADAM have left the island to return to Boston. Think they took with them the number one souvenir of Key West----a hang over.

Hope you enjoyed the 70’s weather, because it is cold again----only in the mid-60s. Supposed to start warming up again tomorrow.

Hearing DUELING BARTENDERS is adding a new feature to their act-----water sports. Tell you, RANDY, GASSY, and GODDESS are getting kinkier each week.

RICHARD, of CHRIS and RICHARD, had his birthday yesterday. What a good guy and good couple.

The OSCARS are next weekend, Sunday March 7th, and some bars are planning special events. Know BOURBON STREET and AQUA are planning something------check them out.

Many thanks to KENNE for the pictures he sends us. You can easily tell his from GATOR’S. They are centered and focused.

JUNIOR burned a mock Canadian flag in front of me the other day. “Revenge is mine, sayeth the Canuck.”

The KEY WEST WRECKERS LEATHER CLUBMISS KITTY’S KITCHEN at the MCC Church. Over the past eighteen years they have donated over $200,000 to local charities.

Helen, Trixie and family went to the Dry Tortugas this past weekend. Went on the Yankee Freedom, left by 8am and return by 5:30pm, was a beautiful day. Captain Rick and his friendly staff were very knowledgeable of the amazing history and very accommodating. Food and drinks were bountiful. If you have not been Helen does recommend this trip!

Want to thank the garden bar welcoming committee for the warm reception they gave my daughter and BF on Friday! She learned very early on how to pray to the Key West marble alter! (bit like my pic)

Old Baroness has an admirer? Known as Halley (short for hallucination) Halley has suggested that she change her peach (salmon) colored shirts to blue to match her beautiful youthful eyes? She may be suffering from DFFB (dead fruit flies to the brain)

Thank God for her friends J& B they do keep her grounded!

New eye candy at Kwest, Tennessee Tim’s BF! Definitely spank bank material! Think he is a spawn of BSP dancers Jake and Orion. (Yummy)

During a recent visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, how do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

(Future reference for a few BSP customers)

'Well,' said the Director, ' we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,’ 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug!

Would Helen like a bed near the window?'

My Wild Oats have turned to Prunes and All-Bran

The Garden Bar at BSP and Reaction Productions of L.A. introduces

Leslie Jordan: Thursday 3/25 9pm Friday 3/26 8pm &10pm

Judy Tenuta: Thursday 4/29 9pm. Friday 4/30 8pm &10pm

Varla Jean Merman:Thursday 5/29 9pm Friday5/30 8pm& 10pm

Soon to be announced shows on Saturday and Sunday Memorial Day weekend and surprise special concert show on Sunday June 13th after the Gay Pride Parade.

Tickets available thru Bourbonlivekw.com

Yes ladies and gentleman. Only 360 long, arduos days ago the Wild Turkey distillery saw a SERIOUS drop in sales (along with most of the bars on Duval Street) as did my waistline since my liver shrunk a few sizes as well. In honor of the occasion, Saturday will be spent pampering myself @ PRANA SPA and HEADLINES, while Sunday I will receive my one year medallion, perform in the 11pm show @ 801, then go home and inhale a box of Samoa Girl Scout cookies I have been saving. Thank you again to all my friends and family here in Key West and across the country for your support and encouragement. Now I just have to make it to year 3 so I can make earrings and a necklace to match!

Rarely do we have those moments in life where work is fun. That’s why they call it work. But this week’s DUELING BARTENDERS @ AQUA was a moment that will live fondly in my Key West memory for years to come. Not only did we have a FABULOUS crowd, but the afternoon took turns that led to other curves that culminated into a crescendo that the New York Philharmonic would have been jealous of. More simply put, “My Heart Will Go On” led to a cross-the-bar ice fight that led to RICK and I going around the bar with bev naps on our faces as Phantom masks while RANDY sang “Music Of The Night”, ending with my rendition of “Man, I Fell Like A Woman (Sir, I’m Randy Thompson)” and Randy pouring water down my back, which I reciprocated with a LARGE PLASTIC TUMBLER FILLED TO THE BRIM going ALL OVER Mr. Thompson from wig to waistline. Of course the ONE TIME Gator is not in his usual spot with the P&E camera. Definitely a reason to leave work early on Mondays and get to Happy Hour. One never knows WHAT will happen…

Monday SUSHI & JEFF left for a four day trip to Las Vegas with BRAD & SAMANTHA. Haven’t heard much, but of course BRAD can’t be without his iPhone for more than 15 seconds so there have been some updates on Facebook. Think tonight was the night Sam & Sushi were going to hit the strip in drag. I feel and Elizabeth Berkeley/Gina Gershon SHOWGIRLS sequel in the making, leaving Jeff as Tom Cruise and Brad as Dustin Hoffman at the blackjack table for a RAINMAN sequel. Wait, Brad’s not that smart…

Last night at 801 was another joy. Downstairs, BRIAN (SQUARE 1) has a new pet. A snake. He told me “He gives a great massage.” Gimmie a T, gimmie an M, gimmie a big ole I! You’re sharin’ lots a secrets and I don’t know why! Gooooo to THERAPY! And while we’re doing sports cheers, we had 2 retired Detroit Lions (that’s NFL football girls) and their wives in the audience upstairs. They were seated off to the left in the back, so when DESIRAY brought their presence to my attention, I didn’t think they’d play along. But when I called them to the stage, imagine my surprise when they joined me and I am not exaggerating when I say that they made me look like Faith Michaels (They were walking skyscrapers). One of the wives said she would make sure the pics got sent to the coach and other players. Christmas Cards should be fun this year.

Oh, and because I was dying to know too, one was a Tackle and the other was a Tight End. I think that’s football speak for Top & Bottom. MAZELTOF!

Beating a dead horse here, so I’ll take another approach. DESIRAY does a stand-up routine as one of her numbers on Tuesday. Not sure of the comedienne, but the words ring true: “Adults are gonna’ do what adults are gonna’ do. They just need to learn how to handle their s**t.” And don’t bring it to me while I’m working. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

There are a couple of people here who talk and talk and talk, but only about themselves and possibly what they wore. It is incredible boring----the worst sin on this island.

I am really into the WINTER OLYMPICS. I can not get away from them----that is why my columns are so short. I do not believe what SHAWN MILLER did on the snowboard. That is not human. Right now waiting for the CANADA-USA hockey game. GO CANADA.

LAUNDRY STEVE is a very cheap drunk. He announced on Sunday that he was drunk at 12:41 pm. The bars do not open until 12:00.

OMAHA CRAIG thinks calling him the easiest target is not correct, since I live with GATOR. He has a point, it is a close call.

We have so many events in which there is a KING AND QUEEN, with the winners being determined how much money they raise. They are drawing less and less money. Know part of the reason is the economy, but also is that the whole event design is being overused and redundant. Maybe time to think of something new.

Read the summary of the school district audit. What a disaster. I worked in schools for years and I have never heard or seen anything like it. If not outright fraud, and disrespect for the law, it is certainly malpractice. Get rid of them all involved.

We have a new issue really developing. It is oil drilling off the Florida coast, including the Keys. We have a very unique environment and one oil spill would destroy it. Can we not treasure something more than a profit? Will be a story to watch.

Has been reported that January was the coldest month recorded, with February right on its heels. For those of us who live here, we can attest to that.

SOYBEAN’S date of Friday night is alive and well====obviously they did not have ssex.

At least three times a week a little, old lady comes into the 801 and takes about 29 free condoms. More power to you, there is nothing like an eighty year old slut.

As of yesterday it has gotten warmer, close to normal temperatures. It is wonderful to have our Key West back.

Quote from the CITIZEN’S VOICE: “Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Give that man a religion and he will starve to death while praying for a fish.”

SOYBEAN (about a former date): “I can not get rid of this guy. I even slept with him and he is still coming back.”

We do not have as many homeless as it appears. Many of those apparent homeless are just waiting for the city bus that never comes. The transit people wonder why more do not ride their busses----well maybe because it is that you are totally unreliable. A friend waited for two hours on a major route and the bus never came.

\SYBIL<.B> had his 51st birthday party Friday night way back up in the hills. Did they have moon shine?

Good times at the GARDEN BAR with JUNIOR Saturday afternoon. It was not because of JUNIOR, but maybe in spite of him. People there: BLUE MARLIN DAVID, BRAIN and CARLOS, BRIAN and BILLY, RYAN, CASA JIM, GATOR and JAMES.

DAVID ROSE>/B> retaliated with his poster about TIPSY. It was cute, but TIPSY had all the drag queens and bartenders in DAVID ROSE T=shirts Friday night. DAVID in are in over your head with that aged old queen.

DAVID ROSE and TIPSY have a real battle going. Seems DAVID found out TIPSY’S real name and is using it and TIPSY is getting that picture of DAVID in the bikini out over the country. They are both vowing victory, but DAVID surrender while you still have something left-----no straight man sill will win against an aged queen.

OMAHA CRAIG we miss you, or at least I do. It is cold and our creative juices are not flowing and you are such an easy target.

OVERHEARD: SOYBEAN to TOURIST: Weren’t you here a couple of months ago?

TOURIST: No

SOYBEAN: Well your twin was.

TOURIST: Was he really good looking?

SOYBEAN: Well as good looking as you.

This island never ceases to amaze me. People are going crazy over the opening of a DOLLAR TREE here. TIPSY was up and dressed by 6:30 am to be one of the first customers. Heard about it all day.

HURLIN HELEN’S daughter and boyfriend are here for a visit. Unfortunately she looks like him, but has a much better personality. Although they are Massholes from Boston, they are fun.

SOYBEAN had a date last night. We all are wondering if he lived. The last few have not been very fortunate.

We all know bartender ELAINE at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR, but they have a new one now. His name is BRIAN and he moved here from Chicago. Good guy and quickly accepted. BOBBY’S has a great line-up of bartenders to compliment Elaine.

DAVID ROSE is less than pleased with that picture of him in a bikini. It certainly has made the rounds and is hysterical. He is vowing revenge---be careful boy, the next stop is the Conch Colors.

The Pub Crawl for Fat Tuesday, conducted by the BOURBON STREET PUB, was one of the best ever attended. Sixty five people made it all the way, with numerous others staying at one of the bars. Interesting to see the number of tourists who join in the festivities.

It has been cold for a long time, not getting out of the 60’s. Finally they are predicting a warm-up late in the week end. Miss not wearing a T-shirt, shorts and flip flops. (Also known as native dress0.

RANDALL’S mother is here this week. We gave her our condolescenes for having him as a son. She remarked that the best thing about having him as a son is that he lives 1500 miles away from her.

PAUL THE RAG, bartender at the BOURBON STREET PUB, motto is: “Serving one alcoholic at a time.” Cute, but could you inform your drunks where the bathrooms are---too many are roaming around soiled.

Thought POSTAL WENDY’S column this week was out of sight funny. How many times did she use the word vagina? She also made a good point. That girl is demented.

Some tourist asked us if BROOKS had a wife. We replied yes-----her name is JUST WHITNEY.

When SOYBEAN puts her hair into a pony tail it strongly resembles a rats tail-----only no self-respecting rat would have a tail that looks that bad.

P&E should have a warning label attached to the Photo Gallery that clearly stats that some images may cause a sudden relief of constipation! The pic of Dave Rose in a bikini clearly should not be viewed by anyone with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)

Casa Jim was spotted at his new job last Saturday. He has moved from directing flights coming in at the airport to directing traffic on Truman Ave. He was crossing the street by Packard and stop in the middle of Truman with his arms waving. Helen stopped and offered to give him some of Trixie’s book store coupons to get him out of the F#@* ing road. After yelling at a few horns blowing he proceeded to continue his trip home.

There is a sequel to the mad crapper? We now have two on the island. Beware of a guy in a leg cast with a knapsack! Junior will now be offering frozen Imodium AD drinks!

From the London Times:

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses.  For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.  The fees were for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7). Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. 

   The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. 

  The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. 

  The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

   Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Key West ...  is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. 

   Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ... and no one even knows his name.

Helen starts work with the parking meter department on Monday!

Quote of the Day

“Life is like a jar of habanero peppers; What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow”

Happy Ash Wednesday! For some, a cherished religious holiday. For most of Key West, that spot on your head is from falling asleep on the bar last night after the Fat Tuesday Pub Crawl and ending up with your head in the ashtray.

Speaking of the Pub Crawl, only saw the last stragglers from outside 801 as they made their way into BSP. But at least this year everyone got drunk for a good cause (SISTER SEASON). Unfortunately the KING OF BOURBON (BROOKS) >/b>had to work at… Bourbon, so the festivities were led by PORSCHE and the QUEEN OF BOURBON, JOSIE P. KATT. (Thank GOD that queen finally got a crown or she was going to spontaneously combust. Hope somebody told her that the title is not a preliminary for Miss Gay Florida and just a reason to have an event during Mardi Gras to get drunk. Which she did. Don’t think those $100 bar tabs from 801& BSP that were in her prize package made it through Saturday and the pageant was Friday Night! Plus was AMAZED how she stayed upright in those heels tonight with that many beads on her and that much Jaeger in her.)

Of course today also marks the beginning of Lent when everyone’s supposed to give up something. Being less than 2 weeks from my 1 year anniversary of sobriety, I think that counts. What would YOU give up for a week? Would LOVE it if most of KW took the lead and gave up bitching, griping, and moaning about their lives when there are SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT things going on in the world that deserve our attention. Everyone jumps on the “Help _______” bandwagon when it first happens, yet forgets that certain events (The earthquake in Haiti, the AIDS crisis, the economy) are ON GOING and need to be revisited daily. What can YOU do today to help?

Before I jump off my soapbox, let me say this. We are all only one person. And though one person can do many things, there are some people that the most important thing they can do is learn to help themselves. There’s a reason why people go to medical school to become therapists and doctors, and no matter how much we think OUR advice is the right road to take, the person who needs the help is the one who has to make the decision to take it. There is a BIG difference between HEARING and LISTENING, and even then, sometimes LISTENING is more beneficial than TALKING. As I said last week, before you drop YOUR baggage at someone else’s feet…

Now on to the fun stuff of the past week. The photo shoot for the 801 GIRLS @ Southernmost House on Thursday went a lot better than I expected. Everyone on time, not too cold; but speed changing into 3 different looks was a challenge. That and when the photographer asked all the girls to line up along the edge of the pool. For those of you who have not been to SMH, their pool is one of those where the water comes RIGHT UP TO THE EDGE so you can just slip in. Well if he (the photographer) asked the girls in the back of the line ONE MORE TIME to lean in for the long shot because he couldn’t see us, it would have turned into a bad Ester Williams movie real fast.

Mentioned earlier that the QUEEN OF BOURBON PAGAENT was last Friday with JOSIE as the winner, AMANDA LAY (BROOKS) 1st Runner up and MARCIE ANDREWS (Mark Patterson) 2nd runner up. More crownings this week included DANNY ZAMORA (NO-LONGER-SUSAN LUCCI) and PAULY as KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS for SISTER SEASON and XENA FUND. Several other people I would have LIKED to crown this week, but that’s what Adivan is for.

And finally, in the immortal words of Elton John and Tina Turner, “The Bitch Is Back.” Mind you DESIRAY has been back for some time now, but she and I switched hosting gigs last night as her daughter ANASTASIA was in town for a visit. Suffice to say that if me on Wild Turkey is ANYTHING like Desiray is on SoCo, then let me publicly apologize again for anything I may have said or done before my sobriety. My favorite line of hers came at the end of the show when she said, “Just take the picture! F**k the camera!” That and the fact that if Anastasia is Desi’s daughter, and Desiray is Gugi’s drag daughter, then Gugi has a new title: “Abuela”.

I want to start off by saying Thank You, to all my friends and loved ones who send me prayers and positive energy during my surgery. It went very well. I was home and out and about on Saturday night. Was a little uncomfortable but all is well. Now we wait on pathology and then the re-coop time, and I will be right as rain.

I heard that I offended some people in one of my columns by using the terms Uterus, Vaginal wall, and fallopian tubes. For this I want to apologize. If I would have known that the term uterus was offensive I never would have used it. And here I was thinking that we need to open a GYN office (for those who don’t know what that is, it’s a ladies DR), next to In Touch. We could call it Ute-r-us. It would be close to the bars, so you could have a drink before going to the Dr, or after. Then you can go shopping and get In Touch with yourself.

There has been so much happening on this little island. I went and saw the Key West Burlesque at the Artbar. That is such a talented group of performers, if you have not seen a show yet, I highly recommend it. It is a must see for tourist and locals.

One place you can get a taste of their talents is on Feb 27 at Aqua from 5-8. I am doing a fundraiser for WOMANKIND and we have strippers/models from the Burlesque with Cheeky Derriere, Moana Amore, and Marquee VonFister. Plus we have 3 mail carriers from the Key West Post Office, and of course we have reigning Mr. and Ms. Pridefest, that said they would take their clothes off for charity. I am very excited about this event.

Since I don’t want to offend anyone about talking about my Vagina, Uterus, Fallopian tubes or Vaginal wall, I don’t have much else to talk about, because that is what has been happening in my life right now. So once again I want to apologize if I offended anyone in any way. I just thought a little education couldn’t hurt, and since I have to read about who screws who at Bourbon each night and who has anal leakage, I didn’t realize saying Uterus on P&E would be offensive. So please accept my deapest apology. Hope to see you around the Uterus, ooops, I mean island,

PS: The Bourbon Street Pub is having a PUB CRAWL tonight celebrating Fat Tuesday. It costs $20 with free shots at numerous bars. The pre-party starts at 5 pm at the Bourbon Pub, with push off at 6 pm. All proceeds go to the Sister Season Fund.

Had an e-mail asking why we use so many nicknames and not actual names. Because we know each other by nicknames. There are many people here who are good friends that I do not know their full name. If we started to call each other by actual name we would not know who you are talking about.

We have gone through a couple of cold days, highs only in the sixties, and we expect at least five more this way. Know this does not sound cold to many of you, but it is to us.

Had a rare occurrence today----had a BIG DICK DELL and HARRY sighting. Good to see both of them.

We have had some problems with getting photos on the internet the last couple of days, but as of yesterday morning we are all caught up. Check back for the photos you missed.

POSTAL WENDY is fine after the doctors got through with her. She was out and about on Saturday night.

Sorry about the spelling of Rotar Rotor yesterday, but I made a big mistake. I asked GATOR how to spell it and took his word for it.

Do not forget DUELING BARTENDERS tonight. It will be RANDY THOMPSON and GODDESS.

BOURBON STREET PUB hosted the KING OF BOURBON STREET Saturday night. BROOKS won-----after seeing him that day I wonder if he remembers.

Went to KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS finale last night. Good times, great to see ELAINE and BOBBY, but forgot to tell them I was drinking half or less drinks. Net result is that I had to leave early. Thanks 801 BRAD for helping me home.

Reminder: The winners of the KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS contest will be announced tonight at 8:30 at BOBBYS MONKEY BAR.

On Friday night 801 had a Fetish Party. Of course, MATT HALL was bartending-----knowing him he was probably the conductor.

SOYBEAN arrived at the 801 next morning to find the frame for the sling still there. She felt uncomfortable working with it-----probably brought back bad memories.

Met these people from Arkansas---could barely understand them. They talked Wal-Mart.

DAVID ROSE told me, rather he loudly announced ,that TIPSY’S real name is BOBBY SHAWN. It must have gone over will in that trailer park in Ohio.

The BOURBON STREET PUB hosted the QUEEN OF MARDI GRAS contest Friday night. The winner was JOSE P. CAT/

RYAN, a friend of Brian and William’s, lost his virginity last week. When he came out on Friday we had to get him a cushion to sit on a stool.

JUNIOR was explaining on Saturday how he likes to be screwed. Thank God their TVs had good shows on them.

WILLIAM, partner of BRIANS’S got his long hair cut short----he is looking great.

HURLIN HELEN and TRIXIE are having their 19th anniversary today----how sweet.

JUSTIN from PENNSYLVANIA: “I can not drink like this everyday, I need to go home.” But he is always here the next day.

POSTAL WENDY was operated on Friday----hope she did not break the rotor rouder.

What is this we are hearing about EDDIE THE PURSE being a grave robber. All for a good cause, but how many times does JIM MITCHELL have to be buried?

OMAHA CRAIG was taken back on his last night here about some of our attitudes. He is still a child of the mid west. Hate to say this, but we miss him----but just a tad.

Seems our new hustler, LEECH< has been banned from the BOURBON STREET PUB. Good---he is just bad news.

What is this about GATOR just leaving the lights in the middle of a PORSCHE show and running out on a tab? Bad boy.

New experience. Met someone who got rejected at a glory hole. Did not have the stomach to ask why. Of course others did, along with some speculation, which led to some bad feelings.

The party for the XENA FUND at our house started off with a thunderstorm. That did not help attendance. As the rain lessened the crowd increased to where it got to a really nice crowd. Think everyone had fun, know I did.

After the party watched the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Git misty eyed when they sang O Canada.

Reminder that tonight from 7 to 9 is the party for allKING AND QUEEN OF HEARTScandidates. It is hosted by the XENA FUND. There will be food and an open bar. The cost is $20. It will be held at GATOR and JIM’S house at 515 Petronia (corner of Petronia and Center).

The naming on this years KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS will take place at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR at 8:30.

The girls are here for the WOMENS FLAG FOOTBALL TOURNAMENT. This is a real special event that started yesterday and goes through the weekend. Lots of great girls from all over make it a lot of fun.

OMAHA CRAIG left us yesterday after a months stay. He is returning home to Omaha-----Key West’s gain will be Omaha’s loss. Actually will miss him/

The death of CHANCE, a 21 year old dancer, is certainly a tragedy. Our thoughts are with his family.

MARDI GRAS activities will be in full gear this weekend---check with the BOURBON STREET PUB for days and times of the events.

A number of tourists from the East have been stranded here for numerous days. Have yet to meet one who is upset.

Went to DUELING BARTENDERS with RANDY THOMPSON and GASSY WINDS Monday night. Good as usual. GATOR was behaving well for him-----which is still not very good. RANDY THOMPSON had a pure white wig on----he looked good as an albino.

PORSCHE will be performing tonight at the BOURBON STREET PUB.

In lieu of flowers, donations for the family are being accepted at the New Orleans House c/o “Chance” 724 Duval Street or by calling 305 293 9800.

Well I’m happy to be writing this column for you today, after narrowly escaping getting ptomaine from an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich graciously provided by our one and only GATOR. Guess the winning of the New Orleans Saints clouded his brain to the degree that even though fast food can have an amazing shelf life, one must actually put it on the shelf of a REFRIGERATOR and not leave it on the shelf in the souvenir section of AQUA after the game for it still to be edible!

Don’t know what happened @ the Main bar during DUELING BARTENDERS on Monday, but GATOR and OC (I refuse to type “that name” again) must have done/said something as OC was feeling rather guilty yesterday. Of course he blames GATOR for being a bad influence. He who lives in glass nursing homes…

Well we just finished week one with the new backstage @ 801 and all seems to have gone well. Just a pump here and dress there that got lost in the melee, but nothing a quick trip to ROSS or PAYLESS can’t fix. Though the old saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got till you loose it” still holds true. Awfully hard to water-ski on Sunday without ropes. But the added stage space is great and more new group numbers are in the works to make use of it. Now share a section with DESIRAY. 2 things I’ve learned. Don’t talk to her while putting on make-up or you’re sure to be late for the street and if I’m missing any jewelry, I don’t have to look far.

It’s Flag Football Week here in Key West. U-Hauls a commin’!!!

I’m just full of old sayings/movie lines this week. Remember when Dorothy says at the end of “The Wizard of Oz”: “The next time I go looking for something, I won’t go any farther than my own back yard.”? Well, my backyard faces the parking lot behind 801, so I had to head north a bit, but I found it, and its name is… ISLAND HOUSE!!! Now mind you I have been there several times for fund raisers, meetings, passing out 801 flyers and yes, once, I had brunch there. But what I DIDN’T know was that, as a local employee, I could get a MEMBERSHIP for use of the other “facilities” they have to offer. Last Saturday I went not once, but twice, and both times left feeling energized, revitalized, and smelling of eucalyptus from the aromatherapy of the steam room. I won’t say exactly what I did to reach that state of euphoria, but I will say this.

1. If you see me there, please DON’T call me Gassy. It’s a real buzz kill.

2. I won’t say I saw you there and what you did if you are equally as respectful.

(Note: If rule #1 is broken, all bets are off and only the names will be slightly changed to protect the innocent. Even a drag queen needs a little “away” time to remind himself that he is a man under all that make-up.)

Today is the Memorial Service for CHANCE. Service to be held at St. Peter’s Episcopal Church on Center Street with a gathering to follow at BSP Garden Bar.

MARDIS GRAS is right around the corner. Beads, Beads, and more beads. Will NOT be entering the Queen of Bourbon Street Pageant this year. One can only be 1st runner up so many times for the same event.

Sorry it has been a while since I last posted, but as you > are all aware I am preparing for some medical issues that are soon to be taken care of.

Friday night I did a little celebrating. At work I had found out that I have been nominated for “South Florida Federal Employee of the Year, for Service to my Community for 2009.” I just want to tell you that when you hear an actor say it is an honor just to be nominated, it is true. For me it was an outer body experience. I am now invited to the black tie affair in Miami. Let’s say I will represent Key West VERY POUDLY, for I will be there in my tux with tails, and I am thinking a rainbow tie and cummerbund.

So I started the party at Aqua with Lenore, and then continued it on at Kate’s big Birthday Bash at the Gardens Hotel. And if you missed the party at the Gardens you missed the Key West Burlesque’s impromptu sequinized swimming presentation. It was awesome. Maybe after I take the Titty twirling classes they will let me join in.

On Saturday I did a little impromptu party at Pearl’s Rainbow. They allowed me to turn their All Girl Karaoke into a Fundraiser for Sisterseason. It was a lot of fun and sorry the guys couldn’t come, but us girls had a fabulous time. We had silent auctions donated from VENUS CHARTERS, PEARL’S RAINBOW and AQUA. With fabulous prizes for the raffle from FAIRVILLA MEGASTORE, 801 Bingo friends and TRUMAN ADULT BOOKSTORE. We will just say that I brought my own batteries so all prizes were operational when they left the party. Let’s hope the guest put all their prizes in their carryon luggage. And as part of my continuing fundraiser for Sisterseason. Please make a pledge for my weight lose challenge. I currently have not been working out at Stay Fit. This is not their fault but mine. Once my surgery is taken care of, we (Stay Fit and myself) will be hitting it hard. All in the name of charity. So please make a pledge at www.sisterseason.com or send them an email at sisterseason@aol.com . Thank you for your support. And just to let you know I have lost 20 pounds and have managed to keep it off during my sickness, so wish me luck, because the rest of this > weight is going to go bye bye real soon.

Twenty-five teams of women and girls from across the United States, Canada, Mexico, the Nordic countries and the United Kingdom are to converge on Key West in February for the 19th annual Kelly McGillis Classic International Women’s & Girls’ Flag Football Championship. On Sunday, Feb. 7, through Monday, Feb. 15. Check out the website for more details. www.iwffa.com

Well this ought to be quite the day. Most are geared up for the Super Bowl, and of course the commercials. Parties all up and down Duval.

It has been relatively slow in the last couple of days. People are saving their pennies for Super Sunday.

Lots coming up. Entering the last week for the KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS Contest. TONY and JACOB; and: DANNY and PAULI are scurrying around conducting the last of their individual events. This proceeds for this contest all go to the XENA FUND and THE SISTER SEASON FUND.

On Friday, February 12th, from 6 to 8 a chance to meet all the candidates for KING AND QUEEN of HEARTS event will be held. It will be at GATOR and JIM’S house at 515 Petronia. It costs $20 but there will be food and an open bar.

On Valentines day, February 14th, the winners of the KING AND QUEEN of HEARTS contest will be announced at BOBBY’S MONKEY BAR at 8:30.

Tuesday, February 16th , is FAT TUESDAY and the culmination of Mardi Gras. THE BOURBON STREET PUB will be throwing a Pub Crawl followed by a bead throw.

Beginning to hear rumblings about trouble in Paradise. The Business Guild plans PRIDEFEST starting this year. They consulted the Pink Triangle (which was met with much appreciation), but after the events and dates were planned, one business (THE ISLAND HOUSE) did not like it and the list of events got changed to accommodate them. Problem is it creates problems with some of the other events. More on this later----it may not even happen.

Started Saturday afternoon in Garden bar then an evening out with Amanda Lay and the gang! Off to 801 then Aqua to BSP to Kwest back to Aqua then BSP and ended with a nightcap at Kwest for a final taste of the delicious eastern European smorgasbord.

 Helen felt like a ping-pong ball at the national gay games. Think Helen had a brown out! Not like some of us with complete black outs! (Big Daddy of Big Ruby’s)

Do remember being at Denny’s at 3am eating breakfast. Big Daddy was raving about seeing chimpanzees and walking down Duval St. barefooted? Thought he might have joined the motley crew of DSB (Duval St. Bums) He has been known to take naps in the cemetery. Amanda Lay (aka weesa) was such a lady to be with? Until she split her duck tape and her man pussy fell out while getting off the stage at Kwest! Two old straight guys sitting, staring and drooling at the bar thought she had the real thing till they saw ‘Frankie and the twins’ hanging out! Their look was priceless could have been a Visa moment!

Helen had the pleasure of securing the man pussy back! “OMG” fuck the duct tape buy a horse harness! God blessed that boy? mmmmm made Helen moist!!

Helen just got use to her 2 year old phone and Trixie decided to upgrade us to The Droid and the retarded son the Aires. It should have had a warning label “not to be used if you’re under 5 or over 50.” “Do not buy if you have no patience.” If I do not return your call or text sorry!

News crew from Channel 4 New Orleans was in town this week filming fans of the Saints in the southern most city. Due to the language barrier (gatorism) I sent them to Leather Master to speak with Gator, and I know that made his day!

Porsche will be back next week for shows at BSP during Mardi Gras! Saw her on the Wanda Sykes show this week singing Old McDonald and 10 bottles of beer on the shelf! I guess Wanda hasn’t received her stimulus money yet?

Quote of the day! From BSP Marcel (yummy) I talk with a lot of million dollar mouths that have pennies in their pockets!

Well February is upon us. My least favorite month of the year for personal reasons, but I’m sure there are some of you out there that enjoy the month of amore. So to all of you I say… I can’t print that.

Anyway, one thing to look forward to is the end of the month when I will celebrate my 1 year anniversary of sobriety. In some way’s it has gone by so quickly; in others a bit of a struggle. But I am grateful to have had the support of my mom, and my friends and family both back up north and here in Key West to keep an eye on me. BRAD (801) keeps asking me to remind him of the date. Maybe the bar is planning a BIG party for me??? All the free Ginger Ale and Grenadine you can drink!!!

KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS events are still filling the social calendars of one and all (though never heard from any of the candidates so you’re just gonna have to keep your eyes and ears open) for when they’re happening. That reminds me. I ran for QUEEN last year with BUDDY. Boy I must have been drunk.

I offered to stop writing about OMAHA CRAIG if he would just leave already, but NOH won’t give him a refund. So let the torture continue…

Forgot to mention that last week @ DUELING BARTENDERS he did at least get a little tongue action not once, not twice, but THREE times with a local who will soon be “marching in”. Guess is was another tequila sunrise… And of course at the end of the shift, he ended up with CUFF. No Craig, the lesbians don’t want to go out with you either. Later in the week, he asked if he could tell me a story “off the record”. Well since everything these days is MP3’s and iPODs, that’s off the record enough for me. Seems he was having a conversation on his cell phone with one of his NUMEROUS friends from up north when he realized he’d forgotten something in the cottage, so he returned to retrieve it. Just before leaving, he said to his friend, “Oh my god. I can’t find my cell phone? I just had it. Where could I have left it?” Well Nebraskans must have a sense of humor as well (you’d have to to be friends with Craig) and let him go on tearing apart his room for a while before saying, “What are you holding in your hand?”

Hope GENE & JAMES from FT. LADEDA got back home ok after Gene’s little fall down go boom the other night. He was trying to show me and DESIRAY how he’d make such a great drag queen, and in the process of kicking up his right leg went down on his left and SERIOUSLY dislocated his knee. My favorite moment was the paramedics trying to get the stretcher up the stairs. They ended up carrying him down. And the show didn’t miss a beat! Thank you staff. JUNIOR (BSP & AQUA) had his scooter stolen the other night, but luckily it was recovered. He was so desperate to get a new one, he started making a list of BDHH2F (Bar drunks he’d have to f**k) to land him a new set of wheels. Topping the list was OMAHA CRAIG, with THE BARONESS and CASA JIMMY tied for second. Aren’t you lucky the KWPD is so thorough… Sorry Craig.

Next Wednesday the 17th will be the Key West Premiere of AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEENS starring THE 801 GIRLS @ TROPIC CINEMA. I believe it starts @ 7pm, complete with red carpet arrivals.

And speaking of the 801 CABARET… now that there are 14 girls in the cast, it was time for a little pre-spring cleaning. In the mind of >b>SUSHI, that translates to “Let’s gut the entire backstage area and rebuild it with stations for everyone in l8 hours or less.” Let me just give you the basic equation and see if you can figure it out.

14 Drag Queens and a few other helpers + hundreds of dresses, shoes & wigs + lumber + hardware + POWER TOOLS ÷ ONE Bottle of Vodka =

___________. The fact that the only MAJOR MELTDOWN happened at about 5am after 6 hours of work is a true feather in the boa of the cast (not the performer. Although her anger issues were a great help in lieu of a sledgehammer.). Too bad the audience can’t see the final result, but the work did pay off . New lights and backdrops are next. Always something new upstairs at the 801!

Final thought: Paying for cheap labor to do a job 15 times to until they get it right is just as expensive as paying a professional to get the job done right the first time.

Taking a lot of crap about not consistently getting the day, date and year right. Okay most of the time I don’t. But it is close. When we win the Pulitizer we will do better on that stuff.

OMAHA CRAIG: “Think WEESA was not the valedictorian of his Cale Carnegie course.

Speaking of WEESA he got so drunk the other night he could not get his key in the lock and peed in his dress.

OMAHA CRAIG :”No matter how drunk I get in Key West at least I know I won’t pee in my dress.”

Went to BRIAN’S BENEFIT (of CARLOS and BRIAN) the other night. It was unbelievable. Table after table of silent auction stuff, great food, and the place was mobbed. Do not know how many people were there, but it was mobbed. What a great compliment to a great guy. Around $6700 was raised for Brian and Hiati Relief.

A couple of good guys have fallen prey to two, pretty poor hustlers who are taking our friends for all they are worth. It is okay to like younger guys, but do not let it blind you. Neither one has an honorable background and are not ashamed of it----so beware, the strips on these tigers has not changed. What is worse about, no matter what we say to our friends they will not listen.

On Thursday from noon to 8pm JT will be doing free 1040EZ and 1049A tax forms at his place, 320 Truman, upstails. Donations will be accepted for the SISTER SEASON FUND.

Poor OMAHA CRAIG he is getting picked on from all sides----even a dog rejected him Well I am not going to add to his woes. HOWEVER, have you noticed he has about ten stories and he keeps repeating them. It is like a broken record. Ask him about his great uncle if you need something to get to sleep.

The XENA FUND is having two events come up. AQUA is having s SUPER BOWL PARTY AND WATCHING on February 7. The game starts about 7. The Xena Fund is hosting the tailgate from 4 to 6 with raffle tickets, silent auction, etc.

On Friday, February 12th, the Xena Fund will host a meet the candidates for KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS. It is a chance to meet and mingle with the candidates. More on that later.

Good lord MATT HALL (of SALOON ONE is one demented character. God I love him.

If you are having problems building up your self-concept go see SOYBEAN at 8011. She will humiliate you and make you feel like nothing for free.

SCABBY, along with his roommate, ,b>LINDA, is back in town for a couple of days. He sounds and looks good and is gaining weight. Great to see him.

HURLIN HELEN: “I am just a peon.”. JUNIOR: “That is what I have hear, I hear all the KWEST boys say you like to get peed on.”

OMAHA CRAIG went to the pound today looking for a date. Every since Luigi rejected him he is looking for any son of a bitch.

Was SMIDGET in the same Special Education class as DAVID ROSE?

Since last we met…

Well Saturday’s CLOSET BALL @ BOURBON STREET PUB was… interesting. First and foremost, as ENEMA said yesterday, they raised $7,000 and the monies are still being counted. Having been a part of the KING & QUEEN OF FANTASY FEST Campaign last year, I can say that AIDS HELP is a mOst deserving charity and it never ceases to amaze me how people in these trying economic times are still willing to participate and support, and all who attended were treated to a truly entertaining evening. With that said, sometimes it’s more interesting to be “behind” the scenes to witness the “goings on” (and I’m not talking about the transformation of boys to girls by the contestants.) Again, congratulations to VIDAL and thank you to SMYRNA, CHRISTOPHER PETERSON, JOE SCHROEDER, and the staff of BSP. I know there’s something I’m forgetting. What is it???

Well this weekend will pit the Saints against some other NFL team. If you want to know anything about the game, just look for the crazy guy running up and down Duval with the Black and Gold Flag.

Speaking of GATOR, DUELING BARTENDERS on MONDAY @ AQUA was a real treat. When he arrived and got the crowd into a rousing rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In”, RANDY quickly responded with “If you are seen anywhere this weekend with that damn trumpet you will have to have it surgically removed.” Speaking of things we’d like to have surgically removed, OMAHA CRAIG came out of the Cottage Crypt to scope out a date for the evening. Since most of our crowd is locals who won’t get within 10 feet of him, I found this rather odd. But the BEST was when an unsuspecting man seated at the corner of the bar caught his eye. Craig turned to me and said, “That man is mine!” He moseyed over (otherwise known as Craig’s Vodka Cha-Cha) and took a position on the adjacent corner. Just as he was about to make his move, the guy’s boyfriend returned and left Craig having to take up a conversation with someone more his speed… LUIGI (Stephanie from MONKEY APPLE ART)’s poodle. And even HE wouldn’t talk to Craig. Then you had the Evel Kineval of motorized chairs (not sure of his name) who left towards the end and, unlike the LAST time he used AQUA as a parking lot, left without taking out any barstools (or customers for that matter). You can’t make this stuff up kids, trust me.

Things are in full swing for this year’s KING & QUEEN OF HEARTS Campaign benefiting XENA FUND and SISTER SEASON (2 more VERY worthy causes here in Key West). I know DANNY ZAMORA is running, but not sure who else is. Please let me know so I can report accordingly. Keep your eyes open for posters of upcoming events.

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With a bunch of die hard Saints fans watched the game Sunday at the BOURBON STREET GARDEN BAR on the big screen. What a great place tow watch a football game.

The only problem with the experience was that the Saints fans were rather loud ALL GAME LONG. If I hear The Saints Go Marching in one more time I might get ill.

Certainly the best play off game to watch of this season, and maybe for many seasons. It was sloppy play, sloppy officiating with Minnesota giving the game away. However, it was very, very exciting. The Saints fans are still calming down.

The only problem with the Saints winning is there will two more weeks of this Saints Mayhem here.

On Sunday also went to Karaoke at the 801. Where do they find these people. Just when you thought it could not get any worse it did.

Good weekend here. Not extremely crowded, but most places were full. Lots of great visitors.

There are some things that are just too funny. One of them was JUNIOR’S act during Closet Pageant. SMYRNA wanted the show to be very proper. JUNIOR comes out and starts singing about shitting himself and ending it by pulling chocolate pudding out of his pants. The look on SYMRNA”S face was priceless, even if it did show less than total acceptance.CLOSET PAREANT ----they have counted over $7000 and are still counting. Great job SYMRNA.

MARDI GRAS is a couple of weeks off. It is early this year. VALENTINES DAY is on the 14th and FAT TUESDAY is on the 16th.

So my surgery is scheduled for Feb 12th. It will be done up at Mt Sinai in Miami. I have friends up there that will be taking care of me (Thank you Ros and Carol) until I can return home. They will be doing the less invasive procedure with means going up through the vagina into the uterus and then into the fallopian tubes . If they can’t reach all of the “approximately 15” growths/tumors. They will then enter the belly button. I won’t know until I wake up how intensive they will have to go. But for all you men, there will be scooping, scrapping and sandblasting involved. It’s called a hysteroscopy/DNC. So I will be coming out clean as a whistle. I love how the Dr. informed me that I may want to hold off on having sex for a couple of weeks following the re-coop. I DON’T THINK THAT IS GONNA BE A PROBLEM LADY. After what you will be doing, I don’t know if I will ever want anyone or anything put up there ever again!!!

Mark Patterson went with me to my GYN appointment (Thank you Mark), and Ladies I HIGHLY recommend taking him along for any GYN appointment if he is not available take any gay man. To see his reaction to what they told me they were gonna be doing to me was PRICELESS. And nothing can cheer you up after the appointment that going on a shopping spree with a gay man afterwards. I was trying on my Menswear in the Ladies dressing room and he was trying on dresses in the Men’s dressing room. When security came, I left Mark to his on devises. Because a lesbian in tennis shoes can outrun a gay man in heels any day of the week! We never did make it to the cosmetic isle, but that is probably a good thing, because Mark would have had to explain to me what all the products were for, and that would have taken up way too much time. We had places to be and things to buy.

I will be hosting ALL GIRL Karaoke at Pearl’s Patio on Jan 30th as a fundraiser for www.sisterseason.com . So for all you women out there there are gonna be many ways to give and win. We will be having sex toy raffles, silent auctions, and of course Karaoke. And you don’t have to sing to be a winner. Plus as an added bonus, you get to see me make a fool of myself on stage (again).

Also don’t forget the Mr. and Miss Sister season Weight lose challenge is still going on. Brad and I are still losing the weight and there is still time to make a pledge to this great cause. Just go to www.sisterseason.com or send them an email at sisterseason@aol.com and make that pledge. I am not starving myself and letting the GREAT people at Stayfit studios kick my ass for nothing. But I am gonna see it they will do a quick tummy tuck while they are playing around down there anyway. It can’t hurt to ask!!!

The HAITIAN RELIEF SHOW at AQUA Thursday night was extremely successful. There was a great turn out and the place was jammed. For a show put together so quickly, it was very good. All the performers were good, especially GASSY WINDS, MIKE MC CABE, and MARK WATSON. Over $4000 was raised. Great job everyone involved.

Think we need to have a fund raiser for new outfits for RANDY THOMPSON.

POSTAL WENDY got her medical test results back and they were better than could have been.

The weather for the last couple of days has just been perfect. One of the reasons we live here----and watch the Weather Channel and laugh at the rest of the nation.

801 CABARET found out a technique to evacuate immediately. GASSY WINDS taught it to them when she got nude on the stage Tuesday night.

Some events coming up:

Tonight is the CLOSET BALL at BOURBON GARDEN BAR starting at 8 pm. Always fun and it benefits AIDSHelp.

Sunday at 6:30 is the SAINTS GAME at the GARDEN BAR. Many Saints fans will be there0000wild and fun.

Feb. 12 is MARDI GRAS/. More on the events latter.

DAVID ROSE is doing a great job at AQUA as assistant manager -------for medium T-shirts. Large and extra large T-shirts throw him for a loop

DAVID ROSE:”ENEMA I missed you like the clap.

Saw LENORE TROIA at AQIA last night. That woman has talent.

So good to have GARY NOLAN back. He is not only talented, he is also very funny.

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!!! And the weather is HOT, HOT, HOT!!! (Well at least a lot warmer than it has been.) Sorry for my lack of writing this past Wednesday, but as we are all well aware, sometimes we need a vacation from our vacations. Speaking of…

As a little treat for my almost one year of sobriety anniversary, SUSHI invited me to accompany her to Seattle to visit her childhood friend KEVIN for a little shopping, skiing, and some post-NYE R&R (aka schlep & carry and be designated driver). Though I had traveled with Sushi and the girls to Ft. LaTeDa for the Film Festival Showing of AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEENS (which will be being shown @ Tropic Cinema here in KW in Feb. BTW), this was my first solo trip with the boss. People have asked me what it was like. Here’s the best way to sum it up: You know when you decide to buy a cup of coffee and you ask the person you’re with if they want one too and they say no. Then you ask again, and they still say no. So you go and buy the coffee, and when you return the person asks if they can have a taste cause it smells so good and the next thing you know you go to drink your coffee and there’s about 2 swallows left? That’s traveling with Sushi. Mp> My favorite was being on the 6-hour flight to Seattle. I like to do crossword puzzles to pass the time. Every seat back has the same in-flight magazine with the SAME crossword puzzle. Yet instead of her doing her own, it was more fun for her to lean over to me and say, “You know, I think 6 across is…” Truly though, we did have a great time. Saw NINE and AVITAR (in IMAX 3D). Got some gorgeous new shoes @ Nordstrom’s Rack. Went to the Space Needle for lunch. The weather was typical Seattle (rainy and cold), but at least we didn’t see snow till we went skiing. The mountains were gorgeous. And so was our host. KEVIN is one of those people who is not only hot as a guy, but when Sushi “dragged” him and his personal assistant “Butters” up to go out, the man’s ass was like Michelangelo’s David in a tube dress! Why he chose Yooluh Korable as his drag name I’ll never know. I did make it onto skis and did not wrap myself around a tree. Though I was banished to the bunny slope for the entirety of the day, but I was passing the 6 year olds before the day was over. Sushi almost bit the big one on a slope re-named “Death Becomes Her” in her honor. But it was a double diamond…

Had a great show TUESDAY NIGHT @ 801 (though a bit jet lagged) with MA, RV, DESIRAY, GUGI, and this VERY flirty couple from NYC. He was a 9/11 Firefighter down for his birthday with his wife. Though by the way he was making out with GUGI and the wife was gyrating with me & RV… suffice to say a good time was had by all. No wonder Gugi kept wearing that blonde wig all night…

Was awakened around 1am Thursday morning to the very prominent smell of smoke. Since my roommate has an affinity for re-heating pizza in the oven while it’s still in the cardboard box, I was alert rather quickly. Turns out the abandoned building next to the SCRUB CLUB was the actual location of the blaze. I don’t have too many details, except heard that BOB (BSP) got some great video on his phone of the event, as well as the guests of LATEDA standing out on Duval in their PJ’s with their luggage. Heard there may also have been some damage to FRANCO’S DELI, but that info is not confirmed. Also Thursday brought the AQUA BENEFIT for the RED CROSS’S EFFORTS IN HAITI.>/b> Lots of local talent came out to support the cause. Thank you JILL & SANDY for putting it together on such short notice. Would have stayed till the end to get the final total, but the work of the 1st Runner Up to Queen Mother XXVI is never done.

Have always been a strong believer in karma, but even this is a bit spooky. Weds. night I went to bed thinking about how I’m still DESPERATELY single (boo-hoo-hoo) and obviously need some help in that department. I then proceed to have a vivid dream about my deceased grandmother (who I affectionately referred to as GRUMS) holding my hand very strongly, as if giving me support. Today, out of the blue, I get a phone call from my first real boyfriend from 1987, just checking in to catch up. Then I’m performing @ 801 last night, and the owner of the 1st restaurant I waited tables at in NYC (whom I also haven’t seen/heard from in close to 15 years) comes on stage to tip me and says we need to hang out. Then when he returns to his seat, he picks up his drink and toasts, “To Grums!” Freaky, huh?

FINAL NOTE: If someone needs help, don’t put off until tomorrow what needs to have been done yesterday. Someone might not be there tomorrow.